Embrace v Reject

Hi pa, I had strange conflicting  feelings this year .

I felt an excitement about moving into the new year and embracing it wholeheartedly. Conversely I was reluctant to move into 2013 because it took me further away from you.It is funny how you think you are unique and different from everyone else, while knowing you are really the same and in many wanting to be the same. I have heard people talking about their grief and this feeling is quite common.Yet it feels unique to me.It is now two years since you died, since you left us. (not really till October , but in year dates it is indeed two years) that is scary ,there is is feeling I will forget you, won't miss you so much and there is a guilt about that, although I also know that is healthy. If I have allowed my self you mourn your loss I will spend less time missing you as time goes on.

I am developing a sense of gratitude for having you in my life( trying to focus on that rather than the loss)

but I do feel deep sadness at times, a piece of music a remark made by someone maybe someone not connect with you in any way can bring me right up close to the pain again.

I had a long chat with David the other night, he is going through so much with the worry about his mum, Johnny too I guess, but David talked to me about it and that brings us closer together.

He is a very caring young man.Cares for all of us wants any success he has to be for "the family" he does not want success for the sake of it. I am touched by this.

I am planning my workshops for 2013 now, and getting ready to finish counselling in April.

I am a bit worried that I will not be able to earn some money doing what I want to do, and excited that it is possible to have it my way.

David was reminding me that there are people out there with money,and this is true.

I would feel OK taking money for courses and workshops from people who can afford it.

I seem to spend my time working with people on small budgets,like myself, so I don't charge very much and often give discounts or don't charge anything.

That is one of my challenges for this year. Take a leaf from your book dad and indeed all the children, they all earn two or three times more than our pensions put together. No guilt there.Jackie earns four times as much as we earn together ,pension wise.Then they have Geoff's earnings.Unimaginable to me.

I like David's philosophy ,he wants to earn a lot of money and be successful but he has a purpose.

Like me he feels that the family means everything.

Friends ,work,hobbies ,charity, alone time ,pd, art, creativity all have important place in our lives too.


For many of us it is the family we come home to share all the joys and sorrows of those other things with.

This is why people with awful families or no families are so vulnerable.No protection against the slings and arrows of misfortune

Thank god for you pa and our family, our siblings and shoots, and all the aunts and uncles and grand parents too, we were truly blessed,but we took it all for granted because it was normal for us.

We do our best for our families, pa as you and mum did. We don't always get it right but that doesn't matter I don't think ,as long as we had the best intentions.
In the end our children come to know that.
Sometime while we are alive and sometimes after we have gone.

Getting very philosophical pa, I miss our chats just the two of us, especially when you were an older man and had the time to reflect.

I love you dear dad, I miss you, and I don't hurt so much. As auntie Isa said ,you would want that, you don't want us to me sad all the time. We are getting there.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me!