Father's day 16th June 2013

Hi pa,

missing you today , second Father's day without you!

I think you took a little bit of my sparkle my zest for life when you left us pa.

Or maybe it is getting older that is doing this to me. John is less mobile now,maybe arthritis in his hip, maybe something else.We won't know till we get home. But I am pretty sure whatever is happening, it means less mobility for John. We have stopped going out for a coffee, or a glass of wine now.I do all this shopping which John always loved doing.
Frank takes John to the doctor's nowadays too, no more meeting for a coffee once John has been to the clinic.
Frank is invaluable and his car,I do not think we could be here without  him ,or someone who does what he can do for us.
I could of course, but would I want to be? my life is getting smaller as John 's is.
Yesterday as part of the madness of grief, which is worse at the run up to special occasions like Father's day.

I was trying to figure out how to get back to Kintillo Drive and walk up the path and open the door walk in and you would be there, and further back too, we would all be there together.
No matter what I so, what I think ,no matter how much I want it, I won't see you again. Not in this life.
I wish I believed that I would see you again dad. It seems to give people comfort.
The truth is no one knows, this universe is vast and holds many mysteries.

Some people are sure one way ,some sure the other. It is only beliefs, which in the end can change disappear in a puff of smoke. People think if they believe it strongly enough, say it louder then others, then it must be true.
I think it is ignorance ,not to at least to be open to the possibility that there might be another way to look at things.

But no matter which way I look at this pa, you are gone. I can't go back to the way things were. No one can. As Gavin would say " it's a bummer" Gavin has been gone three years.I thought it was four.

Susan does well ,has moved on in many ways, but she still really misses him.

Sam is to be a dad, his partner is Louise. I have not met her.

I felt quiet warmed by this news, a new life with your blood and mums blood running through his or her veins.

You would both have loved this news, a new wee Collins, Mc Lean in fact. You would be Great Grand Parents . This child is your great grand child, even if you are not here to meet him or her.

I hear Jackie is not happy about this. What is new pa, Jackie is hard to please.

This is Sam and Louise's news and Sam sounds very pleased about it.

Happy Day pa, you are the best, I love you I miss you.

I don't write in the blog so much now dear pa, but I think of you every day.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.

and so it is.