Two year gone past. 8th October 2013

Dearest dad,

we have come to the two year anniversary of your death.

October 5th was the date you left us. My heart was broken that day and I realise I will never be the same person now that you are gone.



The last two years have been hard but I have kept going through the tough times.

I am mostly OK but the 5th was very hard, I felt very tearful and missed you as much as ever that day.

I saw you at the five trees, it is very comforting having your ashes there, I imagine you in the trunk, bark,branches and the leaves.

I heard the other day  on the radio, someone saying that when someone dies we have to find a new way of having our relationship with them.

This made complete sense to me pa.

I have been finding my way with you.

You would like the Collins Family Facebook album that Wendy started, lots of pictures going up,it is really lovely.Some very special pictures of you in the 5th.

Sam and Louise are having a little boy, we now know, so your first great grandchild is on his way into the world.

We are all good, we keep in touch, more than you might have imagined.

Matthew and Matthew have been here to visit with John and I.Sandra and Jackie have been here  and are coming again in November.

Gary emails sometime,Wendy is the one that keeps in touch though.They have all been very supportive since John has been so ill.


It looks like he will be home tomorrow!

Andrew and Lucy continue to be happy together and have a good life, always some holiday on the horizon or weekends with friends.
They have been immensely supportive to me since John's illness I am so grateful to them and so glad that they are close by.

Philip is at a crossroads, looks like changes are afoot for him, he is doing a tefel course this month he wants to travel and teach English, and maybe have a travelling pizza oven too, to visit festivals and sell pizzas  in the summers.

We do not see so much of Bill and Irene now, after all, they were your friends pa, and we will be forever grateful for their care of you .

This is the official end of my blog recording my journey through my mourning for you pa.


I suspect that once in a while I might add some footnotes.

You ever loving daughter ,  Helen

September

Hi dad,

John is being moved back from Clatterbridge  to Woolton Marie Curie. today I hope the next step is back home, but we will have to wait and see, continue to possess our soul and patience.

We have had a good weekend, Johnny was here on Saturday which give me the day off from visiting.

Some days John is up somedays down, and so far I find it hard to detach my self, I am very affected by his moods.

I can hardly believe we are moving into the last month of our blog. I said at the begining I would keep in up for two years, that will be up on October 5th.

I think of you daily, still, but it is not painful anymore, only very occassionally, I smile when I think of you and talk of you.

I want to write about you, young Matthew said he wished he had know you better, had gone to the van with you,I felt for him.
My two were so lucky, as were all five of us, we knew you in Argyle mode, we saw you doing all the things that you loved
to do.

I hope to write something about you for the younger ones, who did not get to know you so well.

Day'll come pa.

Love you always, your ever loving first born, Helen x

Andy Murray is Wimbledon Champion

Good news dad, you would have been thrilled, mum too.

We were in Castlenel when the final was played, so we did not see it. In fact I think I would have been too nervous.

Scotland is going mad, almost everyone is delirious. he can rest on his laurels now.

John is going for an X ray today, we hope to know what is causing the pain.Arthritis or cancer?

What ever it is John's needs better pain relief, he cannot walk, well, around the house ,a bit.

We have not been out since we came back from Alicante, I have of course, for shopping, a wee walk, but not socially with John.We have not been for a coffee or a glass of wine. I am struggling to come to terms with all this change. Sometimes I want to get on a plane and just go somewhere, away from all this stress, worry, and not least all the extra work.

My life has changed so much in this last few months. I have no time to myself, in my head or in reality, my life resolves around John's life.

I fear what the future holds.

I have got a livingsocial deal going on right now, hoping to have some workshops to run when I get back to Liverpool. A diversion for me, work!

new blog

Hi dad,

John is very ill, terminally ill, not sure what the prognosis is but I can tell,  I am not sure how to live without him, and you and mum and Kintillo Drive.
John has been my rock the one I tell everything to ,who has helped me through the awful time in the last few years, in fact during the last 26 years. How can I cope when he is gone.

Wish you were here XXX

to-day is a good day.

Hi Pa,

I bought a little hanging that says" today is a good day" it is to give me encouragement ,to help me remember that even in the worst of time, there are good moments.

I talked to you at "the five trees" the other day.

John is very ill, cancer in his bones as well as prostate, but the doctor says it is not "end of life" he can have pain relief and be home ,in time.

I felt so happy this morning when I heard, I really want John to come home for some time.

But other people seem very sad with the news, so maybe I am in denial, or they are fearful of what this means.

Anyway it is how it is, I think if I can have John home here for a while, some time with him pain free in our own home, it will help us both come to terms with whatever is to come.

Death ,in time.

I am sad,I feel I have had too much illness and death in my life this last few years, in fact since both grans died and grandpa. I am not the same since you all left me, and god knows how I will cope without John, It is unimaginable although I try to imagine it, at times.

John is the love of my life, he is my sunshine. We have been so happy together, been through thick and thin. Marriage , bringing five children up, and together ,over the years. Lost our home, worked for £800 per day and £3 an hour.
Through illness, starting fresh a few times, Ireland ,Spain and back in Liverpool.

Dad I heard someone say on the radio that once the worst has happened to you, you no longer live in fear, but not true, the worst has happened to me,losing you, especially ,but all the others, mum grandparents, aunts uncles cousins. I still live in fear of losing John and all the others I love.

Although I admit, once you have been through it, you do believe that you can live through it again, maybe that is hopeful. I still do not want to go through all that pain again, but it is the price we pay for love. I must look up the prophet on love. I seem to remember it talks about the pain.

Just found it, it is heartbreakingly true.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Father's day 16th June 2013

Hi pa,

missing you today , second Father's day without you!

I think you took a little bit of my sparkle my zest for life when you left us pa.

Or maybe it is getting older that is doing this to me. John is less mobile now,maybe arthritis in his hip, maybe something else.We won't know till we get home. But I am pretty sure whatever is happening, it means less mobility for John. We have stopped going out for a coffee, or a glass of wine now.I do all this shopping which John always loved doing.
Frank takes John to the doctor's nowadays too, no more meeting for a coffee once John has been to the clinic.
Frank is invaluable and his car,I do not think we could be here without  him ,or someone who does what he can do for us.
I could of course, but would I want to be? my life is getting smaller as John 's is.
Yesterday as part of the madness of grief, which is worse at the run up to special occasions like Father's day.

I was trying to figure out how to get back to Kintillo Drive and walk up the path and open the door walk in and you would be there, and further back too, we would all be there together.
No matter what I so, what I think ,no matter how much I want it, I won't see you again. Not in this life.
I wish I believed that I would see you again dad. It seems to give people comfort.
The truth is no one knows, this universe is vast and holds many mysteries.

Some people are sure one way ,some sure the other. It is only beliefs, which in the end can change disappear in a puff of smoke. People think if they believe it strongly enough, say it louder then others, then it must be true.
I think it is ignorance ,not to at least to be open to the possibility that there might be another way to look at things.

But no matter which way I look at this pa, you are gone. I can't go back to the way things were. No one can. As Gavin would say " it's a bummer" Gavin has been gone three years.I thought it was four.

Susan does well ,has moved on in many ways, but she still really misses him.

Sam is to be a dad, his partner is Louise. I have not met her.

I felt quiet warmed by this news, a new life with your blood and mums blood running through his or her veins.

You would both have loved this news, a new wee Collins, Mc Lean in fact. You would be Great Grand Parents . This child is your great grand child, even if you are not here to meet him or her.

I hear Jackie is not happy about this. What is new pa, Jackie is hard to please.

This is Sam and Louise's news and Sam sounds very pleased about it.

Happy Day pa, you are the best, I love you I miss you.

I don't write in the blog so much now dear pa, but I think of you every day.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.

and so it is.

May Day 2013

All over Europe people are having a holiday to-day and people are giving each other flowers.It is nice.

Uk have next weekend as the holiday,but I think the reason for the holiday gets lost when you don't have it on the day.

I want to keep going with this blog,pa ,till October 5th .I said I would and I will. To honour you.

After that I will start a new blog, not sure what about yet, maybe some writing following on for the work I am doing in Vein of Gold.

I will put the flowers on the balcony today. We used to do this at the van at this time of year. I liked they rhythms in Inveraray, you always knew what you were supposed to be doing depending on the month.Indeed what to eat too, especially in the early days when food was much more seasonal.

I think this is one of the attractive things about Castalla there is a rhythm to life here, a daily,weekly ,monthly and yearly rhythm which I find comforting.

Auntie Isa liked Daniel's plaque, she is doing ok, needs a bit more care nowadays.Hugh was over in Glasgow and had his usual trip down memory Lane, went to the College, walked across the Kelvingrove Park, to the Art Galleries. He has such great memories of his child hood there with Grannie and Granda or  Nan and Pops as he called them.

He took lots of fab pictures.he even got into the old college, now beautiful apartments took some there too.
He had a night out with Matthew Glen and Gordon.

Funny to think it was once You ,uncle Tommy and Uncle Hughie, who went our for pints, a few decades ago, now your sons carrying on the tradition.I love it.
Still love and miss you dad, The Matt Collins window and the stained glass panel are a great comfort, I had not know they would be, but they are.


Peace to the North
Peace to the South
Peace to the East
Peace to the West
Peace be without,peace be within,

Peace peace peace.

and so it is!

Castlenel 25/4/13

We have been in Castlenel for 10 days today, and this is the first day I have been up and dressed and we have been out for a coffee .

Taken a long time to get over the virus we have both had for a few weeks now.

The weather is not great, in fact very cold grey and raining today. I don't mind today because I feel so much better.

On the balcony you can sit or stand under the shelter on the roof, and if a cloud parts the sun feels warm on your face, at the same time you can put your hand out and feel the rain, you cannot see the mountains today
in Inveraray we said if you can't see the mountains it is raining, and if you can  see the mountains it is going to rain.

28th

Weather still awful, I dare not post or tweet about it in case any potential renter sees it.

The house is so difficult to keep warm, and feeling ill means we are both colder than normal.Today I broke out and put on the heaters in most of the rooms we use and the units too. The bathroom is freezing.So no baths in my favourite bathroom of a while, I had two but felt worse after as it was so cold.

I think we need to focus on heating for castlenel, and increase our heating budget, I have no idea how Phil manages in winter.

We should be able to wander around in comfort all over the house, other wise why have  a large house, why not a small apartment.

I have made a good contribution to castlenel/la comparsa, with dad's window, John's room , and the stained glass.If I had more money I would get the bathroom done beautifully with lots of glass bricks, stained glass, and raised floor area too. AND heating.

I disagree with Phil, why wait till all the windows are done, if that was the case I would never heat Ullet Road, many old houses we lose heat, but that is life.

Dad what would you do? you lived in a sensible house ,all double glazed and centrally heated.

Yet you admired us for taking risks and going for Hope Street, Castlenel, The Booley House, Spancilhill you tended to play safe, but you liked to see us taking risks!

Maybe next year we will come May June July, or even July August September, we need warmth nowadays,
John will soon be 82 pa he needs warmth as he cannot move around so much or fast nowadays.Grief pa when you were 82 you had stopped travelling ,very far, and stayed close to familiar spaces and family and neighbours.

John loves his new room and I love it too and my window seat, and the outside, but it needs finished off.

The weather has been too bad for the painting.hope it is done before M&M come on the may weekend, next weekend in fact.
I think the galleria needs the blind, it is too close to the street, you cannot open the curtains if you are in the room without feeling exposed,, it was lovely when the outside blind was there,I would open up the curtains and the door for a little while each morning and no one could see in or that the door was opened. Now the light is harsh. If we rent this year I cannot see anyone feeling comfortable in there.

Maybe when the inside blind is chosen and up it will help, but I am not convinced, ,the outside will be ok, but not from the inside! The outside blind, kept it cooler in summer and warmer in winter, there is a reason folk have them round here.

Even so it is a beautiful house Una Casa Grande .

The neighbours told me yesterday ( they were worried they had not seen me ) I said Muy Mal, they all said, ah tiempo!
But apparently from Martes, the weather will be beautiful. Inshalla!

Oh pa, four years next month since Gavin died, three years in July since ma died, and two years in October since you died, what a bloody awful four years. Now ,I worry about John. This time of life you need courage to deal with "what is"

I used to listen outside your door to hear if you were breathing in the mornings, and felt such relief when I heard movement, then rushing away so you would not know I was worried ( of course you knew I was worried) now I do the same here with John. We are a bit isolated here I guess,  whit a caery oan pa.

I am OK  really just blethering to you about my worries, which are not constant, but they are around now, since John's diagnosis. Although I have no real reason to be more worried, except John is soon to be 82, not been well since he left London ,apart for that, like is a walk in the park, :-)

You have to laugh Pa.

I am reading A year of Magical Thinking again! and doing a course while I am here "Vein of Gold" a follow on from Artist's Way. Good and goes very deep, again courage is needed to embark on this pilgrimage.

All shall be well,
and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well.

Everything that is happening is happening for my highest good.

I am safe ,all is well, only good will come of this.

and so it is!

Sickness and health, death and Sir Walter Scott!

Hi pa

I have not been very well the last couple of days, bad cold and sore throat, not sleeping well due to feeling very hot and sweaty.

 "Horses sweat. men perspire, woman , glow " who said that, we grew up thinking this stuff.

I was decidedly sweating

When I feel unwell and vulnerable I miss you more.

 James Naughty presented a lovely programme on Sir Walter Scott the other morning, and there are a few afternoon plays on Radio 4 of his this week. I remember reading his books and poetry at school.
I might download some onto my kindle ,might enjoy them more now I am older.

We are heading to Castlenel on Monday. I am really looking forward to the house and the sunshine and the market, everything really.

I am going to revisit the Murray books when I am there, and concentrate on more writing. 

Also hope to do some mosaic and another rug.

Mostly I like the idea of days with nothing in the diary, what bliss, as I get older I find "things in the diary,and plans even good plans" feel like a pressure. prehaps it is just tiredness and not age, we will see when I come home from Spain.
My first week home is busy with supervision clients.and we have a Living Social deal, promoting 10 Artist's Way Workshops in August..They will be launched in June sometime, we will hear more from Living Social in late May.
We will be in Castlenel on Gavin's 4th anniversary.Hard to believe he has been gone for four years, mum almost three years , dad almost two years.

I wonder if I will ever stop thinking about those dates!

Looking forward to vibrant health over the summer,some down time is what we need and some sunshine.

I feel grateful that we have Castlenel to go to.

All is well,

I am safe,

everything that is happening is happening for my highest good.

and so it is!

The Booley House.

Today I visited  my pa's tree in the Park. There was some warmth in the sun, the daffodils are coming out and the place is ablaze with crocuses.It was a poignant moment for me.
I miss my dad and for some inexplicable reason I missed The Booley House and Feakle.

I remember how beautiful the springtime was when it finally came to Feakle, usually about May.

The field was alive with wildflowers the fuchsia hedge was coming to life the butterflies and moths were all about.The night skies shone with trillions of stars.

Pa you loved coming to Feakle, did not have so much time for Spancilhil,although you did love coming there too.I miss you in the springtime, your love the spring and of course your birthday was in spring, Easter sometimes.

I feel lonely for you today.You have been on my mind a lot lately, I think of your funeral. I remember when it was time to leave I could not bear it.I just stood gazing at your coffin.I just know the minister was worried I was going to fall apart,he came over and moved us all out ,gently but firmly. He was right actually I may have lost my head if he had not intervened, I felt like screaming, running to your coffin, wanting to bring you back.

The beauty of nature can be poignant for many of us.Certainly touches me, the beauty and new life and hope of spring and Easter, contrasts with death loss sadness.

I have that feeling today now, if is scream loud enough will you come home to us?

Of course not! magical thinking some call it, madness of grief others call it.

A little flame inside me went out when you died pa, I wonder if it will ever be lit up again?

I think a new baby , a Collins baby ,would light me up, a baby with your blood flowing through his or her veins.But who knows, maybe that was your flame, maybe it had to go out when you left me.

I can see the power of grandchildren for so many folk, John is a new person especially since Archie and Martha Rose.

I feel too old now, you and mum were Andrew's age when he was born, and Grannie and grand-da were only 38 when I was born. it is a big difference.

Ellie and Johnny say that is one of the many hard things about having children so late, the grandparents are all too old to help very much. Funnily enough they don't count me in that ,they think I am still young and helpful, but that is compared to Maureen Mike Rose and Richard and John.

Why I am talking about this dad? just letting myself go with the flow of my thoughts.

David and Aoife might have a baby ,it is a possibility! David is the only married grandchild.Not that this makes any difference really.

Enough already! I just miss my pa.


All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.

and so it is!

Wintery March.

I have been busy since I came back from Glasgow with work, and family and friends,all good; but I have been feeling so tired pa.
Funnily enough around Mother's day I felt  your loss, strange yours and  not mum's ,although I did of course think of her, and I almost always wear her ring and watch.
Mum and I had a strange relationship, I occasionally miss her, especially the younger mum of my very young childhood, she was happier more natural to me at least, that is my impression.
Dad I will be 65 this year, can you believe it? I remember your 65th birthday and mum's too. Now it is me.

I was a bit worried about this tiredness that has plagued me for months now.I told the doctor and she sent me for a whole battery of blood tests. I usually had blood tests twice a year, and the deal is if I hear nothing, just continue with my meds as usual.This time I got a letter saying I should visit the practise nurse. Worried me a bit.My digestion has not been good and the tiredness too.
The great news is the nurse, said all my numbers were perfect, including my blood pressure which she took while I was there. She actually said my results were as good as a 21 year old. I said " you have made my day" she said" you have made mine" I remember that your oncologist always said that you made his day, your were recovering well and thriving, which I guess many of his patients were not.

I left Jane ( nurse) feeling very happy and upbeat, still wondering what the cause of tiredness was all about. Jane said to look at what has been going on over the last few years. I guess mum's illness and death, your illness and death, John's diagnosis, saying goodbye to life in Glasgow as we know it has taken it's toll on me.
We had someone looking at the caravan last week, Sandra and Julie were up there, on Mother's day actually. They both felt very sad and at the same time awed with the great beauty around them.

Julie is finding it hard to let the van go,as is Rebekka.I would keep it on in a heartbeat if I lived in Glasgow OR if we did not have Castlenel.

Sandra and I were both very tearful pa, we feel the van is a last link to you mum, and our young life,but especially you.

I wonder if it will sell soon, of if the family will have another summer out of it,John and I might go if it is still there in July when we come home from Castalla.

We are having things done in the flat while we are in Castalla . new work surface in the kitchen new sink unit which arrived to-day and a new cooker hob which arrives tomorrow.

Castlenel is having the outside done up in stone which I am very happy about.

You would love all this pa, right up your street.

17 months since you left us pa, still miss you ,love you, want to give you a hug, I sometimes hug the tree in Sefton Park that your ashes are under-:-) only if no one is looking .

We are having very cold weather , you would be sending texts telling me about snow flurries in Kintillo,I miss your texts.it is March but it feel like we are going into winter instead of going into spring, although there are snowdrops ,crocuses and daffodils coming up to give us hope.


Let there be peace on earth and let it beging with me!

End of my time off !

I have enjoyed January,I am still enjoying it. I start work again tomorrow,and will see clients and will supervise counsellors this week.

I have loved the snow,we have not had very much but yesterday was beautiful and I got some great pictures.

I have started a picture of the day again for my 65th year.I am enjoying it.
I am thinking of starting a new rug, for myself this time.
I have not made it to mosaic class yet but hope to go a week on Tuesday.Inshalla
David is away in Hong Kong. The beginning of a new life for him, for at least three years.

The New Year  almost up and running. I am still waiting for inspiration ! what will be my new path? once I have finished counselling and am back from Castalla!

I am inspired my Helen Bamber and want to carry on helping nurturing and caring,when I stop counselling.

The path will open up I am sure!

Jamie's with "the girls" in Glasgow.

Hi pa,

I have not talked to you for a while on the blog, but I have in my head.
I was at the five trees last week before I went to Glasgow. The sky was bright blue some crocus were coming up and the daffodils were almost out.All the new life around me made me acutely aware of my loss of you.I felt very upset, it just comes out of the blue.I am ok ,just miss you still.

I went to Glasgow on Friday and when I got to Lime Street I felt the tears coming. I felt sad I was not coming to Kintillo to see you to stay with you to hug you to hear your voice.

Jackie met me at the station and it was good we went for coffee and a catch up and she said that she still feels your loss too.Of course she does, we all do.We just don't talk about our feelings so much now and people don't ask either. I guess their lives move on and they assume that ours have moved on faster than it actually has.

On Satuday Sandra Jacke Marie Wendy and I all me at Jamies in George Square for lunch.

We had a great time ,very special and of course we talked a lot about you and mum and it was so good to be in a place with folk who want to talk and share memories of you guys..

I remember that you loved to talk about " the old man" as you called him.Grand-da to me.

All the Collins woman got on so well, quite obviously loved being together ,so much so ,that we all talked about some time in the future  we all travel to New York and have a holiday together. It does not need to happen, what is wonderful is that we all shared the dream of doing it.

I had a lovely meal out in Simonton with Jackie and Geoff, in a lovely country pub.It was great to hear their dreams for the future.

I felt this weekend gave me back Glasgow, happy times happy memories for the future.


I will always miss you, think of you and love you dad. I wish you could see us all enjoying each other,it is not so sore ,at least most of the times it is not.

People talk of letting go, I don't get letting go,letting go of what? you? my memories?my thoughts? you will always be in my heart, you and mum 63 years of memories of sharing our lives.

I want to hold on. I believe that is healthy ,I am not maudlin,not a Queen Victoria.

I love my family of origin, as imperfect as it may have been,as I get older, I can see none of us are perfect ,no one is ,there is no perfect mum,dad, childhood, life.

There is the life I have lived and I am grateful I was born into The Collins's and had the childhood and indeed the later life I shared with you.

I am one of the lucky ones I am well aware of that pa.

Blessings on your heart.

Sandra and I are very close again dad, it is marvellous. I found a song recently "two little sisters" make me feel so emotional,she is the one who shared my childhood,that is very very special and important.

All shall be well,
and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well. AMEN!

Two little sisters.

Two little sisters gazing at the sea,
Imagining what their futures will be.

The older one says, as her eyes look around,
"I will go as far as the corners of the town.
I'll plant a little garden, flowers everywhere.
And pluck the most fragrant for my hair."

Two little sisters gazing at the sea,
Imagining what their futures will be.

The younger one stands with her eyes open wide.
And says, "I'll go as far as the corners of the sky.
I'll gather all the stars each night as they appear,
And pick the very brightest one to wear in my ear."

I didn't choose you and you didn't choose me.
I didn't choose you, who would guess we're from the same family?

But, what will you do when the nights get cold?
When the stars grow dim and your dreams seem old.
Watcha gonna do when winter calls,
And your flowers fall from the garden walls?

I'll come home to you, you'll come home to me.
My love will be your remedy.
I'll choose you and you'll choose me.
We'll be two daughters dancing by the edge of the sea.

Things that are good to remember,especially No 3

Telephone!

 

TELEPHONE

Telephone told me that you were dead
Now I hate every telephone’s stupid head
I’d rather sit here turning to a block of stone
Than pick up any snake of a telephone

For my parents,who are always with me,thank you Adrian Mitchel

DEATH IS SMALLER THAN I THOUGHT

My Mother and Father died some years ago
I loved them very much.
When they died my love for them
Did not vanish or fade away.
It stayed just about the same,
Only a sadder colour.
And I can feel their love for me,
Same as it ever was.

Nowadays, in good times or bad,
I sometimes ask my Mother and Father
To walk beside me or to sit with me
So we can talk together
Or be silent.

They always come to me.
I talk to them and listen to them
And think I hear them talk to me.
It’s very simple –
Nothing to do with spiritualism
Or religion or mumbo jumbo.

It is imaginary.
It is real.
It is love.

Ice and snow ( oops thought it was just one picture being uploaded)

Embrace v Reject

Hi pa, I had strange conflicting  feelings this year .

I felt an excitement about moving into the new year and embracing it wholeheartedly. Conversely I was reluctant to move into 2013 because it took me further away from you.It is funny how you think you are unique and different from everyone else, while knowing you are really the same and in many wanting to be the same. I have heard people talking about their grief and this feeling is quite common.Yet it feels unique to me.It is now two years since you died, since you left us. (not really till October , but in year dates it is indeed two years) that is scary ,there is is feeling I will forget you, won't miss you so much and there is a guilt about that, although I also know that is healthy. If I have allowed my self you mourn your loss I will spend less time missing you as time goes on.

I am developing a sense of gratitude for having you in my life( trying to focus on that rather than the loss)

but I do feel deep sadness at times, a piece of music a remark made by someone maybe someone not connect with you in any way can bring me right up close to the pain again.

I had a long chat with David the other night, he is going through so much with the worry about his mum, Johnny too I guess, but David talked to me about it and that brings us closer together.

He is a very caring young man.Cares for all of us wants any success he has to be for "the family" he does not want success for the sake of it. I am touched by this.

I am planning my workshops for 2013 now, and getting ready to finish counselling in April.

I am a bit worried that I will not be able to earn some money doing what I want to do, and excited that it is possible to have it my way.

David was reminding me that there are people out there with money,and this is true.

I would feel OK taking money for courses and workshops from people who can afford it.

I seem to spend my time working with people on small budgets,like myself, so I don't charge very much and often give discounts or don't charge anything.

That is one of my challenges for this year. Take a leaf from your book dad and indeed all the children, they all earn two or three times more than our pensions put together. No guilt there.Jackie earns four times as much as we earn together ,pension wise.Then they have Geoff's earnings.Unimaginable to me.

I like David's philosophy ,he wants to earn a lot of money and be successful but he has a purpose.

Like me he feels that the family means everything.

Friends ,work,hobbies ,charity, alone time ,pd, art, creativity all have important place in our lives too.


For many of us it is the family we come home to share all the joys and sorrows of those other things with.

This is why people with awful families or no families are so vulnerable.No protection against the slings and arrows of misfortune

Thank god for you pa and our family, our siblings and shoots, and all the aunts and uncles and grand parents too, we were truly blessed,but we took it all for granted because it was normal for us.

We do our best for our families, pa as you and mum did. We don't always get it right but that doesn't matter I don't think ,as long as we had the best intentions.
In the end our children come to know that.
Sometime while we are alive and sometimes after we have gone.

Getting very philosophical pa, I miss our chats just the two of us, especially when you were an older man and had the time to reflect.

I love you dear dad, I miss you, and I don't hurt so much. As auntie Isa said ,you would want that, you don't want us to me sad all the time. We are getting there.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me!

Happy New Year!

Hello Blog,
we  have  a blank page, a new year!

 We are still in the Christmas season, Matthew and Marie and Matthew Alexander are on their way here as I type. :-) we have had a lovely Christmas season.

We had a party for students which was fun. We had a party for our friends, and we got lovely feedback from everyone. I think people are surprised that we encourage them to share poetry ,songs, readings, tell stories. Yet when people experience it, they love it.

They also love a real tree, and home cooking, makes people feel cared for.

We also had a three day event. here over Christmas, Christmas eve,tea and cakes for the Phil's then drinks and nibbles later when Andrew joined in.

Christmas Day we did the lunch for Phil and the boys too, It was lovely , especially to be here in our own place.Lots of food wine, games readings,all good fun.

St Steven's Day, Brunch and crosswords ,then Andrew left for Warwick. The Phil's and John had a siesta and I went for a walk, Then we had a Racklette lunch, more crosswords, supper of leftovers from Christmas, and we finished off with a Christmas West Wing.

27th the Phil's came in for brunch again, Philip was not feeling to great with a bad cold and sore throat, we gave him a big case so he could get all his gifts back to Salford and he took a taxi,thank goodness.

Phil left for Richard and Doreen's and we had very long siesta and light supper and an early night.

Gary and Wendy did not come in the end but it was ok.We needed the time to recover from Christmas.

We had no plans for Hogmanay except the two of us having a quiet night, but Phil had no plans so we invited him over, and he said yes, but that he would need to leave on the 10.30 train back to Manchester.

I was keen to go out as I was a bit fed up with dishes.

Then Andrew and Lucy decided to join us so we made a merry party.

I had my haid cut, and a facial and it was really nice to do some hings for myself.

We all met at the Phil and had a drink, then to Host for a lovely meal. Taxi to Lime Street to see Phil off, then back to Ullet for "The bells" we read up about Hogmanay and that caused a fair bit of discussion, the the bells, Happy New Year, food champagne, first footed the neighbours, dancing, more wine, very late bed.
January 1st was a beautiful day, we both went for a walk and the park was lovely.

More baking more preparations for M&M  NICE MOVIES AND WEST WINGS, I am enjoying A Casual Vacancey although there are no nice people in it so far,


Love you pa, had a few wee greets over the season ,but doing Ok really xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx