life and death, mostly death!

What a sad few days Pa.

I have shed a good few tears for you. I have been reliving last year at this time ,when you were still here on earth with us. I was getting ready to come visit you and be with you on my birthday.

I can not stand that I will never see you again, still trying to figure out how I can make it happen, bargain with a god I don't believe in.  My crazy side I know pa.


I am glad that you shared with me your sadness about your "auld man" I know you will understand my disbelief.

John's nephew died the other day, he was only 48 , had been an alcoholic for years,so this is hardly a surprise. Still very sad for all his siblings though.

Between you and I pa, I am fed up with all the other folk dying , it makes me feel your are getting pushed out of my heart, or that I should care more than I do about anonymous nephews and second cousins.

I am all out of compassion right now,I just want to tell everyone to SHUT UP and leave me in peace to think about you. I saw your tree the other day ,there was no one around so I hugged it.I felt I was hugging you dad. If only.

John is off to Sweden with his boy and will be away on your anniversary.

One thing I miss about Ireland is that they have rituals for the first month after a death ,they call it the months mind, and they have a church service on the anniversary every year.

I would like this to happen for your anniversary to be marked.

John will be away,and I thought about going to Glasgow , but H is being an "arse " as Sandra says.
I could go to the others but they are all so far away from Kintillo and our stomping ground.

I thought of going back to Castlenel to have some peace and quite.

I will likely stay here and  have some quality time with myself.

Birthdays coming up and to be truthful pa I can't be bothered,not with my own or anyone else's.

The last day I saw you was 26th September last year. You got out of hospital and you were so happy. I am glad to remember that day pa,rather than the night before on my birthday,that was harrowing.

You knew it was possibly the last time, but I was in denial,how , will never know ,the lounge was filled with oxygen and looked more like a hospital. Still I thought I would see you on October 7th. You looked so good back in your own space.

So many folk have moved on pa,so many other things happening to overshadow your life and death,in the last year. Not for me though. You are in my heart you are in my soul ..................


Looking forward to the light,

for now I feel sad and dark.


A time to be born a time to die,

a time to laugh a time to cry............................

Love and miss you pa x