Christmas Eve

The Christmas Music is beautiful yet too painful to listen too.Just breakes me up.
All the presents are wrapped ready to go to Salford and Glasgow.Susan's card and gift have gone, hopefully in time for 1/1/12.Marie's birthday card has gone and Steve's card and gift have gone too. Jackie is on the 8th so I have time to make a card for her in Glasgow.Been feeling a bit wobbly my tummy a bit upset but I am sure it is the upset rather that anything physical.
We had drinks with our young neighbours the other night,it was a plesant interlude.I just feel uneasy with people right now. I fear my tearsand distress with frighten them off and sometimes I simply break down.I did with a client the other night,but I have been working with her for a good few years,so it was OK.She just asked how I was at the end of the session thank fully.
I have been receiving lovely warm comforting emails from family and friends.It is a good things,even it it does bring a few tears.
We opened our presents from John's family and my clients,people ahve been very generous.Lovey gifts indeed.
We enjoyed a few hours in town today, but did not go to the Carol service I was simply too tired.We will pack soon for Salford and Glasgow soon and then have a nice simple meal and a movie.Then an early night! Next blog from Glasgow.

Eye hospital/Clare's post.

this morning a friend posted on her facebook " we never lose the people we love,they live on in our hearts" I cried and cried.We do lose the ones we love.I would give anything to have my dad back in his chair at Kintillo,to see him sitting in the garden with his yellow cap on ,giving us a thumb's up and a big cheery grin.

I do understand the concept, my grandparents who I adored do live on in my heart, as does my mum. But it is too soon to be able to take that on with dad.Mum we lost so many years ago to dementia,it felt like a blessed release.

I went back to the eye hospital today to get the wonderful news that both eyes are at the right pressure :-) feel very relieved.Thank god for living in modern times.And god help all the people in the world who have no access to simple life /sight saving methods. I feel very grateful indeed.I will go abck in February for Laser treatment thenti see Dr Chaudra in four months.Hopefully all being well I will go every six month for a while and eventually yearly. I am grateful and I feel blessed.
All shall be well,
and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well.
To day is a good day.

Christmas Movie with Andrew and Lucy "Hugo"

I went to the eye hospital on 12th December.It was a very tough day,three hours of tests and finally told I have Glaucoma in my left eye.I was/am totally shocked. My eyes have been blurring a bit, but I thought is was tiredness. I am being treated with tablets ,for a week,and drops for life. I will go back on 22/12 to see if the tablets have brought the pressure down. Fingers crossed.
I am very uncomfortable with doctors looking in my eyes,I did not do too well as a patient.Although I got better as time went on.I am also a dab had at putting drops in my eyes now.
I was a werck when I left,looked as white as a ghost and about 90.Andrew was coming round so i has a wash changed into my jeans out on some make up and felt a bit better.I told him all about it after we ate cakes and talked about Castalla and the Matt Collins window.He was very encouraging.I slet very well and went to work in Chester the following day and I was ok.Work helps.
I had coffee with anita and got some of her childrens books for the grandchildren :-)The yellow Sofa,just delightful.I am a bit worried about her she has been coughing for months.I cried a bit about my eyes and my beloved dad.Just can't stand that he is not here.Had a long chat with Susan and she talked about how it is for her having Christmas in Sydney without Gavin.Last year she came here. It is just so sad.
I made all my Christmas cards over the weekend,from cards I received over the last two years.It was good ,theraputic.I iced six small Christmas cakes and made more white chocolate and cranberries.
All my presents are here and i wrapped all of them too.,for Warwick Salford Scotland,and the London,Cambridge Australia ones have been posted.
Went to the Holly Bough service on Sunday 21st.it was beautiful.The Catherdal was packed out.The usher foud us two seats together.
We ahve watched two Christmas movies so far.I am going through the motions because I think it is right,never avoid,just makes it worst next time.But I feel like hiding and crying a lot the christmas carols break me up.I was not up to Beth's party on Saturday night,but it was nice to think of all the people in green red and silver clothes having fun.
I have had beautiful touching emails from far and wide ,people wishing me Courage.It helps.I feel cared for.Tonight we are going to Wagamama for food with A&L then to see Hugo.Hoping to feel some cheer.I have sewn all the buttons on Andrew's coat and have amazon stuff for him to take to Philip's on Christmas Eve,as well as candles and party poppers :-) must make an effort.Dad I love and miss you I will never forget you X

Back in Liverpool December 2011

Back for a week or so in Spain. We had beautiful weather for December ,even for Castalla! Frank was working away on the balcony and terrace while we were there,it was good to have it done but not so relaxing to have him coming in every morning.The work is beautiful though.
One day ,Matthew's birthday in fact I had a day of grief for mum and dad. All the memories of his birth and the joy in Bank Street flooded back, It was quite painful. I felf physical pain and nauseous. I am glad I understand the grieving process or I would be quite worried about myself.
It was interesting that on the last night of the Artist's Way I felf very upset. I came back from Dad's funeral and knew I had to get my head down and get this six week course as well as the three Saturday workshops done.When I came to the end of the work ,the pain came back in force.
Same with last day in Castlenel.Coming back to real life with no dad.Sore.
I still have the urge to contact him every day.Today I was listening to D.I.Discs.
Puccini's "Oh My beloved Father" came on and I was totally unprepared for the flood of tears heartache.
Christmas and New year will be tough but it has to be gone through ,and with luck and the blessings of the gods,I may have some joy too.
I have decided to pay for the velux window in the Jardin and it will be dedicated to Dad.The Matt Collins Window.Dad would like this I am sure.
Went to the Swedish Lucia at the Liverpool Cathedral last night ,I always feel close to dad there,a place I can just sit and be with myself and my thoughts of him.
It was a beautiful experience to be part of an old rural tradition of Sweden. A beautiful young girl from the Nordic Gustaf Adolf Church in Liverpool was picked to represent Lucia, she wore long white robe with a red silk belt,and a crown of real lit candles and about twenty other girls were her maidens ,wearing the same costume but they carried their candles.They all sang Santa Lucia at the beginning and the end of the service.They sang about ten short swedish verses during the service too.

Weekend with the the boys !

I was supposed to be going to the Adlerian meeting this week at Anita's and the craft fair at Oxton. I did not have the energy,last weekend took up a lot of my energy.
I ran a workshop on Saturday and got wonderful feeback from all the students.That is always a good feeling.Inner Child is a favourite of mine.
Philip came that night and cooked a lovely fresh colourful meal for us.It was good to see him and have time to catch up with all the his news.
We had a Black and White movie afternoon with Andrew and Lucy on Sunday. Manhatten.It was great I enjoyed it even more this time round. Lovely to spend a cosy afternoon with A&L!
Missing dad,want to tell him what is happening with the boys, just day to day things about life.I wonder if he is out in the Universe somewhere watching over us.Some of my Irish Catholic friends said when dad died,"another angel to watch over you" it is what they say,it is nice.Wish I thought it was true.My Jewish friends say "I wish you a long life" when they hear someone close has died.
Last night of Artist's Way tonight,it has been a good course and a lovely group.
Tomorrow John and I travel to Spain,hope the pc works over there.Looking forward to seeing Castlenel.Castalla,The Med! Carrer Mig.Looking forward to my own room ! and LA with my great massage chair and chez long.And what Phil has been up to on the balcony!

A Christmas Carol!

Today I wakened up feeling peaceful.That was a good feeling. The sadness comes in waves.Today I was aware of a sense of relief,I did not have to worry about dad,no sending texts and holding my breath till one came back.No dreading the end the doctor promised for pa. Dad had his dignity right to the end.It meant the world to him and to us. We all sense that his last week back home in Kintillo was a happy week.............................
We had a night out with Andrew and Lucy on Wednesday,I had booked seats for A Christmas Carol at the Anglican Cathedral. I thought it would be a lovley start to Christmas,in that beautfiul space and see Charles Dicken's wondeful Christmas story acted out.
Unfortunately it was a pantomime,and fine for 10 year olds,I knew quite quickly that we would not enjoy it so I asked John to slip out to see if the doors were opened,they were and we all left ,and many followed us.
It was lovely ,we all had a good laugh ,we went to the Phil for a drink and had a great catch up which we all enjoyed.
Then we came back here to Ullet Road where I had left a suppper ready to be warmed up.John talked a lot about "big Archie" The Lightbody clock,Lucy said how much she was enjoying Latitude.I then shared the story of our Day in Scotland scattering dad's ashes. Proud to say I was able to talk about it without any tears.Progress.
I would like to go with Andrew and Philip and indeed Lucy ,if she would like that ,to visit, in their cases ,their great great grandmothers graves.Then to Inveraray too, especially as Lucy has not been there. I think it will happen.
Todady it feels quite wintery,we were hoping to go to Patsy and Kev's local fair at Oxton with Anita and Philip tonight, but sadly they are not able to go and we can't face public transport in this wet and windy weather.Sad because it will be a lovely evening.I have an Inner Child workshop tomorrow,must go and bake a cake,lovely weekend ahead, Philip coming tomorrow night and will cook for us:-) and on Sunday when he is at a wedding,we are going to Black and White Movie Sunday and Andrew and Lucy's. I can't think of a nicer way to spend a cold wet weekend.

Visit to Scotland

I gave my Artist's Way group an exercise on Monday night. I gave each person a piece of paper with one sentence written on it, and asked them to continue on writing, a short story a poem or a memory.
There were a few pieces of parper left in the box ,as the students got on with their task,I picked out one for myself.
The line was " It is my favourite place because....this is what I wrote.


It is my favourite place because it is steeped in memories of my dad.

We scattered his ashes there last weekend,at the edge of the loch, below the deep blue mountains as the sun was going down.
I thought of what is said on Armistice day...... something like " At the end of the day, as the sun goes down,we will remember them"

That day was filled with love for dad, and a growing love for each other.

The five of us went,with dad,on our last journey with him,to say our last farewell.

" at the end of the day,when the sun goes down, I will remember you dear beloved pa!


This was written about the end of the day ,we had set out at 8.00am My brother M collected me then S.

We stopped for takeaway coffee on the Byres Road.Then we collected G in Neilston and J in Kilmarnock.
We took dad's Ashes to New Cummnock and scattered some on his grandmother's grave,we left some flowers and had a group hug.
We went to see if we could find Daniel's grave,my father's brother who died at birth,my grandparents were so poor they could not afford a burial,my poor dear beloved grandfather had to take his child at night and bury him in the graveyard.How must he and my lovely grannie have felt? not only losing her child but not having the money for his burial.
We decided we will get a plaque for him.

AS we left we stopped for a few minutes enjoying the peace of the sweet river Afton flowing past.
I understood why dad wanted a little bit of himself there.

We then headed to the Boig Road when dad was born.It is all new houses now,it was miners cottages in his day.

Glaston was our next stop at dad's other grannie's grave, she made great treacle scones.
Again I saw why he wanted to be there .The cemetry is in a peaceful spot and is well looked after.
WE scattered more of dad's ashes, laid more flowers and had more hugs.
Inveraray was or next port of call,stopping off in Glasgow to leave one of the cars,and at The Black Sheep, at the head of Loch Lomond ,for a quick lunch.

Then to the spot I wrote about earlier


We all shared our memories of our time in Inveraray with mum and dad,saw the little house that mum was evacuated to during the war.
Dad had said he wanted the remainder of his ashes scattered in the loch and a half bottle of whiskey poured on top ,G provided a bottle of Macallum whiskey,only the best for our dad.We stood for a good while watching the ashes the whiskey and the flowers all float out to the loch. I could not help cry,it was too much, the place was just filled with memories of dad,and he was not with us,we all kept saying dad would love this day,and he would have.

We took some pictures ,I am glad we did, at first I thought it might be morbid,but looking at them is comforting,and although it was poignant and sad,it was amazing too.

All the siblings forgetting little niggles and promising we will continue to meet often.

We have not needed to do that before as we met at Dad's now we have to make the effort and we all want to wholeheartedly.

As each one of us left the car,I felt sad again,we had gained so much comfort from each other.

I invited S&H for drinks and it was fun and we were invited there for Christmas Day and invited to Avimore with G for New year.

I have decide I want/need to be with my own children at Christmas and that is what we are going to do.

Christmas eve in Liverpool.

Christmas Day and Boxing day in Salford.

27th December till sometime in January in Glasgow, at dad's house ,with lots of family coming and going, maybe for the last time. We will give Kintillo a last Hurrah!
I will always love my dad I can't stop because he is not here anymore.

I have discovered I have a greater strength that I thought I had.

I did not think I would surive the death of my dad.....and I have..thanks to him his love I am able to let him go,a little tiny bit.

Armistice Sunday

Today I felt unbearable sad,hear some beautiful poems on Radio 4 ,one read by dear Ellie.
I was hoping to go to the Anglican Cathedral for the 10.30 service but I was unprepared for how bad I would feel today.My sorrow runs very deep.
Jenny has been in touch to say they are all getting ready for John's Lightbody family party.I am so glad and so grateful to them. I love this Lightbody family especially Jenny Robert and David.
Next week we go to Glasgow for the party on Friday night and the scattering of dad's ashes on Saturday morning.I am sure that by then I will have found my inner strength by then,
I hoped to be with dad at Christmas this year. I have managed to get some shopping done for Christmas but not able to think about what to do on the day.
Christmas eve is normally my favourite day of the year,not sure how it will be this year. I will of course, go through the motions and hope to get intouch with some of the joy and some of the hope.
I feel like a knotless thread,a favourite expression of mum's " hinging aboot like a knotless threed!Tomorrow is another day,just hide under the douvet and let this day wash over me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Celebrations with Sue and Margaret.

We picked up some goodies from Matta's and some wine and headed to Chester,we had a lovely warm welcome from S&M. Great meal,beetroot pate,baked trout,sliced potatoes in herbs and cider-,warm spinich salad,and hot stuffed tomatoes,followed by Apple Crumble,washed dowm with lovely cold white wine.Caught up with all the news,John told the story of the Lightbody clock and great fun was had by all. I did not talk about dad ,this was a night for John. n the morning we all went to the river Dee and watched the rowers in the beautiful November sunshine while drinking coffee. Alice joined us ( Sue's mum ) and we had breakfast in the Blue Moon Cafe they played great 50s 60s music on a great old jukebox.Carol joined us and we met Mike briefly.I like him.We talked a bit about dad at that point and I got a bit upset,Sue and Carol lost their dad about the same time we lots mum,there was an air of sadness around us all for a little while.
The Alice told a joke:-) chu chu twain!Sue dropped us at the train after picking up a lovely young friend ,who might come to Liverpool with Sue next time for a coffee at the Walker Gallery.I had such a strong urge to text dad to tell him we were at the river.He would have like to know that,he liked Chester.Pictures of the 24 hours in Chester all up on f'licker now. John's 5th celebration is under his belt.
Watched the last episode of Jury when we got home,we really enjoyed it. Bought a few Christmas presents in Past Times today.Things going on in Castlenel with the Ani saga,it is too much for me to think about.As is Christmas. neighbours having a party tonight ,could be noisy but we don't mind,good for them.

Rememberance Day

Remembering today,and all the men and woman who have died for my freedom and the great gift of living in a peaceful country for and allowing me to feel safe in my own home and my own country.In love and gratitude.
I enjoyed the new poems on Radio 4 for rememberance day this afternoon.Very moving.
I have done my second telephone counselling session this week, this morning.
I like that I can work on the phone with people in far flung places.Today Irelend earlier this week Cheshire.
Pleased to be getting my standing orders sorted out :-) and my paperwork in order.
Tonight we are having a birthday dinner for John in Chester,with Sue and Margaret.
This is the first celebration that I don't have to organise or help out with. Happy to sit and relax and drink some wine.
We will get the 6 o'clock train from Central.This will give us time to get some goodies in Matta's to take with us!
I have squeesed another person onto my last two workshops this year.I had already announced on facebook the workshops were fully booked.
Christmas presents starting to arrive from amazon,thanks goodness for online shopping.I ordered three new Christmas DVDs they arrived today ,hope they will be worth a watch!

Christmas shopping online !

I started shoppinng online for Christmas.Such a great invention online shopping. We are going to Glasgow next week,then Spain on November 29th.I need to have it all done by then,I think.I want to celebrate Christmas in a small way at least.
I have booked tickets for A Christmas Carol for 23rd November ,for us and Andrew and Lucy. It is on at The Anglican Cathedral, a wonderful space for it.
I saw some lovely Christmas tree decorations on Past Times website,I will go in tomorrow to see how they look in real life. I may get some as Christmas gifts.

I had a wonderful massage from Beth this morning,boy did I need it.I feel a great benefit from it. I will make sure I will have one every three weeks starting in January.I have more time for myself now that I don't have to travel so often to Glasgow.(sad but true)I am going to get my craft box out today and start making some Christmas cards. I will make a few Christmas Cakes over the weekend.
M. received her litte worry doll yesterday and was thrilled to bits with it.I hope she will be ok,waiting for tests results is always hard.
I am enjoying Jury it is on for one hour every night this week. I would not like to be on a jury,I would find it hard to judge people.
It is still very mild. Plans are afoot for work on the Balcony and Sophie's terrace at Castlenel. All we need is the money,hopefully the lettings money will cover it.
We bought a new printer the other day. It looks nice.
I posted Wendy's card and a post card to Bill and Irene and David in OZ.
I still talk to dad on my morning pages,it helps.5 weeks yesterday since dad died.

 

 

 

 

Creative people at Ullet Road.

Last night we had week three, of this years Artist's Way course.I am stunned by the courage and vulnerability of people. And moved by the hopes and dreams they share with me.
I am still receiving lovely messages of support and love from family and friends.It helps a lot. I have been reflecting on grieving . I believe it is a unique journey for each soul. I wonder if we are helped by being surrounded by the love support of good friends and if having useful things to do, helps in some way. I can imagine that my grief for my father would be much more constant if I did not have good friends, loving family ,stimulating work and hobbies that I can still enjoy.I think if I lived an isolated life with few friends and family, maybe no work,no interests or no money pursue my interests that my grief would dominate and might even be prolonged.

I will always love and miss my dad and when I bump into my grief it is deep profound and heartfelt. I can't imagine how terrible it would be with no help to distract me for a while.
My grief is a lone journey ,but when I come up from the pit,I am grateful for the life I have that sustains me and nourishes me.
Today I had routine blood tests. I asked for a flu jab and was pleased to hear I am too young for it ( at least on the NHS) nice to be too young for something.
I have started my Christmas shopping ,online. Feels good.Yesterday I bought fairy lights, a golden star and party poppers. I bought lots of ingredients for Christmas Cakes and winter baking . ( which means more fruit cakes)I read somewhere that even if you are grieving or going through some kind of hardship, to still go through the motions of the annual rituals,it will be a good thing in the end.I agree, although when I read it I thought it would not be possible for me.

A walk in the park and ,All Souls

I had a walk in the park on November 6th and saw people having picnics.The weather was so beautiful and the colours so intense.I was moved to tears. I took pictures all the way and put a set on flick'r called A Walk in the Park.

We went to the All souls service at the anglican Cathedral it was truely wonderful,the choir the organ and the readings.The Dean who is standing in till the new one arrives is a delightful man. Warm friendly and fatherly.At the end of the service ,all of us who had a loved ones they wanted to remember, were given nightlights and we all left them on the alter ,it was a beautiful touching experience. Phil sent me a photo today of my father at the Falkirk wheel.It is a wonderful picture ,he look so real so alive so happy. Where is that life that vital spark?

We heard today that we can't officially scatter dad's ashes on his Grandmother's graves. We are going to have to be creative about this.

Kev's daughter has had a daughter,happy days a new life. Maya Katerina,beautiful child beautiful name.

Fireworks and feelings.

Last night was wonderful,we had more friends here to share in the celebrations.I asked people not to bring presents,maybe bring a poem or something they had created.
John received,lovley art, cakes baloons, home made chutney ,jam, and home made apple juice ,along with great cards.Thoughtful bought ones and hand made too.

This party was made of of new friend swho were students on out Artist's Way course.We heard how they were continuing along the creative path and we were touched to have been in at the start of their journey.
Then John told a bit of the story of his journey to finishing his book and how he came to get the Lightbody clock.They were a great audience really appreciated John's work and were very encouraging.
We were both shattered today ,luckily we had no plans. I managed to get a massage at Niche,the restful perfume scented room and the care of the therapist helped me relaxa nd I felt very sad and tearful,and that was ok. i came home and slept for about two hours.That was good. Someone posted billy connelly on facebook singinf "my own ones" more tears and good too. As i type I can hear fireworks from Sefton Park. May be tempted out to join in the fun.

Part 4 John's 80th.

Been very busy with work this week.It has been good to have a focus. The weather has been just beautiful and John and I have been out in the park having toasties and we went to see The Help at Fact. I loved it ,especially as it was the last book dad suggested I read. I am using morning pages to write to dad when I feel I want to tell him something.I can't stop telling him about my life and what the family are all up to so suddenly.It will take time. I spoke to a woman who's father died years ago and she said she still has conversations whith him. I am glad ,it is not madness it is a way of comforting yourself.All kinds of things take me to my sense of loss:music ,even music that is not connected to dad in any way,nature,a passing converstaion,almost anything is dangerous,can start me off. Other days I am going around feeling in charge in control on top of this.I feel for Sandra and Matthew they have all the legal stuff to do. Dad's roof has a tiny leak and a roofer has to be got,just more things to see to when you don't have the energy to cope with it.
Looks like we have a day set to scatter dad's ashes. November 19th.That will be a long day and may be harrowing for all five of us.Dad has requested that his ashes be scatter on both his grandmother's graves and in Loch Fyne at Inveraray.We will do exactly as he wished.The house will go next maybe in weeks or maybe in months but it will go. I see in my mind's eys cutains closing slowly ,like the curtains in a theater ,and one day they will be completely closed and I will not be able to get behind them to see that life in Kintillo Drive ever again!
Tonight the Artist;s Way group that John was part of as a student, are coming to celebrate John's 80 with him. Poems readings ,food wine ,tea cakes. Will be good I am sure.

Halloween

Our 24th wedding anniversary to-day.:-)
Today has been more difficult for me . I want to contact dad,text him email him, ask how he is,tell him what we are doing today.I am deep down shattered. Saw the doctor,she is new to me, young ,lovely, Greek. I have to go for my regular blood tests and she will make an appointment at the eye hospital for me.
John and I had morning coffee in oomoo and afternoon tea at Fact,lemon Cake,coconut cake ,delicious. Loved the staff wandering around with Halloween costumes and scary faces,bravo Fact.Got a card for Kev,he is a grand-dad to a little girl,since 30/10 happy news.Clocks have gone back now,getting dark very quickly.
We will watch ET tonight,my favourite Halloween movie.

All Saints service,Tate,mersey ferry.

Last night we had a lovely evening at Host with Parsy Kev,Anita and Philip.I wanted to makes sure the festive atmosphere continued for John. We had great food and happy conversations we all enjoyed Host. We went back to anita's and had cake and tea and presents for John. He was able to thell our friends about his birthday and his book and The Lightbody clock.They all enjoyed heaing about it.John had a great night.They were all very kind about dad,but I could not talk about it ..it was John's night.

To day I felt like going to The Anglicain Cathedral to the all saints day service.I thought it would give my grief some space. It was a beautiful service ,the music was magical and moving and the Dean gave a thoughtful talk about loss and lonlieness. The reading was the beatitudes which I love. I was quietly tearful during the service and did not take communion.I was too upset. The Anglicans in Liverpool do very well,a woman took the service and it was encouraging multicultural.I find the ritual comforting. they pass the peace nicely the clergy go among the congregation.
We bought a candle then walked to the Tate in beautiful autumn sunshine.We had tea and croissants and talked about the service.When we left we were heading home but the day was so beautiful and i felt good being out side,we walked along to the Ferry Terminal and took a ferry on the mersey. Loved watching the little sail boats bobbing on the waves and the seaguls swooping and diving ,one seagul reminded me of Jonathan Livingston Seagul gliding on the wind. Today is a good day and I miss dad.

Stunning colours,yet dreich!

I have been answering emails and cards sent to me about the loss of pa.
It is very emotional. I feel as if I am reliving the whole thing.
I am having a restful day,hot bubble bath,siesta,reading in bed and a tasty lunch.
We are having dinner at Host tonight, with Anita ,Philip Patsy and Kev, which we are both looking forward to.We contine with celebrations for John's 80th birthday which I don't wan't to get lost.

 

chopping vegetables ,mozart,sunshine.

Had a wonderful sleep thanks to Beth's massage.Optician this afternoon for an eye test
I need new lenses for reading glasses and I have to go to the hospital in the next few months to let them have a look at my eyes to make sure all is well.
Felt shook when i left,just one more thing to deal with.Change feels hard right now, there has been enough change in our lives.John had his flu jab today.
Sandra and Matthew have handed in the form at the sherrif court, Well done both of them.I am delighted to hear Bill and Irene are coming to Jackie and Geoff's wedding.

I listened to Mozart while the sun shone through the windows this morning, I was making celery soup and carrot and corriander soup,the house smells lovely.

I am going to John Lewis to buy some more wool then for a walk round the albert dock,might have coffee and a scone at the slavery museum.
we plan to hollow out our pumpkin this evening.

Fowers ,soup,hugs,emails texts and cards

Last night a friend brought me,on behalf of herself and her sister, two huge bunches of roses along with a thoughtful card.I cannot tell you how much they lifted my spirits.Today a dear friend gave me a big tub of chickpea and nettle soup for the days I don't feel like cooking. In the last few days I have received emails with simple XXX on them.The good wishes and loving thoughts and gestures have a unique healing power over me. I feel "held"! cared for loved.
I was at the dentist this morning at 9am and had to have an unexpected injection.I felt a bit wobbly. When I left the dentist I decided to brave having my eyebrows plucked too. The young woman asked my if I was still travelling back and forth to Glasgow,and I felt my eyes filling up.Telling the people on the perefiry who don't know yet is quite emotional.
This afternoon I ahd a beautiful massage ,I thought I might float away.Bliss.
John and I have booked flights to Alicante on November 29th, we will stay for just over a week. I have to go to Glasgow again in November, for a family meeting about mum and dad's house, car ,and mobile home in Argyle ,as well as maybe scattering dad's ashes. Another tough visit.Castalla and dear Castlenel have specail healing powers for me. Hoping to be rested in order to embrace Christmas, a festival I love and usually welcome with open arms, just not sure how it will be this year.
Happy 18th birthday dear Greg.

3 weeks today

Three weeks to day since dad died.Still can't take it in,still sad, still shocked.
Started counselling again today,really meant to leave it for one month but I am only seeing people I know well.
John and I decided to have a week in Castalla just before Christmas. Being in that lovley space that is Castlenel will be good for me.
The days are very slow right now.It feels more like a million years since I got the call to say dad had died.Yet my feelings are acute, sharp raw as the moment I heard.
Wish I lived closer to my brothers and sisters.G is much better today the pain is going, and he will go back to work tomorrow.
REceived two beautiful bouquets of roses this evening and a beautiful card.I am amazed at how much comfort thoses gifts and messages comfort me.
I remember when mum died 14 months ago how comforted dad was with the gifts and messages too.

A good day.

Today the sun is shining and the sky is blue and autumn is beautiful.Maureen and Bob came and did the cleaning for us,thank goodness for them.
We had coffee , bought some birthday cards, shopped at Matta's then had a late breakfast in Fact. We bought lots of vegetables at the stall just off Bold Street then walked down to Paradise street to get the bus.My cold is going away now,still a bit weak but certainly on the mend.
I miss my dad,frequenty want to text him,email him ,tell him it is a beautiful day in Liverpool.Tell him what we are doing,ask him what he thinks about Man U getting beat 6-0 my Man City.Tell him I am coming in November.Where is he?

John is reading me Latitude each night. it is lovely having it read to me.
Gary is off work with his poor sore eye. He cannot read, use the pc, or read,for a while.
I am still receiving cards,emails and text, filled with condolances love and support.
It does help me or at least comfort me.
Last night's Artist's Way was a lovely evening.I am glad to be doing this,and also glad I am not counselling just yet.
Happy birthday Penny!

out for a walk /phone gone now.

Today I feel much brighter. I went for a walk and the autumn is just stunning, it is quite warm for this time of year.
I booked a massage,and organised to see the doctor,optician,and the optician. I take all this as a good sign.
I was a bit shocked when my sister S told me this morning that dad's phone number has gone. I have been ringing that number for 44 years.

So many things are changing I/we have a lot to adjust to.It will take time and I will get there, one small step at a time.With a little help from my friends.

My sister J sent me a picture of a dress she may wear on her wedding day.That is cheering. My son P raised £50 for charity and won a cooking competition and he loved his Salsa dancing.
Just saw that my son A had got a ticket for StoneRosesconcert,he is very happy,
My neice R is graduating on November 3rd clever girl,. nephew G will be 18 27/10 Happy birthday,Neice J off to NY to have fun for her 30th with friends :-).Life goes on ,and that is good.

 
 

 
 

Time goes by real slow.

Today doing morning pages was very painful ,found myself writing a letter to my dad telling him how much I missed him and how the family are coping without him.
I know he is dead yet i can't take in I will not see him hug him kiss him again. I found myself texting him the other day, not expecting anything back obviously,I am not totally mad just regular grieving mad.My youngest brother G has been suffering terribly with his eye,he squirted head and shoulders shampoo into his eye the other night and he is in all kinds of discomfort.We all seem a bit broked,getting ill, very tired accident prone. Text book stuff but so so real when you are living through it.

I can't make up my mind whether I should cancel my work this week,sometimes it helps other times it feels impossible.Counselling is the hardest thing as it is emotional anyway.The workshops with John's help can be helpful.Ran one yesterday in spite of awful cold. They were a lovely samll group and John was there so it was ok.

I think next Saturday A&P&P&K will go out for a meal,maybe at Host,instead of the dinner party I had planned.

Might cancel 4th November and go to Glasgow,but why,dad's not there ,but the siblings and co are and that might help me feel a bit better.

An advert came in this morning for a children's writer's workshop in Oregon by the Pacific.Would love to be there right now.I am tempted to book it ,it is in July for a week. We could go after Jackie's Wedding.That is all booked up for June 9th at Park Circus Registary office in Glasgow then at The Pond Hotel. A happy family event ther will be good. Must let the boys know about booking the Pond,do it now and it is inexpensive ,leave it till June cost's an arm and a leg.

Want to write about my time in Spain, Ireland, Scone,Inverary. I am just not able to reach that far back right now.

October 21 fluy day!

My youngest sister J was here with her fiance G two days ago and we had a small celebration of her engagement, It was overshawoded at the time by dad's death.

We had a lovley walk in the park, a siesta then champagne ( sparkly ) presents, food and wine. It was specail because she has not been to visit us in Liverpool since we came home from Spain in 2008.

We felt sad too, it is simply unavoidable at this stage.

After they left I came down with this cold. I feel like I am living the text book on grief and ticking the boxes,this stage is flu.

My niece posted a picture today on facebook,a picture I took.. It was of her on her 21st birthday with my dad in the garden and Kintillo!

It is a beautiful photo and they both look so happy sharing a joke,they so obviously love each other.I was touched to see the photograph.

A few days ago,
I sent my sister in law M a copy of my self published book " Murray's Waterfall Home!
A month or so ago I published it on line, on smashwords! She downloaded it, her purchase was my first sale!I wanted her to have the first copy as a thank you for her encouragement.

I got a text from her today,she is thrilled to bits.It lifted my sprits.

It is a strange time, dad is dead,life will never be the same. I am hearbroken and not well ( today) yet I get a lift from a photo posted on facebook and a text from M.

I am containing so much feeling,and fortunately getting the chance to express it too.

I am working tomorrow,a workshop, people think I should cancel,but really I would prefer to do it,workshops and not quite as draining as counselling.
I may have to cancel next weeks clients.

All the handouts are ready for tomorrow,and John has made some visual aids for me.

Lovefilm arrived today "Waltz with Bashir" looking forward to it but probably not tonight.Tonight is an early night for me.

19/10/11 2 weeks since.

It is two weeks today since my dad died.I have been receiving cards and messages from people and I find all of them a comfort.I have had emails from people, sharing their memories and stories about dad who was Matt to them ,or papa,or uncle Matt,or unca Matt,or "the big yin" I notice I type dad yet I called him "pa"
A memory came in this morning for a young friend who now lives in Australia, he remembers being with my dad in Inveraray and enjoying smoked fish,snowballs ( a sweetie) and Irn Bru,years later as a young man he remembers playing bowls and having a beer with dad.And the surprise for me was that he remembered Dad taking him and his sister to the cinema to see Airplane.My dad rarely went to the cinema ( except in his very young days) I like to think of him seeing Airplane,he surely would have enjoyed it.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
Thomas Campbell

While we remember dad and talk of him and tell tales of him. he does indeed live on for me.

A journey.

On Wednesday October 5th 2011 ,my dearly beloved dad died.

I am in the very early stage of grief. Sometimes I feel ok,or at least numb.

Other times I feel desolate ,lost and cannot take in the fact that i will never ever see ,touch or hug my dad again.It is just to big too much to take in.

I no longer fear the phone ringing.I no longer have constant feelings of anxiety.

I am left with a very deep sorrow.

I am wondering if keeping a blog of my journey through grief will be theraputic.

I feel very tired much of the time,yet not sleeping very well.
I feel for my siblings,Sandra ,Matthew, Jackie and Gary,and my sons Andrew and Philip.
I feel for all the people who loved my dad and are grieving for him and missing his cheery grin his zest for life and his uniqueness.

What I want to do is be in Glasgow and be close to my Glasgow family.I find it comforting to be with them. They just know what I feel and I just know what they are feeling.Or at least this is what I believe so I still gain comfort from it.

I feel sad that our family home for over four decades,since Burn's night 1967 ,is to be sold and dad's caravan in Argyle, he had that for almost as long as we had, 36 Kintillo Drive.

And with the morn those angel faces smile
Which I have loved long since and lost awhile.
~John Henry Newman

I would like to believe that dad is with angels,or with mum ,his mum and dad,his friends and family that he has grieved for.

But I don't!

yet what do I know? who really knows? once you lose a dearly beloved loved one you start to consider this question. Or I am.