Last day of January

A lot has happened in Glasgow since we left.Dad's car has been sold! the caravan will be sold very soon,Sandra and Jackie went to Inveraray at the weekend,the storm damage has been fixed and the van looks well.We think Jim has a buyer but he has not said he has, he has offered us the price dad wanted :-) dad hope you know,you will be a happy camper.
Kintillo or 36K as dad referred to it,will be on the market on Monday if Sandra has her way,and she will :-).
Dad you amazed us all at the legacy you have left for us.You worked hard and saved hard and did not waste your money and we have all benefited.So proud of you,hope you could see our faces when we heard from Sandra how much you had saved- priceless.
You always said,"it's all for you lot, hen" Thank you x
Dad your window has been delivered to Castlenel and with luck Big Phil ( your name for him) and Frank are fitting it to-day.A friend of Lucy's is going to make a plaque for the window,don't know what it will be yet but will keep you posted.
Am I going crackers talking to you like this? frankly I don't care it makes me feel close to you.
I am thinking of using your initials and having maybe a loch and mountains in there somewhere.
I scattered the last of you ashes at the five trees in Sefton Park ,it was a beautiful sunny day , you are under a shadey tree with spring daffodils coming up and you can see the folk having tea in the boathouse cafe: and the swans, geese, ducks and waterhens. I always texted you from that area and now I will always feel close to you.X
I have seen a few clients since I came home,officially I don't start till tomorrow.
My new course starts on Monday and I am back in Chester on Tuesday.
Had a lovely evening with Andrew and Lucy last Friday food wine catch up always a joyful time for me /us.Philip is coming this weekend,he says he will cook :-)
We found a "man with a van" he came today and took away all the rubbish from the sheds outside and the big TV and the black wheelie bin filled with rubble.He then did a couple of hours cleaning up the garden rubbish and wet leaves.
He is a star.At our ags we need a fit young man we can call on to do odd jobs.

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year Liverpool 2012

Back in Liverpool and it feels good. Little apartment survived the month without us.Thank goodness for Maureen and Bob who came in to keep the place nice.
We saw Julie and Raph's lovley top flat apartment on Sunday we had tea there and it was lovely.I think they are good together. We went to see The Artist at the Grosvenor, again, and this time went upstairs to have coffee,it was amazing the old ceiling is still there and the cimena screen too.Just as it was 50 odd years ago when we used to go on a regular basis.I was an usherette there one night when I was a teenager. I stood in for a friend.At the interval I got to put on the goodie tray and sell icecream tubs and ice lollies.It was fun.Wish I could remember what the film was,I was allowed to stand at the back and watch it.
Jackie and Rebekks called in the day before we left and we caught up on wedding plans.Geoff got the job in Birmingham but don't know if he took it.
had a drink with Sandra Julie and Raph on Monday night at Three Craws,John has finally been there.We came back to Kintillo and had a quick drink with Bill before supper.He was very upset and once again told us the story of dad's last week.Very moving.
I rere gave us a lift into Central and we got the train to Wigan,it was snowy and frosty at Shap it looks beautiful,and very wintery.
We had so much luggage to bring that we got a taxi from Wigan.It was worth every penny as it was a wet dreich evening.
Today has been beautiful,blue skies and sunshine. I took lots of stuff to Barnardos and the dry cleaners and John did some shopping at Asda.
We brought a little flat screen tv of dad's back with us.It is cool,but needs Andrew of Philip to fix the picture as it does not fill the screen.
I am feeling quite cheerful and optimistic to-day.How strange our feelings are.
It stays lighter longer here and that is a good thing for my mood.
Marie is in hospital today ,or she was supposed to be going in,and I have not heard how she is ,or if the operation went ahead. I lit a nice big candle for her this morning it is still burning nicely. Sending lots of love and healing thought her way.
Burn's night tonight.45 years ago to day we moved into 36 Kintillo Drive.We were all so young and full of hope for the future. I am older now and still full of hope for the future ! I hope I am.
Dad, you will be glad to see I am much happier today :-)love you xxx

Last night at Kintillo!

Tonight I feel pain,I said better that apathay ,well?.

said "bye" tonight to Sandra at three craws, very difficult for both of us.

leaving this home,dad's much loved home,mum's home where they raised five of us,the grandchildren too. Putting da's fleece back on his chair,putting "things" away,to perhaps go to a charity shop? their lives hopes dreams,precious things,we don't want,we took what we could but ,some things have to go...too too sad.PAINFUL.
Lot of crying tonight!
I love and miss you my beloved pa X

Apathy

Saturday 20 th January has been a bad day. I feel sad restless and I have had an upset tummy too.I can't get interested in anything and the hours seem like days.
Listless, apathy, lack interest are all part of grieving.Two days of this is hard
Feeling ,is better than this odd nothingness.

Only two days but feels much longer.

Thursday we went to Robert's for supper and it was a treat,to see hime,to enjoy a meal with him and to walk into a wonderful old Glasgow tenement. John and I were both flooded with memories of our childhood in the tenements.It was such a good feeling.
I could live in that place,easily.

We are going back to Liverpool soon and I wonder if leaving here soon is upseting me more than I know. I feel close to dad here and i am close to all the family too.

Yet I know in my head I love Liverpool,yet I can't get any enthusiasm for going back.To be fair. I can't get any enthusiam for anything much right now.
All shall be well
and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well.

snow ,sleet, cold and rain.Glasgow 19/1/12

Looking back on this week it has been very mixed ,in many ways ,especially emotionally.
We had three evenings out in a row.
Thursday we had an Indian meal cooked by Bill ,at Irene and Bill's, dad's next door neighbours. it was delicious and we really enjoyed their company and getting to know them better! and hearing them talking about dad.

Friday we went to Las Ramblas in Bearsden with Qwynneth and Jenny,our treat ,to thank them for all the evenings they have organised when we have been in Glasgow.
We had time to eat drink wine and have a good long talk about Scottish history, Scottish politics and other interesting things.I would like to see more of them it was good.
Saturday our nephews Matthew and Greg collected us from dad's .drove to their house in Bearsden for a wonderful family night. We had great chat, great Chinese food and
good company.I am left with an overall feeling of warmth when I look back over those three evenings.
On Sunday we planned to visit Glasgow Cathedral in the afternoon . About ten minutes before we were leaving for the train, Gary sent me a text to say he was coming over,to clear the loft. We decided to say on to see him. I am so glad I did.We thought there was nothing in the loft except the Christmas tree,but there was lots of empty boxes,cases,bags,bedding from the Caravan ,which smelled of Inveraray,and a bag of Mum's Christmas decorations.That took us both by surprise,memories of mum came flooding back,her Christmas tablecloth was there and bobbles for the tree,santa hats and scarves.Lots of bling,very mum.
Gary was flooded with memories of dad while he was in the loft,he had done so much work with dad and was often sent up to the attic for tools of all kinds.
We were both moved and glad we had done it together.
There is a room full of cloths knicknacks,dvds photo albums all kinds of bits and pieces which made up mum and dad's lives. The pain comes right back when you experience this kind of thing.
Gary left with a few things of mums from the Christmas bag,but could not face looking through the other stuff or going out to the shed or greenhouse.
I so understand. My breath still gets taken away at the sight of certain things.
John and I decided we would go to a service at the Cathedral that night.It was a long journey there and back on a cold january night.
It was worth it.I loved the Scottishness of it all ,so different from the Anglican in Liverpool.Cosier warmer somehow.The music was wonderful.

Monday Jackie took me to The Pond Hotel where she paid some money towards her wedding,then we went to Ruby's on Crow road to choose her wedding flowers,a happy moment together. then coffee and a good D&M.
Tuesday we went on another grey cold day to Stirling to see the Castle and it was worth it too. I was impressed with the place and the history of Mary of Guise who lived there for many years.I would like to know more about her.

Wednesday we went to see War Horse with Bill and Irene at the Grosvenor cinema, where Sandra and I went almost every Saturday morning for years when we were children, to the ABC minors ,to see things like Flash Gordon and cartoons.
War Horse was good and the tea and cakes after were good too.

Sandra came in when we arrived home and we did a bit more work in the room with dad's things.Sad!
We have the confirmation and now we can sell dad's home ,caravan and car,we thought we would be happy to get the confirmation,but alas we are sad,makes dad's death more real.
I see a difference in all of us,our hearts have been hurt; and the stuffing has been knocked out of us.
Yet like our parents we all keep going, getting on with it.

"Keep right on to the end of the road" Harry Lawder.

As indeed did Charles Dicken's he was writing really well, up to the end.
I am enjoying all the radio plays of his books,on this 200 year anniversary of his death.
God bless you both Mum and Dad,hope you are there, somewhere watching over us all.
We ALL love and miss you.

Edinburgh

I have been emotionally sounds for a few days now :-)
John and I had a great day out in Edinburgh and we both loved every minute of it.
The journey was so easy you can get a train from Scotstounhill all the way to Edinburgh Waverley.We had lunch in the Art Gallery a sharing platter,two cups of Pumpkin and Leak soup sandwiches pate and oatcakes.Delicious.
We the walked down Princes Street where there is still work being done on the trams.
We walked over Regent Street and had great views of the Parliament and Hollyrood Palace.It was perishing cold and we were greteful to arrive and Parliament and to be welcomed in by four cheery scotts.There was thirty minutes opening left and that gave us enough time to visit the Chamber.Just John and I standing there was magical! The archictecture is very modern a lot of wood and glass and great lighting too.You get great views of the hills and Hollyrood Palace from the chamber.
Made us feel proud to be Scottish. We want to go back at 1st minister's question time.
The staff were very welcoming all the way through the building.
We were too late for the last visit to the Palace but ,another time.
We then walked up the Royal MIle looking for a Luckenbooth and a hot chocolate.
We found a great little cafe among the souvineer shops and got warmed up with hot scones and hot chocolate.
Then a walk to see the impressive St Giles Cathedral with the crown shaped steeple.
We stopped off at many shops but I could not find the Luckenbooth I wanted I lost my beautiful luckenbooth that John bought me in Edinburgh over 20 years ago.We want our 25th year,our silver wedding year to start off with me having a new luckenbooth.

I met a dear Scottish friend that I had met and worked with in Ireland,at the Glasgow Central Hotel.We sat for two hours chatting and catching up it was great to see Ruth again.
We both,feel a sense if excitement at the idea of coming back to live in Scotland,me Glasgow and Ruth Argyle. Another dream, idea, hope for the future.Let's see where it leads .It is only January 12 2012,a whole year of unknow delights lie ahead.
Waterstone's has to lose the apostrophy- oh dear what will my sons say about that :-)

Up , mostly!

The weather in Glasgow has been wild and wet.
I have been in a calm space since New Year's eve.We had drinks with dad's neighbours and that was good with lots of talk of dad,and more of getting to know them. Sandra and I went Mum's grave and sprinkled a few of dad's ashes there. We hope they don't mind but we feel we can visit them both at the same time.We then had coffee with Jackie and she told us more of her wedding plans which was good fun
John and I had a day in Glasgow and we visited the The Gallery on Modern Art on Queen Steet.We had a great few hours there.We wandered round Glasgow enjoying the Christmas lights and we visited The Glasgow concert hall and got a programme.They have a wonderful Celtic Connections season coming up ,sadly ,just after we leave.I bought wool in John Lewis and we had tea.

We enjoyed a 12th night family party here at Kintillo Drive, I cooked and baked,we had fairy lights,flowers, and music.The atmosphere was warm and welcoming and everyone commented on it and appreciated it.It was like old times ,lots of us squeesed into this small space enjoying each others company.
Gary brought Orlando and Jackie brought Mac.They were a handful but it was manageable.Puppies will be puppies.They are both delightful dogs.
Everyone left about 11.30 and by midnight we had everything done and Christmas decorations down. I have kept the lights in glasses and bowels I think they cheer up the winter nights.
The following day we had a Lightbody Clan gathering at Ashton Lane in John's grandfather's old coach house.Now a cafe. We met Desi ,David's fiancee,she is a delight, an American /Bulgarian woman ,and a lawyer.Very interesting history.she reminds me of Lara.It was good to be with Gwynneth and see her surrounded by all the children and grand children. Dave would have loved that day.he has missed so much.John seesm to help bridge the gap for Dave's family.

John and i came home on the 66 bus ,we settled in for the night watched It's C,omplicated which we enjoyed.A very happy few days.

When I was locking up the house I was out in the close and suddenly I was hit ,like being hit by a bus,by an acute sense of loss.I actually could not move with the pain of it.Thankfully John was there.I had a good long cry which made me feel much better.
A few of my family have had a sense of dad's presense or dreampt about him, but i have not.
It's" a sair fecht"
I get comfort sitting in dad's chair,being in Kintillo. I wonder how I will be when I have to leave this house ,home of 45 years.I think it may well act as a anesthetic for me.Still have two weeks :-)
Happy 48th birthday Jackie. I got her a lovely heart brooch ,from Livamode in Liverpool. Olivia made it just for Jackie so it is unique.
I have a sense of adventure about the next stage of my life. 63 years of love and passion have gone into my relationship with my parents.As well as a lot of time and energy keeping in touch especially over the last few years.
At some point when the house is gone and I am further on in my grief,and ; may have a bit of money from dad.what will I do with the passion energy and time I have poured on to them?
Some woman of my age have grand children to pour their time and energy into. I don't ,and although I am a yaya to my step children's children,that is not the same.It is a blessing and a priveledge,yet not the same.
So what am I going to do now? only tome will tell!

First post of the new year,from Glasgow

Happy new year ,people always wish this for each other ,it is nice and I hope it is a happy new year.
Christmas went well at Salford,Philip and Phil did the cooking and the entertainment,great food good company and wonderful gifts.
Boxing day we stayed on at Salford and the etap hotel.Andrew had breakfast with us then headed to Warwick. Then we all went on the tram to Media City and had a look round then had a coffee at the Hilton Hotel.It was good to get out and have some air.I felt sad,missed dad, we went back to Philip's and i cooked and the guys did crosswords.
Another saddness was that a young Asian man was shot on Christmas night ,a hate crime.We saw a group of festive looking young Asians as we got back to the Etap on Christmas night.
He was almost certainly one of them.So sad.
We travelled to Glasgow on December 27th and went straight to Xscape at Braehead to meet with all the Collins family. It was a special time for me,all of us I think.All the grandchildren who were in Glasgow came along.I was touched by that.
Matthew gave all of us cheques for £200, from the gas board.
They were going to pay £1000 towards dad's funeral,but as we had paid for it they shared it between all the people named in dad's will! Happy days.
I gave my siblings journals so they can write down their memories of mum and dad.
First review will be around dad's birthday in April
We have only been as far as Anniesland for our shopping.
We brought in New Year here at Kintillo with Sandra and Harry it was nice we talked about Mum and Dad. I was very sad at Hogmony but OK at "The Bells" on January 1st we had dinner at Sandra and Harry's with Julie Raph Scott and Rachel.It was a fab night we were all tired but we enjoyed the food and the good company.One day before New year Jackie and I helped Rebekka straighten out her flat and that was fun.Another day Sandra and i sorted out some of dad's things,tough thing to do but had to be done. I feel very happy staying at Kintillo ,feel close to dad here. I think I am doing a lot of good inner work,processing dad's death and coming to terms gradually with the changes still to come.I would love to be able to buy this house and dad's car and the Van,but I know it is just holding on in an unhealthy way. I have to let go...or is it unhealthy? what is wrong with feeling comfortable in your parents home? there are more questions than answers. The Royals and wealthy people continue on in family homes and i imagine that can be either a curse or a blessing.just depends on so many things/.