Halloween

Our 24th wedding anniversary to-day.:-)
Today has been more difficult for me . I want to contact dad,text him email him, ask how he is,tell him what we are doing today.I am deep down shattered. Saw the doctor,she is new to me, young ,lovely, Greek. I have to go for my regular blood tests and she will make an appointment at the eye hospital for me.
John and I had morning coffee in oomoo and afternoon tea at Fact,lemon Cake,coconut cake ,delicious. Loved the staff wandering around with Halloween costumes and scary faces,bravo Fact.Got a card for Kev,he is a grand-dad to a little girl,since 30/10 happy news.Clocks have gone back now,getting dark very quickly.
We will watch ET tonight,my favourite Halloween movie.

All Saints service,Tate,mersey ferry.

Last night we had a lovely evening at Host with Parsy Kev,Anita and Philip.I wanted to makes sure the festive atmosphere continued for John. We had great food and happy conversations we all enjoyed Host. We went back to anita's and had cake and tea and presents for John. He was able to thell our friends about his birthday and his book and The Lightbody clock.They all enjoyed heaing about it.John had a great night.They were all very kind about dad,but I could not talk about it ..it was John's night.

To day I felt like going to The Anglicain Cathedral to the all saints day service.I thought it would give my grief some space. It was a beautiful service ,the music was magical and moving and the Dean gave a thoughtful talk about loss and lonlieness. The reading was the beatitudes which I love. I was quietly tearful during the service and did not take communion.I was too upset. The Anglicans in Liverpool do very well,a woman took the service and it was encouraging multicultural.I find the ritual comforting. they pass the peace nicely the clergy go among the congregation.
We bought a candle then walked to the Tate in beautiful autumn sunshine.We had tea and croissants and talked about the service.When we left we were heading home but the day was so beautiful and i felt good being out side,we walked along to the Ferry Terminal and took a ferry on the mersey. Loved watching the little sail boats bobbing on the waves and the seaguls swooping and diving ,one seagul reminded me of Jonathan Livingston Seagul gliding on the wind. Today is a good day and I miss dad.

Stunning colours,yet dreich!

I have been answering emails and cards sent to me about the loss of pa.
It is very emotional. I feel as if I am reliving the whole thing.
I am having a restful day,hot bubble bath,siesta,reading in bed and a tasty lunch.
We are having dinner at Host tonight, with Anita ,Philip Patsy and Kev, which we are both looking forward to.We contine with celebrations for John's 80th birthday which I don't wan't to get lost.

 

chopping vegetables ,mozart,sunshine.

Had a wonderful sleep thanks to Beth's massage.Optician this afternoon for an eye test
I need new lenses for reading glasses and I have to go to the hospital in the next few months to let them have a look at my eyes to make sure all is well.
Felt shook when i left,just one more thing to deal with.Change feels hard right now, there has been enough change in our lives.John had his flu jab today.
Sandra and Matthew have handed in the form at the sherrif court, Well done both of them.I am delighted to hear Bill and Irene are coming to Jackie and Geoff's wedding.

I listened to Mozart while the sun shone through the windows this morning, I was making celery soup and carrot and corriander soup,the house smells lovely.

I am going to John Lewis to buy some more wool then for a walk round the albert dock,might have coffee and a scone at the slavery museum.
we plan to hollow out our pumpkin this evening.

Fowers ,soup,hugs,emails texts and cards

Last night a friend brought me,on behalf of herself and her sister, two huge bunches of roses along with a thoughtful card.I cannot tell you how much they lifted my spirits.Today a dear friend gave me a big tub of chickpea and nettle soup for the days I don't feel like cooking. In the last few days I have received emails with simple XXX on them.The good wishes and loving thoughts and gestures have a unique healing power over me. I feel "held"! cared for loved.
I was at the dentist this morning at 9am and had to have an unexpected injection.I felt a bit wobbly. When I left the dentist I decided to brave having my eyebrows plucked too. The young woman asked my if I was still travelling back and forth to Glasgow,and I felt my eyes filling up.Telling the people on the perefiry who don't know yet is quite emotional.
This afternoon I ahd a beautiful massage ,I thought I might float away.Bliss.
John and I have booked flights to Alicante on November 29th, we will stay for just over a week. I have to go to Glasgow again in November, for a family meeting about mum and dad's house, car ,and mobile home in Argyle ,as well as maybe scattering dad's ashes. Another tough visit.Castalla and dear Castlenel have specail healing powers for me. Hoping to be rested in order to embrace Christmas, a festival I love and usually welcome with open arms, just not sure how it will be this year.
Happy 18th birthday dear Greg.

3 weeks today

Three weeks to day since dad died.Still can't take it in,still sad, still shocked.
Started counselling again today,really meant to leave it for one month but I am only seeing people I know well.
John and I decided to have a week in Castalla just before Christmas. Being in that lovley space that is Castlenel will be good for me.
The days are very slow right now.It feels more like a million years since I got the call to say dad had died.Yet my feelings are acute, sharp raw as the moment I heard.
Wish I lived closer to my brothers and sisters.G is much better today the pain is going, and he will go back to work tomorrow.
REceived two beautiful bouquets of roses this evening and a beautiful card.I am amazed at how much comfort thoses gifts and messages comfort me.
I remember when mum died 14 months ago how comforted dad was with the gifts and messages too.

A good day.

Today the sun is shining and the sky is blue and autumn is beautiful.Maureen and Bob came and did the cleaning for us,thank goodness for them.
We had coffee , bought some birthday cards, shopped at Matta's then had a late breakfast in Fact. We bought lots of vegetables at the stall just off Bold Street then walked down to Paradise street to get the bus.My cold is going away now,still a bit weak but certainly on the mend.
I miss my dad,frequenty want to text him,email him ,tell him it is a beautiful day in Liverpool.Tell him what we are doing,ask him what he thinks about Man U getting beat 6-0 my Man City.Tell him I am coming in November.Where is he?

John is reading me Latitude each night. it is lovely having it read to me.
Gary is off work with his poor sore eye. He cannot read, use the pc, or read,for a while.
I am still receiving cards,emails and text, filled with condolances love and support.
It does help me or at least comfort me.
Last night's Artist's Way was a lovely evening.I am glad to be doing this,and also glad I am not counselling just yet.
Happy birthday Penny!

out for a walk /phone gone now.

Today I feel much brighter. I went for a walk and the autumn is just stunning, it is quite warm for this time of year.
I booked a massage,and organised to see the doctor,optician,and the optician. I take all this as a good sign.
I was a bit shocked when my sister S told me this morning that dad's phone number has gone. I have been ringing that number for 44 years.

So many things are changing I/we have a lot to adjust to.It will take time and I will get there, one small step at a time.With a little help from my friends.

My sister J sent me a picture of a dress she may wear on her wedding day.That is cheering. My son P raised £50 for charity and won a cooking competition and he loved his Salsa dancing.
Just saw that my son A had got a ticket for StoneRosesconcert,he is very happy,
My neice R is graduating on November 3rd clever girl,. nephew G will be 18 27/10 Happy birthday,Neice J off to NY to have fun for her 30th with friends :-).Life goes on ,and that is good.

 
 

 
 

Time goes by real slow.

Today doing morning pages was very painful ,found myself writing a letter to my dad telling him how much I missed him and how the family are coping without him.
I know he is dead yet i can't take in I will not see him hug him kiss him again. I found myself texting him the other day, not expecting anything back obviously,I am not totally mad just regular grieving mad.My youngest brother G has been suffering terribly with his eye,he squirted head and shoulders shampoo into his eye the other night and he is in all kinds of discomfort.We all seem a bit broked,getting ill, very tired accident prone. Text book stuff but so so real when you are living through it.

I can't make up my mind whether I should cancel my work this week,sometimes it helps other times it feels impossible.Counselling is the hardest thing as it is emotional anyway.The workshops with John's help can be helpful.Ran one yesterday in spite of awful cold. They were a lovely samll group and John was there so it was ok.

I think next Saturday A&P&P&K will go out for a meal,maybe at Host,instead of the dinner party I had planned.

Might cancel 4th November and go to Glasgow,but why,dad's not there ,but the siblings and co are and that might help me feel a bit better.

An advert came in this morning for a children's writer's workshop in Oregon by the Pacific.Would love to be there right now.I am tempted to book it ,it is in July for a week. We could go after Jackie's Wedding.That is all booked up for June 9th at Park Circus Registary office in Glasgow then at The Pond Hotel. A happy family event ther will be good. Must let the boys know about booking the Pond,do it now and it is inexpensive ,leave it till June cost's an arm and a leg.

Want to write about my time in Spain, Ireland, Scone,Inverary. I am just not able to reach that far back right now.

October 21 fluy day!

My youngest sister J was here with her fiance G two days ago and we had a small celebration of her engagement, It was overshawoded at the time by dad's death.

We had a lovley walk in the park, a siesta then champagne ( sparkly ) presents, food and wine. It was specail because she has not been to visit us in Liverpool since we came home from Spain in 2008.

We felt sad too, it is simply unavoidable at this stage.

After they left I came down with this cold. I feel like I am living the text book on grief and ticking the boxes,this stage is flu.

My niece posted a picture today on facebook,a picture I took.. It was of her on her 21st birthday with my dad in the garden and Kintillo!

It is a beautiful photo and they both look so happy sharing a joke,they so obviously love each other.I was touched to see the photograph.

A few days ago,
I sent my sister in law M a copy of my self published book " Murray's Waterfall Home!
A month or so ago I published it on line, on smashwords! She downloaded it, her purchase was my first sale!I wanted her to have the first copy as a thank you for her encouragement.

I got a text from her today,she is thrilled to bits.It lifted my sprits.

It is a strange time, dad is dead,life will never be the same. I am hearbroken and not well ( today) yet I get a lift from a photo posted on facebook and a text from M.

I am containing so much feeling,and fortunately getting the chance to express it too.

I am working tomorrow,a workshop, people think I should cancel,but really I would prefer to do it,workshops and not quite as draining as counselling.
I may have to cancel next weeks clients.

All the handouts are ready for tomorrow,and John has made some visual aids for me.

Lovefilm arrived today "Waltz with Bashir" looking forward to it but probably not tonight.Tonight is an early night for me.

19/10/11 2 weeks since.

It is two weeks today since my dad died.I have been receiving cards and messages from people and I find all of them a comfort.I have had emails from people, sharing their memories and stories about dad who was Matt to them ,or papa,or uncle Matt,or unca Matt,or "the big yin" I notice I type dad yet I called him "pa"
A memory came in this morning for a young friend who now lives in Australia, he remembers being with my dad in Inveraray and enjoying smoked fish,snowballs ( a sweetie) and Irn Bru,years later as a young man he remembers playing bowls and having a beer with dad.And the surprise for me was that he remembered Dad taking him and his sister to the cinema to see Airplane.My dad rarely went to the cinema ( except in his very young days) I like to think of him seeing Airplane,he surely would have enjoyed it.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
Thomas Campbell

While we remember dad and talk of him and tell tales of him. he does indeed live on for me.

A journey.

On Wednesday October 5th 2011 ,my dearly beloved dad died.

I am in the very early stage of grief. Sometimes I feel ok,or at least numb.

Other times I feel desolate ,lost and cannot take in the fact that i will never ever see ,touch or hug my dad again.It is just to big too much to take in.

I no longer fear the phone ringing.I no longer have constant feelings of anxiety.

I am left with a very deep sorrow.

I am wondering if keeping a blog of my journey through grief will be theraputic.

I feel very tired much of the time,yet not sleeping very well.
I feel for my siblings,Sandra ,Matthew, Jackie and Gary,and my sons Andrew and Philip.
I feel for all the people who loved my dad and are grieving for him and missing his cheery grin his zest for life and his uniqueness.

What I want to do is be in Glasgow and be close to my Glasgow family.I find it comforting to be with them. They just know what I feel and I just know what they are feeling.Or at least this is what I believe so I still gain comfort from it.

I feel sad that our family home for over four decades,since Burn's night 1967 ,is to be sold and dad's caravan in Argyle, he had that for almost as long as we had, 36 Kintillo Drive.

And with the morn those angel faces smile
Which I have loved long since and lost awhile.
~John Henry Newman

I would like to believe that dad is with angels,or with mum ,his mum and dad,his friends and family that he has grieved for.

But I don't!

yet what do I know? who really knows? once you lose a dearly beloved loved one you start to consider this question. Or I am.