Since the clocks went forward last weekend, I have felt very tired.
I have finished the evening classes,the Saturday workshops,and my trips to Chester.
Just have to get to Friday to finish work altogether. Clients and Chester till mid-May and classes until autumn.
I have pushed myself to do all I had to do at work since dad's death on October 5th.
We all have. So we are just about at the six month marker of dad's death.
I had a very clear imagine the other day...a rowing boat was tied up on a river by a low stone wall.
The rowing boat was painted very bright colours.Red and Blue. I saw the boat's chain link attachment to the wall... fall away.
The boat did not go anywhere,but it was not tied up anymore.It sat quietly by the wall.The river leads to the sea , now there are possibilities for the bright little rowing boat.
I feel the image was letting me know I had let something go , and there are possibilities soon,but not yet.
So this is the image, six months after the death of my dearly beloved pa.
I feel reassurred.
All shall be well ,
and all shall be well ,
and all manner of things shall be well.
Dame Julianne of Norwich.
" everything will turn out well in the end......if it has not turned out well.......then it is not the end."
quote from Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Friday, 23 March 2012
New start.
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
The Collins Clan no longer have anything to do with 36 Kintillo Drive.
Matthew drove past this morning,he saw a teddy bear in the window.
A new family start their life in Kintillo Drive; the wheel of life goes round.
May they be as happy as we were ,blessings and good luck.
The Collins Clan no longer have anything to do with 36 Kintillo Drive.
Matthew drove past this morning,he saw a teddy bear in the window.
A new family start their life in Kintillo Drive; the wheel of life goes round.
May they be as happy as we were ,blessings and good luck.
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Daniel Collins.
I took John to the five trees today to see where I have put dad's ashes. He was quite touched.
It looks beautiful the daffodils are out ,as is the forsythia and some of the trees are showing signs of life. Dad would love that spot.
Sandra is so so tired and has been to get a tonic and got good advice from the chemist. She has finished Jury duty,was never called.
The new people move in on 22ND inshalla,and we still do not have the confirmation for mum's estate.
We are sailing pretty close to the wind,but Marie Scanlon the lawyer seems confident that it will all happen in good time.We are in her hands. No wonder Sandra's hair is falling out and her nails are splitting.Just want to get her to Castlenel and let her rest relax ,eat well and drink some nice wine.
When went to New Cumnock to scatter dad's ashes we remembered Baby Daniel Collins, dad's younger brother who died at birth.We decided we wanted to put a plaque at the cemetery .
I mentioned it to Sandra today and she has asked me to look into everything. I am honoured to do this.Already John has found the birth and death certificate in Scotland's people.he is so good on that site as he has done so much research before.
Daniel was born prematurely on January 24th 1936 and Died January 26th 1936. in those days my grandparents lived at 58 Connel Park New Cumnock Ayrshire..
I was touched by the date ,both dates surround Burn's night.
How must my grannie and grand-da have felt,the joy of the birth followed so quickly by the death of their fourth child. I am relieved to see the birth and death were registered.
I will contact the graveyard and find out if we can do something to hounour Daniel .We will all feel better that it is done.
We want to do the right thing .
Sad times for John's family. Maureen is very ill.Waiting for tests and an operation.
I feel for them all and I feel sad for myself too I really like Maureen, and have always got on so well with her,and Mike.The last time I saw Maureen was the morning after David and Lara's wedding she gave me a big hug and said " I love you Helen" we were lucky to feel happy with each other,think it is the Glasgow acccent. Wee Mo ,that's what her children called her ( sometimes) I think she likes it.
She sent me cards and emails when dad was ill and when he died.She is very religious but not overwhelming,she was always praying for Dad and all the family. I hope many people are praying for her now. I do in my own way. If love and caring helps ,she will do well.
"In the end all that really matters is that we loved." the older I become the wiser this is for me.
It looks beautiful the daffodils are out ,as is the forsythia and some of the trees are showing signs of life. Dad would love that spot.
Sandra is so so tired and has been to get a tonic and got good advice from the chemist. She has finished Jury duty,was never called.
The new people move in on 22ND inshalla,and we still do not have the confirmation for mum's estate.
We are sailing pretty close to the wind,but Marie Scanlon the lawyer seems confident that it will all happen in good time.We are in her hands. No wonder Sandra's hair is falling out and her nails are splitting.Just want to get her to Castlenel and let her rest relax ,eat well and drink some nice wine.
When went to New Cumnock to scatter dad's ashes we remembered Baby Daniel Collins, dad's younger brother who died at birth.We decided we wanted to put a plaque at the cemetery .
I mentioned it to Sandra today and she has asked me to look into everything. I am honoured to do this.Already John has found the birth and death certificate in Scotland's people.he is so good on that site as he has done so much research before.
Daniel was born prematurely on January 24th 1936 and Died January 26th 1936. in those days my grandparents lived at 58 Connel Park New Cumnock Ayrshire..
I was touched by the date ,both dates surround Burn's night.
How must my grannie and grand-da have felt,the joy of the birth followed so quickly by the death of their fourth child. I am relieved to see the birth and death were registered.
I will contact the graveyard and find out if we can do something to hounour Daniel .We will all feel better that it is done.
We want to do the right thing .
Sad times for John's family. Maureen is very ill.Waiting for tests and an operation.
I feel for them all and I feel sad for myself too I really like Maureen, and have always got on so well with her,and Mike.The last time I saw Maureen was the morning after David and Lara's wedding she gave me a big hug and said " I love you Helen" we were lucky to feel happy with each other,think it is the Glasgow acccent. Wee Mo ,that's what her children called her ( sometimes) I think she likes it.
She sent me cards and emails when dad was ill and when he died.She is very religious but not overwhelming,she was always praying for Dad and all the family. I hope many people are praying for her now. I do in my own way. If love and caring helps ,she will do well.
"In the end all that really matters is that we loved." the older I become the wiser this is for me.
Monday, 12 March 2012
Old Trafford and time with the boys.
Can't believe how tired I feel. I know grief can be exhausting but this is something else.
I have had so much rest and sleep but I waken up as tired as I went to bed.
I have enjoyed my time alone in Liverpool while John enjoys London.
I went to the five trees, and dad's tree is surrounded by beautiful daffodils,it made me weep.
I tried talking to dad which usually helps calm me,but this time I felt sad on my whole walk round the park. I think I am in a state of apathy.
I feel great concern for Sandra ,she is as tired as I am ,if not more ,and she works full time with small children and has all this legal stuff to deal with. More problems came up on Friday and S&M have been busy coping with them.
I almost jumped on the train to Glasgow but firstly what can I do and secondly I do not have a place to stay anymore, not like Kintillo, where I arrived and took over the running of things and looked after Pa.
Now I have to be a visitor in one of the siblings house.More things to adapt to. I know I must and I know I will but now I want to hide under the duvet.
I went to the Match with Andrew and I am so glad I did it was precious time with him,and we had tea with Philip too, just the three of us for a little while. Always good for me.
The game was very exciting and when I got home I just wanted to text dad and tell him about it,he was always interested in everything I did. Only parents remain interested in you for decades and decades. I miss that.
Happily I continue to be very interested in my family,their jobs their interests,their ups and downs. Life is a bit of a struggle right now. I feel better realising it could to the apathy stage of grief.This too shall pass.
I have had so much rest and sleep but I waken up as tired as I went to bed.
I have enjoyed my time alone in Liverpool while John enjoys London.
I went to the five trees, and dad's tree is surrounded by beautiful daffodils,it made me weep.
I tried talking to dad which usually helps calm me,but this time I felt sad on my whole walk round the park. I think I am in a state of apathy.
I feel great concern for Sandra ,she is as tired as I am ,if not more ,and she works full time with small children and has all this legal stuff to deal with. More problems came up on Friday and S&M have been busy coping with them.
I almost jumped on the train to Glasgow but firstly what can I do and secondly I do not have a place to stay anymore, not like Kintillo, where I arrived and took over the running of things and looked after Pa.
Now I have to be a visitor in one of the siblings house.More things to adapt to. I know I must and I know I will but now I want to hide under the duvet.
I went to the Match with Andrew and I am so glad I did it was precious time with him,and we had tea with Philip too, just the three of us for a little while. Always good for me.
The game was very exciting and when I got home I just wanted to text dad and tell him about it,he was always interested in everything I did. Only parents remain interested in you for decades and decades. I miss that.
Happily I continue to be very interested in my family,their jobs their interests,their ups and downs. Life is a bit of a struggle right now. I feel better realising it could to the apathy stage of grief.This too shall pass.
Friday, 9 March 2012
Thursday, 8 March 2012
Rest from emotions.
John is going to London this weekend. I am looking forward to having some time to myself.
I have been so tired since I came back from Glasgow.
Been busy at work .
I gave my Artist's Way group a surprise this week.Su Grainger came along to lead them in singing for an hour.
It was amazing to see the progress in just one hour.I checked out with each member how they felt once Su had introduced her self and said why she as here. Every person used words like anxious,fear,wanting to run.
After one hour with Su,the words changed to ,high,happy excited. Two people signed up for Su's choir. I felt so happy for everyone especially K who always wanted to do this but could not find the courage.
I feel happy as we come to the end of the course that I have found a challenge for each person and in the safe atmosphere here at the toolbox people have found the courage to rise to the challenges.
I met a new client in Chester she was amazing,78 years old, and although she has so much to deal with, she is an inspiration too.
Wednesday was a really hard day; because I stopped: I think.
All the tiredness and feelings caught up with me. I was going to do so many nice things,but in the end inbetween tears and sadness I slept.
Thankfully I slept that night too well and wakened up feeling remarkable calm.
I am working well, but I know very well I need the break in Spain.
I am loving MASH it is so funny and cheerful. I am also enjoying Masterchef and as always by now they are all great chefs, and although I would love Andrew and Tom to win because I have a soft spot for them.There is no question that Sheelina is the winner,she is a star ,lovely looking and a lovely sunny nature and rises to all the challenges with amazing grace and true grit.
It is good to feel peaceful and happy.
I have been so tired since I came back from Glasgow.
Been busy at work .
I gave my Artist's Way group a surprise this week.Su Grainger came along to lead them in singing for an hour.
It was amazing to see the progress in just one hour.I checked out with each member how they felt once Su had introduced her self and said why she as here. Every person used words like anxious,fear,wanting to run.
After one hour with Su,the words changed to ,high,happy excited. Two people signed up for Su's choir. I felt so happy for everyone especially K who always wanted to do this but could not find the courage.
I feel happy as we come to the end of the course that I have found a challenge for each person and in the safe atmosphere here at the toolbox people have found the courage to rise to the challenges.
I met a new client in Chester she was amazing,78 years old, and although she has so much to deal with, she is an inspiration too.
Wednesday was a really hard day; because I stopped: I think.
All the tiredness and feelings caught up with me. I was going to do so many nice things,but in the end inbetween tears and sadness I slept.
Thankfully I slept that night too well and wakened up feeling remarkable calm.
I am working well, but I know very well I need the break in Spain.
I am loving MASH it is so funny and cheerful. I am also enjoying Masterchef and as always by now they are all great chefs, and although I would love Andrew and Tom to win because I have a soft spot for them.There is no question that Sheelina is the winner,she is a star ,lovely looking and a lovely sunny nature and rises to all the challenges with amazing grace and true grit.
It is good to feel peaceful and happy.
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Farewell to Kintillo
My heart is sore (" sair" as grand-da would say) I can hardly bear the sadness I feel. I left dad's house for the last time on Saturday March 3rd 2012. 45 years and two months after we moved in. And almost exactly 2 years since mum fell down the stairs and the decline started.
I travelled to Glasgow on Friday 2nd. Jackie met me at Glasgow Central,we went to pick up some wine for S&H then she drove us to Bill and Irene's house. Irene made us tea then Bill came in. We chatted for a while then we all went into the garden and we saw the fence Bill had put up ( for dad) it looks great the new people are very fortunate,he has even put a gate in the fence like the one on the fence at his side of the garden,so that the window cleaner does not have to jump over it.
Then he discreetly opened the back door and left us to it.I started to cry as soon I went into the hall.It is so empty, no coats no hall table no pictures. In the lounge Dad's chair is gone.Jackie and I hold on to each other and cry.We walk round the house we both have a sense of loss and emptiness.
That done we got our heads together and tried to see just what had to be done the following morning. Jackie then took me to Sandra's where Harry opened the door to us. He went off to the pub,and we had a cuppa and some much needed chocolate with Sandra.
Later David arrived had a shower and then we all joined Harry in the Three Craws. As we were having our first glass of wine Julie and Raph arrived.We had nice pub food more wine. I loved just watching and listening the the children all catching up with each other.They seem very close and loving with each other, using humour to show it of course nothing schmalchy.When we got back Scott came in and we had more hugs and more merry banter. Sandra and I left them to it and we went off to bed early. I loved my bedroom at the top of the house.
My alarm went off at 6.45 but I had not slept much,neither had Sandra.We had a cuppa and waited for Jackie who collected us at 8.00 AM. I jumped out at the paper shop and go got rolls and eggs . Matthew and young Matthew were already there with the van. More hugs and kisses and a few jokes from Matthew then we all got stuck in .Bringing the beds downstairs and all the black bags filled with bedding ,all going to the dump.Then the shed and green house were cleared out, by S&M. Jackie and I tackled the kitchen cupboards. Such a terrible thing dividing M&D's things into piles for the dump and things for the charity shop.
Young Matthew left for work ,he did very well to be there so early on a Saturday morning.
I made tea and we had our last cuppa in the garden.Matthew took the first lot to the dump,when he came back we had a last push to fill the van then I made the fried egg rolls,everyone agreed they were the best ever. I think it was just the moment.We chatted about dad's regular fry-ups on Saturday lunch times when he came in from work with all the makings.
Matthew had a last check under the stairs and lifted a hatch we had not noticed,and shock horror it was full of junk- more stacking of the van.Then Sandra and Matthew took the last stuff to the dump and Jackie and I took all the glasses crockery and brick a brack to the charity shop.
I simply could not put Dad's "Gorgeous Grandad mug on the sack,just cried all the time. I finally called Sandra and she did it,we quickly tied up the bag and it was taken away.Different things touched each one of us,so we all helped each other out when we saw the other struggling.That mug did it to me every time. I always gave him his cup of coffee in it,and since he died I had my tea out of it. I did not want to prolong the agony by bringing it home.
David and Harry called in on the way to the airport, I was touched by David he came to say goodbye to his papa's home. He was close to dad.I could see he was feeling it. We left him to have his last walk round the house.
When we came back from dump and charity shop we had a last sweep up of house and garden,and a final walk round the house,on the landing up stairs we had a long chat and shared memories,Jackie broke down at that point,thinking about her wedding with no parents supporting her,then Sandra started then me ,all the sisters crying and hugging.
Then through the sobs came Matthew's voice "it could be worse" we all burst our laughing and we laughed and laughed so hard. And it was so funny to see Matthew laughing back as us all ,basking in the joy of the moment that he got us laughing.I saw him again as a child,wearing his cowboy outfit and great hat, entertaining the family and loving it.
. So we moved on downstairs ,last look out of the stair window. Group hug in the hall , all agreeing we would not be here if it was not for " them" our parents,our mum and dad.
We hoped they could see us, and would be proud of us all. We locked the front door then Sandra suggested we get Irene to take a picture of us all,which she did.
They were around in the back ground all morning discreetly,offering tea, bin bags, anything thing we might need.
The four of us went to the Broomhill cafe that the family often uses. We all chatted about normal things for a while and wondered when the caravan would be sold.
Matthew and Sandra will review the situation at the end of April if the van is not sold, and decide whether to share out the money we already have at the point . I think the caravan will go soon it is the right time of year.
More hugs in the car park.Then Sandra Jackie and I went back to Sandra's to have a wash get changed. Jackie was going into town to meet Rebekka and Steph and to buy wedding shoes.Sandra and I decided to go too,although we were totally shattered physically and emotionally
. Jackie showed us some wedding invitations she was trying to decide between which was nice.
We went to John Lewis,met the girls had more coffee, saw young Matthew again,and looked at shoes. I think they all found what they wanted and will order later on line,as the girls are having their shoes died.a whole new world!
We said farewell,and Sandra and I came home on the train.we had a cuppa then went to bed for a few hours. I dosed but did not sleep neither did Sandra.I came down at 7.00 in time for the wine being opened.Harry made a great Mushroom Risotto and we watched Masterchef and something else with Trevor Eve as a negotiator.
Then bed for Sandra and I ,where I slept for about 14 hours.Felt much better on Sunday morning. Sandra slept well too.Sandra brought me tea in bed.We had porriage and fruit, got dressed said goodbye to Harry and we went into town .Sandra was looking for a jacket,then we went to Central Hotel for tea and scones,then she saw me to the train,few more tears,hugs goodbyes. I headed back to Liverpool, changed at Wigan where I had to get a bus which took us on an impossible route,but it was ok I just gazed into space and tried to process the events of the weekend.
John was waiting for me, welcoming as ever with nice food and we watched Upstairs Downstairs.
Dad dad dad,love you miss you ,just want to give you one more hug, but it would not help because I would want one more.Have to get used to you not being here anymore,and the house and the caravan and everything! I hope I have your strength and courage pa X
I travelled to Glasgow on Friday 2nd. Jackie met me at Glasgow Central,we went to pick up some wine for S&H then she drove us to Bill and Irene's house. Irene made us tea then Bill came in. We chatted for a while then we all went into the garden and we saw the fence Bill had put up ( for dad) it looks great the new people are very fortunate,he has even put a gate in the fence like the one on the fence at his side of the garden,so that the window cleaner does not have to jump over it.
Then he discreetly opened the back door and left us to it.I started to cry as soon I went into the hall.It is so empty, no coats no hall table no pictures. In the lounge Dad's chair is gone.Jackie and I hold on to each other and cry.We walk round the house we both have a sense of loss and emptiness.
That done we got our heads together and tried to see just what had to be done the following morning. Jackie then took me to Sandra's where Harry opened the door to us. He went off to the pub,and we had a cuppa and some much needed chocolate with Sandra.
Later David arrived had a shower and then we all joined Harry in the Three Craws. As we were having our first glass of wine Julie and Raph arrived.We had nice pub food more wine. I loved just watching and listening the the children all catching up with each other.They seem very close and loving with each other, using humour to show it of course nothing schmalchy.When we got back Scott came in and we had more hugs and more merry banter. Sandra and I left them to it and we went off to bed early. I loved my bedroom at the top of the house.
My alarm went off at 6.45 but I had not slept much,neither had Sandra.We had a cuppa and waited for Jackie who collected us at 8.00 AM. I jumped out at the paper shop and go got rolls and eggs . Matthew and young Matthew were already there with the van. More hugs and kisses and a few jokes from Matthew then we all got stuck in .Bringing the beds downstairs and all the black bags filled with bedding ,all going to the dump.Then the shed and green house were cleared out, by S&M. Jackie and I tackled the kitchen cupboards. Such a terrible thing dividing M&D's things into piles for the dump and things for the charity shop.
Young Matthew left for work ,he did very well to be there so early on a Saturday morning.
I made tea and we had our last cuppa in the garden.Matthew took the first lot to the dump,when he came back we had a last push to fill the van then I made the fried egg rolls,everyone agreed they were the best ever. I think it was just the moment.We chatted about dad's regular fry-ups on Saturday lunch times when he came in from work with all the makings.
Matthew had a last check under the stairs and lifted a hatch we had not noticed,and shock horror it was full of junk- more stacking of the van.Then Sandra and Matthew took the last stuff to the dump and Jackie and I took all the glasses crockery and brick a brack to the charity shop.
I simply could not put Dad's "Gorgeous Grandad mug on the sack,just cried all the time. I finally called Sandra and she did it,we quickly tied up the bag and it was taken away.Different things touched each one of us,so we all helped each other out when we saw the other struggling.That mug did it to me every time. I always gave him his cup of coffee in it,and since he died I had my tea out of it. I did not want to prolong the agony by bringing it home.
David and Harry called in on the way to the airport, I was touched by David he came to say goodbye to his papa's home. He was close to dad.I could see he was feeling it. We left him to have his last walk round the house.
When we came back from dump and charity shop we had a last sweep up of house and garden,and a final walk round the house,on the landing up stairs we had a long chat and shared memories,Jackie broke down at that point,thinking about her wedding with no parents supporting her,then Sandra started then me ,all the sisters crying and hugging.
Then through the sobs came Matthew's voice "it could be worse" we all burst our laughing and we laughed and laughed so hard. And it was so funny to see Matthew laughing back as us all ,basking in the joy of the moment that he got us laughing.I saw him again as a child,wearing his cowboy outfit and great hat, entertaining the family and loving it.
. So we moved on downstairs ,last look out of the stair window. Group hug in the hall , all agreeing we would not be here if it was not for " them" our parents,our mum and dad.
We hoped they could see us, and would be proud of us all. We locked the front door then Sandra suggested we get Irene to take a picture of us all,which she did.
They were around in the back ground all morning discreetly,offering tea, bin bags, anything thing we might need.
The four of us went to the Broomhill cafe that the family often uses. We all chatted about normal things for a while and wondered when the caravan would be sold.
Matthew and Sandra will review the situation at the end of April if the van is not sold, and decide whether to share out the money we already have at the point . I think the caravan will go soon it is the right time of year.
More hugs in the car park.Then Sandra Jackie and I went back to Sandra's to have a wash get changed. Jackie was going into town to meet Rebekka and Steph and to buy wedding shoes.Sandra and I decided to go too,although we were totally shattered physically and emotionally
. Jackie showed us some wedding invitations she was trying to decide between which was nice.
We went to John Lewis,met the girls had more coffee, saw young Matthew again,and looked at shoes. I think they all found what they wanted and will order later on line,as the girls are having their shoes died.a whole new world!
We said farewell,and Sandra and I came home on the train.we had a cuppa then went to bed for a few hours. I dosed but did not sleep neither did Sandra.I came down at 7.00 in time for the wine being opened.Harry made a great Mushroom Risotto and we watched Masterchef and something else with Trevor Eve as a negotiator.
Then bed for Sandra and I ,where I slept for about 14 hours.Felt much better on Sunday morning. Sandra slept well too.Sandra brought me tea in bed.We had porriage and fruit, got dressed said goodbye to Harry and we went into town .Sandra was looking for a jacket,then we went to Central Hotel for tea and scones,then she saw me to the train,few more tears,hugs goodbyes. I headed back to Liverpool, changed at Wigan where I had to get a bus which took us on an impossible route,but it was ok I just gazed into space and tried to process the events of the weekend.
John was waiting for me, welcoming as ever with nice food and we watched Upstairs Downstairs.
Dad dad dad,love you miss you ,just want to give you one more hug, but it would not help because I would want one more.Have to get used to you not being here anymore,and the house and the caravan and everything! I hope I have your strength and courage pa X
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