Dearest dad,
we have come to the two year anniversary of your death.
October 5th was the date you left us. My heart was broken that day and I realise I will never be the same person now that you are gone.
The last two years have been hard but I have kept going through the tough times.
I am mostly OK but the 5th was very hard, I felt very tearful and missed you as much as ever that day.
I saw you at the five trees, it is very comforting having your ashes there, I imagine you in the trunk, bark,branches and the leaves.
I heard the other day on the radio, someone saying that when someone dies we have to find a new way of having our relationship with them.
This made complete sense to me pa.
I have been finding my way with you.
You would like the Collins Family Facebook album that Wendy started, lots of pictures going up,it is really lovely.Some very special pictures of you in the 5th.
Sam and Louise are having a little boy, we now know, so your first great grandchild is on his way into the world.
We are all good, we keep in touch, more than you might have imagined.
Matthew and Matthew have been here to visit with John and I.Sandra and Jackie have been here and are coming again in November.
Gary emails sometime,Wendy is the one that keeps in touch though.They have all been very supportive since John has been so ill.
It looks like he will be home tomorrow!
Andrew and Lucy continue to be happy together and have a good life, always some holiday on the horizon or weekends with friends.
They have been immensely supportive to me since John's illness I am so grateful to them and so glad that they are close by.
Philip is at a crossroads, looks like changes are afoot for him, he is doing a tefel course this month he wants to travel and teach English, and maybe have a travelling pizza oven too, to visit festivals and sell pizzas in the summers.
We do not see so much of Bill and Irene now, after all, they were your friends pa, and we will be forever grateful for their care of you .
This is the official end of my blog recording my journey through my mourning for you pa.
I suspect that once in a while I might add some footnotes.
You ever loving daughter , Helen
Tuesday 8 October 2013
Monday 9 September 2013
September
Hi dad,
John is being moved back from Clatterbridge to Woolton Marie Curie. today I hope the next step is back home, but we will have to wait and see, continue to possess our soul and patience.
We have had a good weekend, Johnny was here on Saturday which give me the day off from visiting.
Some days John is up somedays down, and so far I find it hard to detach my self, I am very affected by his moods.
I can hardly believe we are moving into the last month of our blog. I said at the begining I would keep in up for two years, that will be up on October 5th.
I think of you daily, still, but it is not painful anymore, only very occassionally, I smile when I think of you and talk of you.
I want to write about you, young Matthew said he wished he had know you better, had gone to the van with you,I felt for him.
My two were so lucky, as were all five of us, we knew you in Argyle mode, we saw you doing all the things that you loved
to do.
I hope to write something about you for the younger ones, who did not get to know you so well.
Day'll come pa.
Love you always, your ever loving first born, Helen x
John is being moved back from Clatterbridge to Woolton Marie Curie. today I hope the next step is back home, but we will have to wait and see, continue to possess our soul and patience.
We have had a good weekend, Johnny was here on Saturday which give me the day off from visiting.
Some days John is up somedays down, and so far I find it hard to detach my self, I am very affected by his moods.
I can hardly believe we are moving into the last month of our blog. I said at the begining I would keep in up for two years, that will be up on October 5th.
I think of you daily, still, but it is not painful anymore, only very occassionally, I smile when I think of you and talk of you.
I want to write about you, young Matthew said he wished he had know you better, had gone to the van with you,I felt for him.
My two were so lucky, as were all five of us, we knew you in Argyle mode, we saw you doing all the things that you loved
to do.
I hope to write something about you for the younger ones, who did not get to know you so well.
Day'll come pa.
Love you always, your ever loving first born, Helen x
Andy Murray is Wimbledon Champion
Good news dad, you would have been thrilled, mum too.
We were in Castlenel when the final was played, so we did not see it. In fact I think I would have been too nervous.
Scotland is going mad, almost everyone is delirious. he can rest on his laurels now.
John is going for an X ray today, we hope to know what is causing the pain.Arthritis or cancer?
What ever it is John's needs better pain relief, he cannot walk, well, around the house ,a bit.
We have not been out since we came back from Alicante, I have of course, for shopping, a wee walk, but not socially with John.We have not been for a coffee or a glass of wine. I am struggling to come to terms with all this change. Sometimes I want to get on a plane and just go somewhere, away from all this stress, worry, and not least all the extra work.
My life has changed so much in this last few months. I have no time to myself, in my head or in reality, my life resolves around John's life.
I fear what the future holds.
I have got a livingsocial deal going on right now, hoping to have some workshops to run when I get back to Liverpool. A diversion for me, work!
We were in Castlenel when the final was played, so we did not see it. In fact I think I would have been too nervous.
Scotland is going mad, almost everyone is delirious. he can rest on his laurels now.
John is going for an X ray today, we hope to know what is causing the pain.Arthritis or cancer?
What ever it is John's needs better pain relief, he cannot walk, well, around the house ,a bit.
We have not been out since we came back from Alicante, I have of course, for shopping, a wee walk, but not socially with John.We have not been for a coffee or a glass of wine. I am struggling to come to terms with all this change. Sometimes I want to get on a plane and just go somewhere, away from all this stress, worry, and not least all the extra work.
My life has changed so much in this last few months. I have no time to myself, in my head or in reality, my life resolves around John's life.
I fear what the future holds.
I have got a livingsocial deal going on right now, hoping to have some workshops to run when I get back to Liverpool. A diversion for me, work!
Monday 12 August 2013
new blog
Hi dad,
John is very ill, terminally ill, not sure what the prognosis is but I can tell, I am not sure how to live without him, and you and mum and Kintillo Drive.
John has been my rock the one I tell everything to ,who has helped me through the awful time in the last few years, in fact during the last 26 years. How can I cope when he is gone.
Wish you were here XXX
John is very ill, terminally ill, not sure what the prognosis is but I can tell, I am not sure how to live without him, and you and mum and Kintillo Drive.
John has been my rock the one I tell everything to ,who has helped me through the awful time in the last few years, in fact during the last 26 years. How can I cope when he is gone.
Wish you were here XXX
Monday 5 August 2013
to-day is a good day.
Hi Pa,
I bought a little hanging that says" today is a good day" it is to give me encouragement ,to help me remember that even in the worst of time, there are good moments.
I talked to you at "the five trees" the other day.
John is very ill, cancer in his bones as well as prostate, but the doctor says it is not "end of life" he can have pain relief and be home ,in time.
I felt so happy this morning when I heard, I really want John to come home for some time.
But other people seem very sad with the news, so maybe I am in denial, or they are fearful of what this means.
Anyway it is how it is, I think if I can have John home here for a while, some time with him pain free in our own home, it will help us both come to terms with whatever is to come.
Death ,in time.
I am sad,I feel I have had too much illness and death in my life this last few years, in fact since both grans died and grandpa. I am not the same since you all left me, and god knows how I will cope without John, It is unimaginable although I try to imagine it, at times.
John is the love of my life, he is my sunshine. We have been so happy together, been through thick and thin. Marriage , bringing five children up, and together ,over the years. Lost our home, worked for £800 per day and £3 an hour.
Through illness, starting fresh a few times, Ireland ,Spain and back in Liverpool.
Dad I heard someone say on the radio that once the worst has happened to you, you no longer live in fear, but not true, the worst has happened to me,losing you, especially ,but all the others, mum grandparents, aunts uncles cousins. I still live in fear of losing John and all the others I love.
Although I admit, once you have been through it, you do believe that you can live through it again, maybe that is hopeful. I still do not want to go through all that pain again, but it is the price we pay for love. I must look up the prophet on love. I seem to remember it talks about the pain.
Just found it, it is heartbreakingly true.
I bought a little hanging that says" today is a good day" it is to give me encouragement ,to help me remember that even in the worst of time, there are good moments.
I talked to you at "the five trees" the other day.
John is very ill, cancer in his bones as well as prostate, but the doctor says it is not "end of life" he can have pain relief and be home ,in time.
I felt so happy this morning when I heard, I really want John to come home for some time.
But other people seem very sad with the news, so maybe I am in denial, or they are fearful of what this means.
Anyway it is how it is, I think if I can have John home here for a while, some time with him pain free in our own home, it will help us both come to terms with whatever is to come.
Death ,in time.
I am sad,I feel I have had too much illness and death in my life this last few years, in fact since both grans died and grandpa. I am not the same since you all left me, and god knows how I will cope without John, It is unimaginable although I try to imagine it, at times.
John is the love of my life, he is my sunshine. We have been so happy together, been through thick and thin. Marriage , bringing five children up, and together ,over the years. Lost our home, worked for £800 per day and £3 an hour.
Through illness, starting fresh a few times, Ireland ,Spain and back in Liverpool.
Dad I heard someone say on the radio that once the worst has happened to you, you no longer live in fear, but not true, the worst has happened to me,losing you, especially ,but all the others, mum grandparents, aunts uncles cousins. I still live in fear of losing John and all the others I love.
Although I admit, once you have been through it, you do believe that you can live through it again, maybe that is hopeful. I still do not want to go through all that pain again, but it is the price we pay for love. I must look up the prophet on love. I seem to remember it talks about the pain.
Just found it, it is heartbreakingly true.
Kahlil Gibran on Love
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Saturday 15 June 2013
Father's day 16th June 2013
Hi pa,
missing you today , second Father's day without you!
I think you took a little bit of my sparkle my zest for life when you left us pa.
Or maybe it is getting older that is doing this to me. John is less mobile now,maybe arthritis in his hip, maybe something else.We won't know till we get home. But I am pretty sure whatever is happening, it means less mobility for John. We have stopped going out for a coffee, or a glass of wine now.I do all this shopping which John always loved doing.
Frank takes John to the doctor's nowadays too, no more meeting for a coffee once John has been to the clinic.
Frank is invaluable and his car,I do not think we could be here without him ,or someone who does what he can do for us.
I could of course, but would I want to be? my life is getting smaller as John 's is.
Yesterday as part of the madness of grief, which is worse at the run up to special occasions like Father's day.
I was trying to figure out how to get back to Kintillo Drive and walk up the path and open the door walk in and you would be there, and further back too, we would all be there together.
No matter what I so, what I think ,no matter how much I want it, I won't see you again. Not in this life.
I wish I believed that I would see you again dad. It seems to give people comfort.
The truth is no one knows, this universe is vast and holds many mysteries.
Some people are sure one way ,some sure the other. It is only beliefs, which in the end can change disappear in a puff of smoke. People think if they believe it strongly enough, say it louder then others, then it must be true.
I think it is ignorance ,not to at least to be open to the possibility that there might be another way to look at things.
But no matter which way I look at this pa, you are gone. I can't go back to the way things were. No one can. As Gavin would say " it's a bummer" Gavin has been gone three years.I thought it was four.
Susan does well ,has moved on in many ways, but she still really misses him.
Sam is to be a dad, his partner is Louise. I have not met her.
I felt quiet warmed by this news, a new life with your blood and mums blood running through his or her veins.
You would both have loved this news, a new wee Collins, Mc Lean in fact. You would be Great Grand Parents . This child is your great grand child, even if you are not here to meet him or her.
I hear Jackie is not happy about this. What is new pa, Jackie is hard to please.
This is Sam and Louise's news and Sam sounds very pleased about it.
Happy Day pa, you are the best, I love you I miss you.
I don't write in the blog so much now dear pa, but I think of you every day.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.
and so it is.
missing you today , second Father's day without you!
I think you took a little bit of my sparkle my zest for life when you left us pa.
Or maybe it is getting older that is doing this to me. John is less mobile now,maybe arthritis in his hip, maybe something else.We won't know till we get home. But I am pretty sure whatever is happening, it means less mobility for John. We have stopped going out for a coffee, or a glass of wine now.I do all this shopping which John always loved doing.
Frank takes John to the doctor's nowadays too, no more meeting for a coffee once John has been to the clinic.
Frank is invaluable and his car,I do not think we could be here without him ,or someone who does what he can do for us.
I could of course, but would I want to be? my life is getting smaller as John 's is.
Yesterday as part of the madness of grief, which is worse at the run up to special occasions like Father's day.
I was trying to figure out how to get back to Kintillo Drive and walk up the path and open the door walk in and you would be there, and further back too, we would all be there together.
No matter what I so, what I think ,no matter how much I want it, I won't see you again. Not in this life.
I wish I believed that I would see you again dad. It seems to give people comfort.
The truth is no one knows, this universe is vast and holds many mysteries.
Some people are sure one way ,some sure the other. It is only beliefs, which in the end can change disappear in a puff of smoke. People think if they believe it strongly enough, say it louder then others, then it must be true.
I think it is ignorance ,not to at least to be open to the possibility that there might be another way to look at things.
But no matter which way I look at this pa, you are gone. I can't go back to the way things were. No one can. As Gavin would say " it's a bummer" Gavin has been gone three years.I thought it was four.
Susan does well ,has moved on in many ways, but she still really misses him.
Sam is to be a dad, his partner is Louise. I have not met her.
I felt quiet warmed by this news, a new life with your blood and mums blood running through his or her veins.
You would both have loved this news, a new wee Collins, Mc Lean in fact. You would be Great Grand Parents . This child is your great grand child, even if you are not here to meet him or her.
I hear Jackie is not happy about this. What is new pa, Jackie is hard to please.
This is Sam and Louise's news and Sam sounds very pleased about it.
Happy Day pa, you are the best, I love you I miss you.
I don't write in the blog so much now dear pa, but I think of you every day.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.
and so it is.
Wednesday 1 May 2013
May Day 2013
All over Europe people are having a holiday to-day and people are giving each other flowers.It is nice.
Uk have next weekend as the holiday,but I think the reason for the holiday gets lost when you don't have it on the day.
I want to keep going with this blog,pa ,till October 5th .I said I would and I will. To honour you.
After that I will start a new blog, not sure what about yet, maybe some writing following on for the work I am doing in Vein of Gold.
I will put the flowers on the balcony today. We used to do this at the van at this time of year. I liked they rhythms in Inveraray, you always knew what you were supposed to be doing depending on the month.Indeed what to eat too, especially in the early days when food was much more seasonal.
I think this is one of the attractive things about Castalla there is a rhythm to life here, a daily,weekly ,monthly and yearly rhythm which I find comforting.
Auntie Isa liked Daniel's plaque, she is doing ok, needs a bit more care nowadays.Hugh was over in Glasgow and had his usual trip down memory Lane, went to the College, walked across the Kelvingrove Park, to the Art Galleries. He has such great memories of his child hood there with Grannie and Granda or Nan and Pops as he called them.
He took lots of fab pictures.he even got into the old college, now beautiful apartments took some there too.
He had a night out with Matthew Glen and Gordon.
Funny to think it was once You ,uncle Tommy and Uncle Hughie, who went our for pints, a few decades ago, now your sons carrying on the tradition.I love it.
Still love and miss you dad, The Matt Collins window and the stained glass panel are a great comfort, I had not know they would be, but they are.
Peace to the North
Peace to the South
Peace to the East
Peace to the West
Peace be without,peace be within,
Peace peace peace.
and so it is!
Uk have next weekend as the holiday,but I think the reason for the holiday gets lost when you don't have it on the day.
I want to keep going with this blog,pa ,till October 5th .I said I would and I will. To honour you.
After that I will start a new blog, not sure what about yet, maybe some writing following on for the work I am doing in Vein of Gold.
I will put the flowers on the balcony today. We used to do this at the van at this time of year. I liked they rhythms in Inveraray, you always knew what you were supposed to be doing depending on the month.Indeed what to eat too, especially in the early days when food was much more seasonal.
I think this is one of the attractive things about Castalla there is a rhythm to life here, a daily,weekly ,monthly and yearly rhythm which I find comforting.
Auntie Isa liked Daniel's plaque, she is doing ok, needs a bit more care nowadays.Hugh was over in Glasgow and had his usual trip down memory Lane, went to the College, walked across the Kelvingrove Park, to the Art Galleries. He has such great memories of his child hood there with Grannie and Granda or Nan and Pops as he called them.
He took lots of fab pictures.he even got into the old college, now beautiful apartments took some there too.
He had a night out with Matthew Glen and Gordon.
Funny to think it was once You ,uncle Tommy and Uncle Hughie, who went our for pints, a few decades ago, now your sons carrying on the tradition.I love it.
Still love and miss you dad, The Matt Collins window and the stained glass panel are a great comfort, I had not know they would be, but they are.
Peace to the North
Peace to the South
Peace to the East
Peace to the West
Peace be without,peace be within,
Peace peace peace.
and so it is!
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