Monday, 27 August 2012
Castlenel "dramas" bank holiday weekend.Old trafford
Hi blog,
Sandra loved her red kindle cover with the little torch on it :-) and the vouchers to top up with some books.
We met the oncologist on Friday. Not an easy visit although they were all very good people.
We went for a trip on the Mersey Ferry after ,and the sun was shining and we really enjoyed it.
I felt a bit shook after the hospital.it is always good to get it over with.
More x rays when we come back from Spain, the another injection,then October 19th back to the oncologist.
They are very good at monitoring John and keeping it touch; I imagine as time goes on and they are happy with progress we will settle into the three monthly appointments.
I had a lovely Saturday.
Andrew collected me late morning and we drove to Salford.He told me about all the things they did in Edinburgh . I loved listening to it all ,felt I was there . I must have been about Andrew's age the last time I was at the festival.Where does the time go?
We had coffee with Philip and Neil and a meeting about Phil's 70th it all sounds as if it is going to plan.
Looking forward to having the apartment to share with everyone .
We walked to Old Trafford, stopping at a local hotel for a drink.The rain was torrential at times but we managed to stay relatively dry.
It was very exciting being there again, being part of such a big crowd, seeing all the players warming up then the game starting.I love it.The first half was unbelievably exciting,second half, not so much, but we did win and that was good.
We drove home and when I got back John had had a good restful day and felt like going out to Fact for a drink,which we did,and it was good.
The whole day out did me a lot of good.
Phil arrived in Castlenel yesterday and we had a very successful AGM. All good .I don't think there was any stress at all. people were able to laugh at the tough bits more than we used to.Good for all of us.We are a credit to ourselves and each other.
Phil had a few calamities today, the main one being the electricity was cut off.
Thanks to himself and with Sophie's help it was back on later in the day :-)
Sara and her sister came in this morning and according to Phil were whirlwinds, got things back in shape,after the paying guests left, very quickly,even the power cut did not phase them, did what they could then came back later and will come again in the morning.
A large part of the shopping for M&C is done thanks to Phil and Frank.
Phil sounded much more relaxed this evening,so all is well that ends well.
Market for him and Frank tomorrow for the veggies!
It is remarkable for me to know all this is happening ,and being well done too.
I can relax now, knowing Castlenel and our paying guests are good hands ,as indeed La Comparsa is. We are blessed in Castalla.
I am hoping that my locket will arrive tomorrow,my bracelet came last week, this finishes off the insurance claims after the burglary
Really looking forward to being in Castlenel again and being part of the festival.
Will miss Philip,but I am so happy he is going ti Napels to spent time with Carmela.
Night night blog !
Sandra loved her red kindle cover with the little torch on it :-) and the vouchers to top up with some books.
We met the oncologist on Friday. Not an easy visit although they were all very good people.
We went for a trip on the Mersey Ferry after ,and the sun was shining and we really enjoyed it.
I felt a bit shook after the hospital.it is always good to get it over with.
More x rays when we come back from Spain, the another injection,then October 19th back to the oncologist.
They are very good at monitoring John and keeping it touch; I imagine as time goes on and they are happy with progress we will settle into the three monthly appointments.
I had a lovely Saturday.
Andrew collected me late morning and we drove to Salford.He told me about all the things they did in Edinburgh . I loved listening to it all ,felt I was there . I must have been about Andrew's age the last time I was at the festival.Where does the time go?
We had coffee with Philip and Neil and a meeting about Phil's 70th it all sounds as if it is going to plan.
Looking forward to having the apartment to share with everyone .
We walked to Old Trafford, stopping at a local hotel for a drink.The rain was torrential at times but we managed to stay relatively dry.
It was very exciting being there again, being part of such a big crowd, seeing all the players warming up then the game starting.I love it.The first half was unbelievably exciting,second half, not so much, but we did win and that was good.
We drove home and when I got back John had had a good restful day and felt like going out to Fact for a drink,which we did,and it was good.
The whole day out did me a lot of good.
Phil arrived in Castlenel yesterday and we had a very successful AGM. All good .I don't think there was any stress at all. people were able to laugh at the tough bits more than we used to.Good for all of us.We are a credit to ourselves and each other.
Phil had a few calamities today, the main one being the electricity was cut off.
Thanks to himself and with Sophie's help it was back on later in the day :-)
Sara and her sister came in this morning and according to Phil were whirlwinds, got things back in shape,after the paying guests left, very quickly,even the power cut did not phase them, did what they could then came back later and will come again in the morning.
A large part of the shopping for M&C is done thanks to Phil and Frank.
Phil sounded much more relaxed this evening,so all is well that ends well.
Market for him and Frank tomorrow for the veggies!
It is remarkable for me to know all this is happening ,and being well done too.
I can relax now, knowing Castlenel and our paying guests are good hands ,as indeed La Comparsa is. We are blessed in Castalla.
I am hoping that my locket will arrive tomorrow,my bracelet came last week, this finishes off the insurance claims after the burglary
Really looking forward to being in Castlenel again and being part of the festival.
Will miss Philip,but I am so happy he is going ti Napels to spent time with Carmela.
Night night blog !
Thursday, 23 August 2012
The joy of a sister!
Today I told Sandra that John is ill.
She was great,very supportive even though she is feeling yuk with a bug.
She took an interest in how I was and what I might need. I appreciate this.
Nautrally if I get support from friends and family ,it makes it easier for me to support John.
I will tell Matthew in Spain.
As I am doing that,that wekend, Sandra will tell Jackie and Gary.
I really appreciate that she is willing to do this for us.
Sandra's birthday tomorrow, we will both be 63 now until 25th September.
Poor mum, what a hand ful she had to cope with when Sandra was born.
I am going to the opticians tomorrow to see if they can give me new glasses to help with the imbalance.
I was going to wait till I am in Spain as they have a great selection of frames and they are cheaper.
But I was there today getting my specs fixed and just decided to go for it.
Had a big pang for my dad yesterday, really wanted to see him again.
I have those craving less now ,but wow when they come it is just as strong.Still don't believe I will never see dad again.
Nine months since you died pa.It has been a bit of a roller coaster since one way and another.
Thanks to you.I have ordered a beautiful painting from dot-art called Mimosa. I have a picture of you sitting under it in 2008 and I am waiting for new beds from John Lewis.
I hoped that John and I might do a bit of travelling with my inheritance pa ,but it looks like making everything a bit more comfortable here, and in Castlenel,is where it is at.
For a while at least it is better to go to places close to home and our doctor.
Or Castalla .because we are in the medical system there and we have support there too.
I can understand why you did not go off and spend your money on cruises and all the things we were thinking up for you pa.
When you are not well a bit frail and vulnerable,you want home comforts and familiar things.
Of course you do.
Daniel's little plaque will be going up at the crematorium" room of remembrance "soon dad,that will complete everything. I will go and visit it next time I am in Glasgow with Sandra.
You will be happy to know that we still have the van in Inveraray.It has been a bad summer, you would have hated it pa. So people are not out and about looking for holiday homes in Argyll.
We had one offer from a friend of Heidi's ,but it was an insult that we did not dignify with a response.
If I lived in Glasgow I would not hesitate to encourage us all to keep it but I have Castlenel,and it is just a bit to far for a regular weekend trip.
as you would say pa "whit's fur us 'll no go bye us"
Autumn is in the air here,looking forward to the autumn colours some of the leaves have started changing already.
You loved the seasons pa! I think of you as the seasons turn, mum said you were Nature Boy,she thought of you when she heard that song.
Keeping calm and carrying on!
She was great,very supportive even though she is feeling yuk with a bug.
She took an interest in how I was and what I might need. I appreciate this.
Nautrally if I get support from friends and family ,it makes it easier for me to support John.
I will tell Matthew in Spain.
As I am doing that,that wekend, Sandra will tell Jackie and Gary.
I really appreciate that she is willing to do this for us.
Sandra's birthday tomorrow, we will both be 63 now until 25th September.
Poor mum, what a hand ful she had to cope with when Sandra was born.
I am going to the opticians tomorrow to see if they can give me new glasses to help with the imbalance.
I was going to wait till I am in Spain as they have a great selection of frames and they are cheaper.
But I was there today getting my specs fixed and just decided to go for it.
Had a big pang for my dad yesterday, really wanted to see him again.
I have those craving less now ,but wow when they come it is just as strong.Still don't believe I will never see dad again.
Nine months since you died pa.It has been a bit of a roller coaster since one way and another.
Thanks to you.I have ordered a beautiful painting from dot-art called Mimosa. I have a picture of you sitting under it in 2008 and I am waiting for new beds from John Lewis.
I hoped that John and I might do a bit of travelling with my inheritance pa ,but it looks like making everything a bit more comfortable here, and in Castlenel,is where it is at.
For a while at least it is better to go to places close to home and our doctor.
Or Castalla .because we are in the medical system there and we have support there too.
I can understand why you did not go off and spend your money on cruises and all the things we were thinking up for you pa.
When you are not well a bit frail and vulnerable,you want home comforts and familiar things.
Of course you do.
Daniel's little plaque will be going up at the crematorium" room of remembrance "soon dad,that will complete everything. I will go and visit it next time I am in Glasgow with Sandra.
You will be happy to know that we still have the van in Inveraray.It has been a bad summer, you would have hated it pa. So people are not out and about looking for holiday homes in Argyll.
We had one offer from a friend of Heidi's ,but it was an insult that we did not dignify with a response.
If I lived in Glasgow I would not hesitate to encourage us all to keep it but I have Castlenel,and it is just a bit to far for a regular weekend trip.
as you would say pa "whit's fur us 'll no go bye us"
Autumn is in the air here,looking forward to the autumn colours some of the leaves have started changing already.
You loved the seasons pa! I think of you as the seasons turn, mum said you were Nature Boy,she thought of you when she heard that song.
Keeping calm and carrying on!
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Mum's birthday !
Hi blog,
it was mum's birthday yesterday.
I felt sad and I thought about her.It was such a horrible time for her in the last years, for all of us, but mainly mum and dad.
I have been feeling a little unstrung lately. I feel that I have too much to do.
I am running hard to stay in the one place.
I feel like getting on a plane and going somewhere.
I feel scared that I might not have a normal life again. I will have to stay in every night.
We have lost the spontaneity in our lives, can't just decide to go to Fact, go out for a drink , go on the ferry.Whatever! everything is planned around how much energy John has.
And I am totally fine with that and understand,but it does affect me too all this change.
Will I ever just go off to Glasgow for a weekend without making sure there is someone to care for John.
I keep running out of things, because John kept an eye on milk and things like that,and went out for them, usually while I was counselling,now I have to notice there is something running low and go and get it.
All small things, but it is hard to keep my pecker up, do all my own things, take care of John, go to doctor and hospital appointments with him see clients and plan courses for the autumn,and all the family things too.
I have lost the some jewellery and my railcard, I hope it turns up. I cannot understand what is going on.
I am managing to work ok. In fact it is the one time I am totally focused on something else and happily I can still do that. I notice that when I finish. am much more tired.
I have told Anita and Liz now,it is hard telling people about John as I am taking care of the people I am telling as they love him too. Liz was so upset,Anita so angry. I must tell Sandra, yet when I tell her I have to tell Jackie Matthew Gary.
And four calls in one day is too much.
I really want to tell Sandra. As Johnny says if you don't tell people how can they help you? Yet I like the normality of Sandra calls and contacts.
Oh pa last year at this time we were with you for that glorious month of August in Kintillo.
Little did we really know what was about to unfold. I was prepared and not prepared.
Now I do not know what to expect,what the future holds what to plan for.
Just try to take a day at a time, and during all this John is so good so kind so accepting of "what is"
All shall be well ,
and all shall be well ,
and all manner of things shall be well.
and so it is.
it was mum's birthday yesterday.
I felt sad and I thought about her.It was such a horrible time for her in the last years, for all of us, but mainly mum and dad.
I have been feeling a little unstrung lately. I feel that I have too much to do.
I am running hard to stay in the one place.
I feel like getting on a plane and going somewhere.
I feel scared that I might not have a normal life again. I will have to stay in every night.
We have lost the spontaneity in our lives, can't just decide to go to Fact, go out for a drink , go on the ferry.Whatever! everything is planned around how much energy John has.
And I am totally fine with that and understand,but it does affect me too all this change.
Will I ever just go off to Glasgow for a weekend without making sure there is someone to care for John.
I keep running out of things, because John kept an eye on milk and things like that,and went out for them, usually while I was counselling,now I have to notice there is something running low and go and get it.
All small things, but it is hard to keep my pecker up, do all my own things, take care of John, go to doctor and hospital appointments with him see clients and plan courses for the autumn,and all the family things too.
I have lost the some jewellery and my railcard, I hope it turns up. I cannot understand what is going on.
I am managing to work ok. In fact it is the one time I am totally focused on something else and happily I can still do that. I notice that when I finish. am much more tired.
I have told Anita and Liz now,it is hard telling people about John as I am taking care of the people I am telling as they love him too. Liz was so upset,Anita so angry. I must tell Sandra, yet when I tell her I have to tell Jackie Matthew Gary.
And four calls in one day is too much.
I really want to tell Sandra. As Johnny says if you don't tell people how can they help you? Yet I like the normality of Sandra calls and contacts.
Oh pa last year at this time we were with you for that glorious month of August in Kintillo.
Little did we really know what was about to unfold. I was prepared and not prepared.
Now I do not know what to expect,what the future holds what to plan for.
Just try to take a day at a time, and during all this John is so good so kind so accepting of "what is"
All shall be well ,
and all shall be well ,
and all manner of things shall be well.
and so it is.
Thursday, 16 August 2012
.A time to be born a time to die.
I heard from D today,he is trying to get his head round all the is going on for him.Wondering why it is all happening now.
Mum and Dad both ill ,him in so far away..
He hopes to come visit us when he gets home ,and he has had time to sort his head out.
I feel so much for him,for all the children.
I sent him this poem,a song really that I know from when when I was young.
I find it goes round and round in my head.
As I get older; I get it more.
When we are young we want it to be summer all the time.
For us humans there is not much growth if it is all sunshine, we need the trials and tribulations ,we grow through them.
All sunshine makes a desert.
What does not kill is makes us strong.Tis true.
Turn Turn Turn
To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together
To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing
To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to reap, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late.
I am very calm.Am I in denial,or am I at peace with what ever happens. Time will tell. I am getting used to loss. The thing is I don't think we are going to lose John.I believe in the medicine and the doctors are giving me confidence.
Conversely John will die I will die.We are all going to die.
"No matter wht you do Cosmo, you are going to die" Moonstruck.
Someone said we should all think about death for 15 minutes every day then we won't be afraid of it.
that is a bit much , but from time to time yes I agree.We need to address death. I watched my dad going through all the stages untill he came to terms with it...it was a wonderful thing to witness, a person who has come to terms with his life and the fact of his death.
Star Pa xxxx an inspiration to me and many others I am sure.Love you always x
Mum and Dad both ill ,him in so far away..
He hopes to come visit us when he gets home ,and he has had time to sort his head out.
I feel so much for him,for all the children.
I sent him this poem,a song really that I know from when when I was young.
I find it goes round and round in my head.
As I get older; I get it more.
When we are young we want it to be summer all the time.
For us humans there is not much growth if it is all sunshine, we need the trials and tribulations ,we grow through them.
All sunshine makes a desert.
What does not kill is makes us strong.Tis true.
Turn Turn Turn
To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together
To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing
To Everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to reap, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late.
I am very calm.Am I in denial,or am I at peace with what ever happens. Time will tell. I am getting used to loss. The thing is I don't think we are going to lose John.I believe in the medicine and the doctors are giving me confidence.
Conversely John will die I will die.We are all going to die.
"No matter wht you do Cosmo, you are going to die" Moonstruck.
Someone said we should all think about death for 15 minutes every day then we won't be afraid of it.
that is a bit much , but from time to time yes I agree.We need to address death. I watched my dad going through all the stages untill he came to terms with it...it was a wonderful thing to witness, a person who has come to terms with his life and the fact of his death.
Star Pa xxxx an inspiration to me and many others I am sure.Love you always x
Thursday, 9 August 2012
"The new normal"
All the children now have John's news.
I am working to keep a normal routine for John and indeed for me.
John is sleeping more but the good thing is that he seems much more rested after thes leep
He was so utterly shattered and still trying to live a normal life before.I could see he was distressed.
He does not have to be a hero now.
A week today John goes back for his first injection. Please god everything is going according to plan.
I missed a call from Ellie today ,she left a lovely message.They are heading off to France for a three week holiday which they both badly need. They have had all the worry of Maureen, Ellie's pregnancy and now John ,and that is just what I know about.I told Johnny to go off and chill.He was worried about going We don't usually see much of them and we don't want things to change that much ,not yet anyway.
Lara asked for our phone number on face book,she said she would ring, not easy for one so young.David is in China.
Penny had a nice long chat with her pa today.That was good for both of them
Philip is still a bit shook,but hopefully recovering, I told him I had cleaned everything in sight,one of my coping mechanisms,he said he had started cleaning his apartment and gone for a swim.
Sometimes a stressful event can be good for us ,from that point of view, we take more care of ourselves in order to cope.
Andrew is keeping in touch. Thankfully he is keeping an eye out for Philip too. He will spend time with Philip on Saturday and hopefully they will both spend some time with John , me too if it is after 4.00 PM.maybe doing some crosswords.I have my course on Saturday and Sunday so I am glad they boys are around.
I am so grateful that Andrew is close to us.It is reassuring to know he is there, even if we don't have to call on him. A&L are very close to John. They are also able to "keep the heed" in a crisis ,a bit like me in that respect.Does not mean we don't have our moments of sadness and fear.
I like this wisdom of Dalai Lama
.
“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
I am remembering this each day.
Good things
My new camera came today and I have my new phone too.
Hopefully the boys will get them going for me at the weekend.
The whole series of West Wing arrived yesterday, A gift for John now we have the new TV.
That sun shone all day.
I got my hair cut.
I have enjoyed two long walks in the last two days.
I booked a facial for tomorrow.
I have two wonderful sons, three great step children.
I heard from Matthew.
John is feeling good.
We are alive today/
We are blessed.
Everything is unfolding as it is meant to.
I am working to keep a normal routine for John and indeed for me.
John is sleeping more but the good thing is that he seems much more rested after thes leep
He was so utterly shattered and still trying to live a normal life before.I could see he was distressed.
He does not have to be a hero now.
A week today John goes back for his first injection. Please god everything is going according to plan.
I missed a call from Ellie today ,she left a lovely message.They are heading off to France for a three week holiday which they both badly need. They have had all the worry of Maureen, Ellie's pregnancy and now John ,and that is just what I know about.I told Johnny to go off and chill.He was worried about going We don't usually see much of them and we don't want things to change that much ,not yet anyway.
Lara asked for our phone number on face book,she said she would ring, not easy for one so young.David is in China.
Penny had a nice long chat with her pa today.That was good for both of them
Philip is still a bit shook,but hopefully recovering, I told him I had cleaned everything in sight,one of my coping mechanisms,he said he had started cleaning his apartment and gone for a swim.
Sometimes a stressful event can be good for us ,from that point of view, we take more care of ourselves in order to cope.
Andrew is keeping in touch. Thankfully he is keeping an eye out for Philip too. He will spend time with Philip on Saturday and hopefully they will both spend some time with John , me too if it is after 4.00 PM.maybe doing some crosswords.I have my course on Saturday and Sunday so I am glad they boys are around.
I am so grateful that Andrew is close to us.It is reassuring to know he is there, even if we don't have to call on him. A&L are very close to John. They are also able to "keep the heed" in a crisis ,a bit like me in that respect.Does not mean we don't have our moments of sadness and fear.
I like this wisdom of Dalai Lama
.
“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
I am remembering this each day.
Good things
My new camera came today and I have my new phone too.
Hopefully the boys will get them going for me at the weekend.
The whole series of West Wing arrived yesterday, A gift for John now we have the new TV.
That sun shone all day.
I got my hair cut.
I have enjoyed two long walks in the last two days.
I booked a facial for tomorrow.
I have two wonderful sons, three great step children.
I heard from Matthew.
John is feeling good.
We are alive today/
We are blessed.
Everything is unfolding as it is meant to.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Wonderful dream Pa.
Dad I dreamt about you two nights ago.
You walked into the room ,your were about 60 and you looked wonderful.
Big smile and big open arms for a hug.
It was quite unusual because In the dream I knew your were dead yet it was ok for you to be there.
I have longed to dream about you pa ,so glad it has finally happened.Hope I see you more in my dreams.
When I have dreamt of others who are dead; in the dream: I usually don't know they are supposed to be dead, and have felt so sad when I wakened.
But this was different pa, I was so happy to see you and hug you and to be in your presence again and to see you whole again. yet I know it was a bonus as your are dead.
If you somehow made that happen ,if you came to me ,maybe because I am upset, thanks pa. it really helped me feel good,gave me strength.
I know this is crackers thinking , but grief and too much stress can make us a bit mad.:-) I am no exception.
I saw your tree the other day ,it is looking great,I imagine the soil has absorbed your ashes and you are now in the tree trunk the bark and in every leaf.it makes me feel happy.
As you always did/do pa,even when you were driving me nuts. I loved you and was proud to have you as my dad ,my pa, my beloved Father.
You walked into the room ,your were about 60 and you looked wonderful.
Big smile and big open arms for a hug.
It was quite unusual because In the dream I knew your were dead yet it was ok for you to be there.
I have longed to dream about you pa ,so glad it has finally happened.Hope I see you more in my dreams.
When I have dreamt of others who are dead; in the dream: I usually don't know they are supposed to be dead, and have felt so sad when I wakened.
But this was different pa, I was so happy to see you and hug you and to be in your presence again and to see you whole again. yet I know it was a bonus as your are dead.
If you somehow made that happen ,if you came to me ,maybe because I am upset, thanks pa. it really helped me feel good,gave me strength.
I know this is crackers thinking , but grief and too much stress can make us a bit mad.:-) I am no exception.
I saw your tree the other day ,it is looking great,I imagine the soil has absorbed your ashes and you are now in the tree trunk the bark and in every leaf.it makes me feel happy.
As you always did/do pa,even when you were driving me nuts. I loved you and was proud to have you as my dad ,my pa, my beloved Father.
" the hits just keep on coming" a Few Good Men
I feel quite tired today I have been up since 5.00 am- made two soups and veggie stew.
Packed things up for the charity people to collect and repacked the desk as best I could for amazon.
John has ordered a walking stick which is fab,will make life much easier for him. I got my amazon voucher from the insurance people and have ordered my camera today.
The children all know now about John not being too well. It has been a very emotional time for all of us.
I went to Manchester last night to talk to Philip..I am remaining calm and managing to help them hear the news. All the children I have told have been visibly shook . As Steve said to Johnny when Maureen became very ill "this is the new normal" tis true.
We all need time to adjust to it. I think it was right to tell the immediate family. I do feel better knowing I can talk freely to them.If I have to.
John is a good patient, giving up control to the medics,and allowing me to take care of him ,really just fetching and carrying things.
I am not sleeping well as John is up and down a lot. I might make up a bed on the couch tonight.
Look forward to our new beds coming as we will both have our own place and that means we won't disturb each other.Might be an idea when Philip takes the couches away, to get a couch like A&L's that can be made into a bed.
My aim is to stay in the now, and not make plans or think ahead too much.
Easier said than done, as sometimes I am planning a three month stay in France as soon as John is feeling better.
Truth is he may not feel like it.Travel is tiring, dad was just happy to be in his own surroundings when he was not well.
Hoping if we don't get to Castalla that everyone else will go and have fun and not worry about us.
I want to go, I think it will do us both good, but we need to take a day at a time and trust that everything is unfolding as it should be.
I am glad to talk to you blog,,,,helps me get things straight in my mind...and trust that all shall be well!
Packed things up for the charity people to collect and repacked the desk as best I could for amazon.
John has ordered a walking stick which is fab,will make life much easier for him. I got my amazon voucher from the insurance people and have ordered my camera today.
The children all know now about John not being too well. It has been a very emotional time for all of us.
I went to Manchester last night to talk to Philip..I am remaining calm and managing to help them hear the news. All the children I have told have been visibly shook . As Steve said to Johnny when Maureen became very ill "this is the new normal" tis true.
We all need time to adjust to it. I think it was right to tell the immediate family. I do feel better knowing I can talk freely to them.If I have to.
John is a good patient, giving up control to the medics,and allowing me to take care of him ,really just fetching and carrying things.
I am not sleeping well as John is up and down a lot. I might make up a bed on the couch tonight.
Look forward to our new beds coming as we will both have our own place and that means we won't disturb each other.Might be an idea when Philip takes the couches away, to get a couch like A&L's that can be made into a bed.
My aim is to stay in the now, and not make plans or think ahead too much.
Easier said than done, as sometimes I am planning a three month stay in France as soon as John is feeling better.
Truth is he may not feel like it.Travel is tiring, dad was just happy to be in his own surroundings when he was not well.
Hoping if we don't get to Castalla that everyone else will go and have fun and not worry about us.
I want to go, I think it will do us both good, but we need to take a day at a time and trust that everything is unfolding as it should be.
I am glad to talk to you blog,,,,helps me get things straight in my mind...and trust that all shall be well!
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Tears and anger
I have been very tearful this last two days, really miss my pa, every
time I say it is much easier, I feel like I get hit by a bus. I had very
vivid images of dad, felt I could reach out and touch him,almost hear
his voice and smell him. Alas no, of course. I felt inexplicably angry,
everything annoyed me,nothing felt right was not comfortable in my own
skin.
Poor John, sorry to say I took it out on him, but he does understand thank goodness.
So all in all a bad few days. I am calming down now.Saw my last client till July 4th.Thank goodness. I have felt very tired since the wedding.
Since dad died, we have known we had that to look forward to.Now it is all over and it feels a bit flat. I am going to Glasgow on Glasgow fair Friday for a long weekend with Sandra,.
Jackie Gary and Matthew have all made it clear that I can stay with them when I visit Glasgow.
I think I will go once a quarter and stay with each of them once.I don't suppose I will do this forever but certainly the first year.
Folkestone tomorrow thank goodness ,a little house a stones throw from the beach ,next door to the pub,and a view of the ferries coming in and out from France. Sounds good to me.
Then a long weekend with Johnny Ellie and Archie. It is one of the pluses about this new life,I can go to places other than Glasgow nowadays.
All shall be well ,and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well .
Poor John, sorry to say I took it out on him, but he does understand thank goodness.
So all in all a bad few days. I am calming down now.Saw my last client till July 4th.Thank goodness. I have felt very tired since the wedding.
Since dad died, we have known we had that to look forward to.Now it is all over and it feels a bit flat. I am going to Glasgow on Glasgow fair Friday for a long weekend with Sandra,.
Jackie Gary and Matthew have all made it clear that I can stay with them when I visit Glasgow.
I think I will go once a quarter and stay with each of them once.I don't suppose I will do this forever but certainly the first year.
Folkestone tomorrow thank goodness ,a little house a stones throw from the beach ,next door to the pub,and a view of the ferries coming in and out from France. Sounds good to me.
Then a long weekend with Johnny Ellie and Archie. It is one of the pluses about this new life,I can go to places other than Glasgow nowadays.
All shall be well ,and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well .
Monday, 30 April 2012
Ruth's Poem
Let love find you
Let love find you, for
it seeks you now.
Stand in the open
doorway and welcome it in.
This is your home -
this
body, that today is heavy and sad,
another
day will dance.
Listen – even the
small birds
who
tease wool fluff from the gravel
bring
messages of hope.
See – even the magpies
and the crows
are
beautiful.
You will laugh again -
first
learn to laugh at yourself.
Listen to your own
prayer -
answer
your own question.
Let life find you, for
it seeks you now.
Stand in the open doorway
and welcome it in.
Ruth Marshall, 20 April 2012
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