Sunday, 28 October 2012
Cakes, philosophy,poignant music ,new things and cakes again!
Hi blog,
I started this week in Salford, teaching and helping Philip to make a Christmas Cake. it was fun,as was seeing more of Tim Munchin
We spent the following day in Manchester as tourists and we all enjoyed it.
I was feeling very proud that for the first time since dad died, Sandra Jackie and I were together for a few days and there were no tears! just a wonderful few days being together as happy sisters ,having fun!
Then we went to Fact for MMCC to see Beasts of the Southern Wild. Which I loved, BUT there is a scene in that movie when a little girl is saying goodbye to her dying father. On its own it was very moving, but for me it took me back to the last night I spent with my dad in hospital, and we were crying for the same reason. That was the night of my 63rd birthday.
I felt quite sad and ill, actually, for a few days after, intense feeling cause me to shut down my digestive systems. I have found since dad died that I have felt a bit disillusioned about life, I feel ok; I do enjoy things, but I just seem to have lost my zest for life,in the way I used to have it.
The news is awful , people you thought were good people turn out not to be, people you thought you could trust and look up to have let us all down. It is a sad time in many ways.
John and I listened too some music that I loved when we first met, " Light a candle round the world" Val Doonigan." I am but a small voice" Roger Whittaker. "Imagine" John Lennon.
"Light a candle round the world, pray that life will never cease; till the nations of the world; take each others hands in peace. "
I am but a small voice..."we have one hope ,we have one dream,and with one voice we sing....Peace Prosperity and Love to all Mankind"
Imagine all the people ,living live in peace....
Going to San Francisco and wearing flowers in your hair.
They all inspired me to believe in peace, believe it was possible.
Training as a counsellor re-enforced those beliefs,or because of those beliefs I trained as a counsellor.
People are essentially good, people can change, people can take responsibility for themselves.
If I listened enough ,loved enough, cared enough, it would make a difference.
Lately,I have been struggling with my optimistic beliefs, all the deaths, John's illness, getting older myself.
I was worried I was turning into a crabbit auld wife.
Yesterday I run a blessingways event for Beth.I was honoured to be asked although I had never heard of blessingways.
It is get together of woman ,to give love support and encouragement to a woman who will soon be giving birth.
I read a bit about it but decided to go with my own instincts.I know Beth I understand her needs and I have a lot of experience in facilitating groups a lot of experience of life and a lot of experience of being a woman and a mother.
I brought fourteen woman together, they all brought flowers that had special meaning for them, and for Beth.
They brought love, encouragement, support, songs ,poems , food and tears and laughter.
It was a beautiful thing to be part of and to watch,the woman did not all know each other, and I worked hard in the first hour to get every one relaxed and feeling safe enough to listen to Beth and share openly.
Apart from Beth's mum and furure mother-in-law, they were all young woman.
They gave me my hope back ,my belief in the goodness of people, my belief that woman are wonderful and can and do make a difference.
Their wisdom astonished me, thrilled me, soothed me.
I feel hopefull again, because those beautiful woman are bring up the next generation.
They gave me such good feedback and encouragement about my skills in running the event!
I even got a hip hip hooray for Helen!
no competitation, no rivelray ,just woman being together and celebrating each other.
I left that evening feeling rejuvinated : peace, prosperity, and love for all mankind, it possible ,is happening in places all over the world, it is just not news.
Thank you to all you beautiful young and not so young woman, thank you Beth, for the honour of taking part and organising your blessingways.
This week we have also had some nice new things, new cooker hood, new blinds, new sheets.
And I feel renewed !
I baked cakes today,made soup, prepared a lovely salad! thought about my mosaic tile and my next rug.
ordered more Christmas gifts.Planed the next Artist's Way ( which many woman, yesterday had heard about and showed interest in)
Tonight John and I will go to Fact to see Rear Window,and Andrew is right. It is not in black and white, funny how your mind plays tricks on you.
I feel better pa, had a tough few days missing you, now I am doing ok, encouraged, miss you and love you always,but for now. I can live with that.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well
I started this week in Salford, teaching and helping Philip to make a Christmas Cake. it was fun,as was seeing more of Tim Munchin
We spent the following day in Manchester as tourists and we all enjoyed it.
I was feeling very proud that for the first time since dad died, Sandra Jackie and I were together for a few days and there were no tears! just a wonderful few days being together as happy sisters ,having fun!
Then we went to Fact for MMCC to see Beasts of the Southern Wild. Which I loved, BUT there is a scene in that movie when a little girl is saying goodbye to her dying father. On its own it was very moving, but for me it took me back to the last night I spent with my dad in hospital, and we were crying for the same reason. That was the night of my 63rd birthday.
I felt quite sad and ill, actually, for a few days after, intense feeling cause me to shut down my digestive systems. I have found since dad died that I have felt a bit disillusioned about life, I feel ok; I do enjoy things, but I just seem to have lost my zest for life,in the way I used to have it.
The news is awful , people you thought were good people turn out not to be, people you thought you could trust and look up to have let us all down. It is a sad time in many ways.
John and I listened too some music that I loved when we first met, " Light a candle round the world" Val Doonigan." I am but a small voice" Roger Whittaker. "Imagine" John Lennon.
"Light a candle round the world, pray that life will never cease; till the nations of the world; take each others hands in peace. "
I am but a small voice..."we have one hope ,we have one dream,and with one voice we sing....Peace Prosperity and Love to all Mankind"
Imagine all the people ,living live in peace....
Going to San Francisco and wearing flowers in your hair.
They all inspired me to believe in peace, believe it was possible.
Training as a counsellor re-enforced those beliefs,or because of those beliefs I trained as a counsellor.
People are essentially good, people can change, people can take responsibility for themselves.
If I listened enough ,loved enough, cared enough, it would make a difference.
Lately,I have been struggling with my optimistic beliefs, all the deaths, John's illness, getting older myself.
I was worried I was turning into a crabbit auld wife.
Yesterday I run a blessingways event for Beth.I was honoured to be asked although I had never heard of blessingways.
It is get together of woman ,to give love support and encouragement to a woman who will soon be giving birth.
I read a bit about it but decided to go with my own instincts.I know Beth I understand her needs and I have a lot of experience in facilitating groups a lot of experience of life and a lot of experience of being a woman and a mother.
I brought fourteen woman together, they all brought flowers that had special meaning for them, and for Beth.
They brought love, encouragement, support, songs ,poems , food and tears and laughter.
It was a beautiful thing to be part of and to watch,the woman did not all know each other, and I worked hard in the first hour to get every one relaxed and feeling safe enough to listen to Beth and share openly.
Apart from Beth's mum and furure mother-in-law, they were all young woman.
They gave me my hope back ,my belief in the goodness of people, my belief that woman are wonderful and can and do make a difference.
Their wisdom astonished me, thrilled me, soothed me.
I feel hopefull again, because those beautiful woman are bring up the next generation.
They gave me such good feedback and encouragement about my skills in running the event!
I even got a hip hip hooray for Helen!
no competitation, no rivelray ,just woman being together and celebrating each other.
I left that evening feeling rejuvinated : peace, prosperity, and love for all mankind, it possible ,is happening in places all over the world, it is just not news.
Thank you to all you beautiful young and not so young woman, thank you Beth, for the honour of taking part and organising your blessingways.
This week we have also had some nice new things, new cooker hood, new blinds, new sheets.
And I feel renewed !
I baked cakes today,made soup, prepared a lovely salad! thought about my mosaic tile and my next rug.
ordered more Christmas gifts.Planed the next Artist's Way ( which many woman, yesterday had heard about and showed interest in)
Tonight John and I will go to Fact to see Rear Window,and Andrew is right. It is not in black and white, funny how your mind plays tricks on you.
I feel better pa, had a tough few days missing you, now I am doing ok, encouraged, miss you and love you always,but for now. I can live with that.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well
Saturday, 20 October 2012
Sisters
Hi pa,
Sandra and Jackie, just left, missing them ,but have to say we had a wonderful time together.
I took them to the five trees , we all said hello to you ,and they took some pictures of us all there at your tree.
We enjoyed being tourists in Liverpool and we went to the Phil pub and chatted about you and how much you loved that pub.
Cousin Hugh send me a DVD of some family film Uncle Hugh took when he came home from OZ most of it is the holiday you all took in the camper van! it was great to see us all in the Chekhov room in Seven Sisters Hope Street. We saw Grannie and grand-da too.It was very emotional to see you all again. Hugh or was it uncle Hugh, put really good music over the film and that made it emotional too.
We went to the hospital with John yesterday, that was hard ,going to the Linda McCartney wing and waiting for ages to see the doctor, who was really nice, but it is still hard .
Talking about all the things that are going on with John.
He looks and feels well ,which is a blessing!
I feel the need of a wee break,holiday, either me on my own or with some friends. Just to be looked after for a while and not be in the concerned mode all the time. A break away will refresh me ,and I will come back able to cope with everything again.
I asked P J and D to take John to London /Cambride maybe for a week every two or three months, they have been asking me how they could help and I could not think of anything , till John was away in Stockholm,and I realised how good it was to have the week to myself, seeing friends and catching up with sleep and resting.
They 100% said a big YES. I was so pleased that they understood my need for space occassionally.
I am enjoying Football for Dummies :-) learning the rules of football, really enjoyning it.
I would like to get myself a season ticket for Old Trafford. Maybe one day I will just go for it.
I think I have spent your money wisely pa. Mostly improving Castlenel and Ullet! Now I am going to put most of what is left into a two year account.I will not be able to touch it and it will gain interest.
I will be happy to revert back to living on our normal income, it is small, but adequate.
I am so un-used to spending large sums and it makes me feel quite nausious to be truthful pa.
Christmas will be on us in no time.I have to be very creative and not spend silly money. John has eleven on his side now, it is too much. I now buy for Sandra and Jackie, and I feel I have to spend a bit more on Philip as he is just the one...with Andrew we have Lucy too and even wee things for Wendy and Sophie.
I have already got one thing for each of my lot including Phil! and all the gifts for the grand-children.
I want to make my cards again this year, recycled from last years!
Tomorrow we are going to Philip's to make the Christmas cake, I will enjoy that.
We see much more of Andrew and Lucy which is wonderful, but I worry I do not visit Philip enough !Certainly don't go to Salford , he often come this way. I want to make more of an effort next year to travel to Salford. Maybe have a theater night, or even cinema as we do with A&L
I see there is a wine tasting in Manchester soon, which Philip is going to. We might go to that.
I hope this Christmas will be better than last, from an emotional point of view, I was just so so sad last year because you had not been gone long!
As I tyoe I look out at the trees across the road pa, the autumn is just beautiful.You would love it. Your tree is turing now , lovely.
Love and miss you ,my dear pa.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well!
Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me!
Sandra and Jackie, just left, missing them ,but have to say we had a wonderful time together.
I took them to the five trees , we all said hello to you ,and they took some pictures of us all there at your tree.
We enjoyed being tourists in Liverpool and we went to the Phil pub and chatted about you and how much you loved that pub.
Cousin Hugh send me a DVD of some family film Uncle Hugh took when he came home from OZ most of it is the holiday you all took in the camper van! it was great to see us all in the Chekhov room in Seven Sisters Hope Street. We saw Grannie and grand-da too.It was very emotional to see you all again. Hugh or was it uncle Hugh, put really good music over the film and that made it emotional too.
We went to the hospital with John yesterday, that was hard ,going to the Linda McCartney wing and waiting for ages to see the doctor, who was really nice, but it is still hard .
Talking about all the things that are going on with John.
He looks and feels well ,which is a blessing!
I feel the need of a wee break,holiday, either me on my own or with some friends. Just to be looked after for a while and not be in the concerned mode all the time. A break away will refresh me ,and I will come back able to cope with everything again.
I asked P J and D to take John to London /Cambride maybe for a week every two or three months, they have been asking me how they could help and I could not think of anything , till John was away in Stockholm,and I realised how good it was to have the week to myself, seeing friends and catching up with sleep and resting.
They 100% said a big YES. I was so pleased that they understood my need for space occassionally.
I am enjoying Football for Dummies :-) learning the rules of football, really enjoyning it.
I would like to get myself a season ticket for Old Trafford. Maybe one day I will just go for it.
I think I have spent your money wisely pa. Mostly improving Castlenel and Ullet! Now I am going to put most of what is left into a two year account.I will not be able to touch it and it will gain interest.
I will be happy to revert back to living on our normal income, it is small, but adequate.
I am so un-used to spending large sums and it makes me feel quite nausious to be truthful pa.
Christmas will be on us in no time.I have to be very creative and not spend silly money. John has eleven on his side now, it is too much. I now buy for Sandra and Jackie, and I feel I have to spend a bit more on Philip as he is just the one...with Andrew we have Lucy too and even wee things for Wendy and Sophie.
I have already got one thing for each of my lot including Phil! and all the gifts for the grand-children.
I want to make my cards again this year, recycled from last years!
Tomorrow we are going to Philip's to make the Christmas cake, I will enjoy that.
We see much more of Andrew and Lucy which is wonderful, but I worry I do not visit Philip enough !Certainly don't go to Salford , he often come this way. I want to make more of an effort next year to travel to Salford. Maybe have a theater night, or even cinema as we do with A&L
I see there is a wine tasting in Manchester soon, which Philip is going to. We might go to that.
I hope this Christmas will be better than last, from an emotional point of view, I was just so so sad last year because you had not been gone long!
As I tyoe I look out at the trees across the road pa, the autumn is just beautiful.You would love it. Your tree is turing now , lovely.
Love and miss you ,my dear pa.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well!
Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me!
Saturday, 6 October 2012
Made it through!
Hi blog,
pleased to say I got through yesterday dad's 1st anniversary.
The five of us were in touch and we all feel the same; can't believe that a year has gone past, and we all miss ma and pa and visiting Kintillo so much.
Gary invited the family over last night, well, Wendy did. t was so good that they we all together, and they gained comfort from each other.
Sandra was very sad and upset as I was , Jackie was struggling but was withdrawn. Gary and Matthew were in touch and said how they felt.
I was glad to hear from everyone .
I had a tough day ,totally forgot Jane and Becky the cleaners were coming, they nearly gave me a heart attack. I hardly slept the night before so was having a dressing gown morning. I was glad they came , i did cry over them and they gave me a hug, I got dressed and went for a walk to the five trees. hugged dad's tree and had a chat with him. It was a lovely morning and I felt better, came back in time to get ready for work before client came. It was great to come back to a lovely clean house.
After seeing M.... I went into M&S and swapped my cardigan for a pair of jeans.I enjoyed trying on lots of things that I had no intention of buying.
I went into the apple shop and looked at ipad's ,getting closer to buying one. But I will need to go with Andrew.
I watched a movie and had an early night feeling totally shattered.
Glad to have got to the end of this week!
I had some highlights, it was not all doom and gloom.
Saw all the friends that I could, and had a particularly lovely lunch with Patsy at Delifonseca.We spent three hours chatting and eating lovely food, I loved the Deli too.
I went on to see Untouchable....wonderful.
Anita and Patsy have both had sad losses in the last weeks, we talked about how you find you resillience and keep the will to live once you have been through all this, especially as you are older and do not have the resilliance of youth
I am still reflecting on all this, I guess my children give me hope, new babies give me hope, Ellie is having a daughter in February, lucky her. Would have loved a daughter. What a great privelage to bring up a little girl and guide her towards womanhood.
It was the daughters to took care of mum and dad in the end too.
I suppose I fear the future at times. I will be there for John inshalla, who will be there for me?
Everything is as it should be,
nothing is as it seems.
Trust the universe!
All shall be well ,
and all shall be well ,
and all manner of things shall be well......and so it is.
Still miss you pa....will the great sorrow ever end? inshalla!
pleased to say I got through yesterday dad's 1st anniversary.
The five of us were in touch and we all feel the same; can't believe that a year has gone past, and we all miss ma and pa and visiting Kintillo so much.
Gary invited the family over last night, well, Wendy did. t was so good that they we all together, and they gained comfort from each other.
Sandra was very sad and upset as I was , Jackie was struggling but was withdrawn. Gary and Matthew were in touch and said how they felt.
I was glad to hear from everyone .
I had a tough day ,totally forgot Jane and Becky the cleaners were coming, they nearly gave me a heart attack. I hardly slept the night before so was having a dressing gown morning. I was glad they came , i did cry over them and they gave me a hug, I got dressed and went for a walk to the five trees. hugged dad's tree and had a chat with him. It was a lovely morning and I felt better, came back in time to get ready for work before client came. It was great to come back to a lovely clean house.
After seeing M.... I went into M&S and swapped my cardigan for a pair of jeans.I enjoyed trying on lots of things that I had no intention of buying.
I went into the apple shop and looked at ipad's ,getting closer to buying one. But I will need to go with Andrew.
I watched a movie and had an early night feeling totally shattered.
Glad to have got to the end of this week!
I had some highlights, it was not all doom and gloom.
Saw all the friends that I could, and had a particularly lovely lunch with Patsy at Delifonseca.We spent three hours chatting and eating lovely food, I loved the Deli too.
I went on to see Untouchable....wonderful.
Anita and Patsy have both had sad losses in the last weeks, we talked about how you find you resillience and keep the will to live once you have been through all this, especially as you are older and do not have the resilliance of youth
I am still reflecting on all this, I guess my children give me hope, new babies give me hope, Ellie is having a daughter in February, lucky her. Would have loved a daughter. What a great privelage to bring up a little girl and guide her towards womanhood.
It was the daughters to took care of mum and dad in the end too.
I suppose I fear the future at times. I will be there for John inshalla, who will be there for me?
Everything is as it should be,
nothing is as it seems.
Trust the universe!
All shall be well ,
and all shall be well ,
and all manner of things shall be well......and so it is.
Still miss you pa....will the great sorrow ever end? inshalla!
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Alone time/ time with friends!
John is away in London/Stockholm this week. I have been so looking forward to time alone in the house,in my life, time to have some unstructured days, eating what and when I like. Seeing friends watching favourite movies, Helen time. I guess.
I have been very productive in the house, sorted the bedroom as best I can without more new furniture, which I can't face getting just yet! Michelle's man with a van came and took away my old duvets , quilts,sheets, clothes , and the old unit from the hall. I have donated our dresser from the bedroom to the hall and it look so much nicer.
I have done some banking things too.
AND I am so close to finishing Andrew/s rug.Promised John I would have it done by the time he gets home.
I had tea with Beth and she has given me a book about Blessingsways. I am organising hers.I know them as baby showers ,this is a bit similar but with a focus on the Mother.
All new to me but very happy to be asked, especially as I do not have a daughter to help with hers.
Spent the afternoon at Kasbah with Sue and Margaret yesterday.It was fab ,as always.
I felt cared for!
Today coffee at Moon and Pea with Anita and a long walk in the park first.
Tomorrow Delifonseca with Patsy :-)
My IBS returned, I know it is connected with too much stress and of course dad's anniversary on Friday,
Pa, been reliving last year at this time. Too sad. Auntie Isa said that you knew you would not be forgotten and that you are/were loved, and that you would want me to move on.
I know what she means ;and I can't just move on. You would like that, I think about you, and talk about you and remember you ,because you did that for you pa.
I do know you would not want me to be miserable. I am not miserable I grieve for you! that is not the same, that is a natural healing process.
I have been imagining this week ,sometimes when I have courage,that I am on my own,this is it, this is how my life is. Living on my own. It is ok ...sometimes...sad...sometimes I can do this....but it is not real.John is coming home...I am not sure that you can prepare yourself for loss. It is good to face the reality of it though.
Courage Camellion!
Al shalll be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well!
Peace to the north
peace to the south
peace to the east
peace to the west.
peace be without,peace be within.
peace,peace, peace.
I have been very productive in the house, sorted the bedroom as best I can without more new furniture, which I can't face getting just yet! Michelle's man with a van came and took away my old duvets , quilts,sheets, clothes , and the old unit from the hall. I have donated our dresser from the bedroom to the hall and it look so much nicer.
I have done some banking things too.
AND I am so close to finishing Andrew/s rug.Promised John I would have it done by the time he gets home.
I had tea with Beth and she has given me a book about Blessingsways. I am organising hers.I know them as baby showers ,this is a bit similar but with a focus on the Mother.
All new to me but very happy to be asked, especially as I do not have a daughter to help with hers.
Spent the afternoon at Kasbah with Sue and Margaret yesterday.It was fab ,as always.
I felt cared for!
Today coffee at Moon and Pea with Anita and a long walk in the park first.
Tomorrow Delifonseca with Patsy :-)
My IBS returned, I know it is connected with too much stress and of course dad's anniversary on Friday,
Pa, been reliving last year at this time. Too sad. Auntie Isa said that you knew you would not be forgotten and that you are/were loved, and that you would want me to move on.
I know what she means ;and I can't just move on. You would like that, I think about you, and talk about you and remember you ,because you did that for you pa.
I do know you would not want me to be miserable. I am not miserable I grieve for you! that is not the same, that is a natural healing process.
I have been imagining this week ,sometimes when I have courage,that I am on my own,this is it, this is how my life is. Living on my own. It is ok ...sometimes...sad...sometimes I can do this....but it is not real.John is coming home...I am not sure that you can prepare yourself for loss. It is good to face the reality of it though.
Courage Camellion!
Al shalll be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well!
Peace to the north
peace to the south
peace to the east
peace to the west.
peace be without,peace be within.
peace,peace, peace.
Monday, 1 October 2012
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