The Booley House.

Today I visited  my pa's tree in the Park. There was some warmth in the sun, the daffodils are coming out and the place is ablaze with crocuses.It was a poignant moment for me.
I miss my dad and for some inexplicable reason I missed The Booley House and Feakle.

I remember how beautiful the springtime was when it finally came to Feakle, usually about May.

The field was alive with wildflowers the fuchsia hedge was coming to life the butterflies and moths were all about.The night skies shone with trillions of stars.

Pa you loved coming to Feakle, did not have so much time for Spancilhil,although you did love coming there too.I miss you in the springtime, your love the spring and of course your birthday was in spring, Easter sometimes.

I feel lonely for you today.You have been on my mind a lot lately, I think of your funeral. I remember when it was time to leave I could not bear it.I just stood gazing at your coffin.I just know the minister was worried I was going to fall apart,he came over and moved us all out ,gently but firmly. He was right actually I may have lost my head if he had not intervened, I felt like screaming, running to your coffin, wanting to bring you back.

The beauty of nature can be poignant for many of us.Certainly touches me, the beauty and new life and hope of spring and Easter, contrasts with death loss sadness.

I have that feeling today now, if is scream loud enough will you come home to us?

Of course not! magical thinking some call it, madness of grief others call it.

A little flame inside me went out when you died pa, I wonder if it will ever be lit up again?

I think a new baby , a Collins baby ,would light me up, a baby with your blood flowing through his or her veins.But who knows, maybe that was your flame, maybe it had to go out when you left me.

I can see the power of grandchildren for so many folk, John is a new person especially since Archie and Martha Rose.

I feel too old now, you and mum were Andrew's age when he was born, and Grannie and grand-da were only 38 when I was born. it is a big difference.

Ellie and Johnny say that is one of the many hard things about having children so late, the grandparents are all too old to help very much. Funnily enough they don't count me in that ,they think I am still young and helpful, but that is compared to Maureen Mike Rose and Richard and John.

Why I am talking about this dad? just letting myself go with the flow of my thoughts.

David and Aoife might have a baby ,it is a possibility! David is the only married grandchild.Not that this makes any difference really.

Enough already! I just miss my pa.


All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.

and so it is!

Wintery March.

I have been busy since I came back from Glasgow with work, and family and friends,all good; but I have been feeling so tired pa.
Funnily enough around Mother's day I felt  your loss, strange yours and  not mum's ,although I did of course think of her, and I almost always wear her ring and watch.
Mum and I had a strange relationship, I occasionally miss her, especially the younger mum of my very young childhood, she was happier more natural to me at least, that is my impression.
Dad I will be 65 this year, can you believe it? I remember your 65th birthday and mum's too. Now it is me.

I was a bit worried about this tiredness that has plagued me for months now.I told the doctor and she sent me for a whole battery of blood tests. I usually had blood tests twice a year, and the deal is if I hear nothing, just continue with my meds as usual.This time I got a letter saying I should visit the practise nurse. Worried me a bit.My digestion has not been good and the tiredness too.
The great news is the nurse, said all my numbers were perfect, including my blood pressure which she took while I was there. She actually said my results were as good as a 21 year old. I said " you have made my day" she said" you have made mine" I remember that your oncologist always said that you made his day, your were recovering well and thriving, which I guess many of his patients were not.

I left Jane ( nurse) feeling very happy and upbeat, still wondering what the cause of tiredness was all about. Jane said to look at what has been going on over the last few years. I guess mum's illness and death, your illness and death, John's diagnosis, saying goodbye to life in Glasgow as we know it has taken it's toll on me.
We had someone looking at the caravan last week, Sandra and Julie were up there, on Mother's day actually. They both felt very sad and at the same time awed with the great beauty around them.

Julie is finding it hard to let the van go,as is Rebekka.I would keep it on in a heartbeat if I lived in Glasgow OR if we did not have Castlenel.

Sandra and I were both very tearful pa, we feel the van is a last link to you mum, and our young life,but especially you.

I wonder if it will sell soon, of if the family will have another summer out of it,John and I might go if it is still there in July when we come home from Castalla.

We are having things done in the flat while we are in Castalla . new work surface in the kitchen new sink unit which arrived to-day and a new cooker hob which arrives tomorrow.

Castlenel is having the outside done up in stone which I am very happy about.

You would love all this pa, right up your street.

17 months since you left us pa, still miss you ,love you, want to give you a hug, I sometimes hug the tree in Sefton Park that your ashes are under-:-) only if no one is looking .

We are having very cold weather , you would be sending texts telling me about snow flurries in Kintillo,I miss your texts.it is March but it feel like we are going into winter instead of going into spring, although there are snowdrops ,crocuses and daffodils coming up to give us hope.


Let there be peace on earth and let it beging with me!

End of my time off !

I have enjoyed January,I am still enjoying it. I start work again tomorrow,and will see clients and will supervise counsellors this week.

I have loved the snow,we have not had very much but yesterday was beautiful and I got some great pictures.

I have started a picture of the day again for my 65th year.I am enjoying it.
I am thinking of starting a new rug, for myself this time.
I have not made it to mosaic class yet but hope to go a week on Tuesday.Inshalla
David is away in Hong Kong. The beginning of a new life for him, for at least three years.

The New Year  almost up and running. I am still waiting for inspiration ! what will be my new path? once I have finished counselling and am back from Castalla!

I am inspired my Helen Bamber and want to carry on helping nurturing and caring,when I stop counselling.

The path will open up I am sure!

Jamie's with "the girls" in Glasgow.

Hi pa,

I have not talked to you for a while on the blog, but I have in my head.
I was at the five trees last week before I went to Glasgow. The sky was bright blue some crocus were coming up and the daffodils were almost out.All the new life around me made me acutely aware of my loss of you.I felt very upset, it just comes out of the blue.I am ok ,just miss you still.

I went to Glasgow on Friday and when I got to Lime Street I felt the tears coming. I felt sad I was not coming to Kintillo to see you to stay with you to hug you to hear your voice.

Jackie met me at the station and it was good we went for coffee and a catch up and she said that she still feels your loss too.Of course she does, we all do.We just don't talk about our feelings so much now and people don't ask either. I guess their lives move on and they assume that ours have moved on faster than it actually has.

On Satuday Sandra Jacke Marie Wendy and I all me at Jamies in George Square for lunch.

We had a great time ,very special and of course we talked a lot about you and mum and it was so good to be in a place with folk who want to talk and share memories of you guys..

I remember that you loved to talk about " the old man" as you called him.Grand-da to me.

All the Collins woman got on so well, quite obviously loved being together ,so much so ,that we all talked about some time in the future  we all travel to New York and have a holiday together. It does not need to happen, what is wonderful is that we all shared the dream of doing it.

I had a lovely meal out in Simonton with Jackie and Geoff, in a lovely country pub.It was great to hear their dreams for the future.

I felt this weekend gave me back Glasgow, happy times happy memories for the future.


I will always miss you, think of you and love you dad. I wish you could see us all enjoying each other,it is not so sore ,at least most of the times it is not.

People talk of letting go, I don't get letting go,letting go of what? you? my memories?my thoughts? you will always be in my heart, you and mum 63 years of memories of sharing our lives.

I want to hold on. I believe that is healthy ,I am not maudlin,not a Queen Victoria.

I love my family of origin, as imperfect as it may have been,as I get older, I can see none of us are perfect ,no one is ,there is no perfect mum,dad, childhood, life.

There is the life I have lived and I am grateful I was born into The Collins's and had the childhood and indeed the later life I shared with you.

I am one of the lucky ones I am well aware of that pa.

Blessings on your heart.

Sandra and I are very close again dad, it is marvellous. I found a song recently "two little sisters" make me feel so emotional,she is the one who shared my childhood,that is very very special and important.

All shall be well,
and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well. AMEN!

Two little sisters.

Two little sisters gazing at the sea,
Imagining what their futures will be.

The older one says, as her eyes look around,
"I will go as far as the corners of the town.
I'll plant a little garden, flowers everywhere.
And pluck the most fragrant for my hair."

Two little sisters gazing at the sea,
Imagining what their futures will be.

The younger one stands with her eyes open wide.
And says, "I'll go as far as the corners of the sky.
I'll gather all the stars each night as they appear,
And pick the very brightest one to wear in my ear."

I didn't choose you and you didn't choose me.
I didn't choose you, who would guess we're from the same family?

But, what will you do when the nights get cold?
When the stars grow dim and your dreams seem old.
Watcha gonna do when winter calls,
And your flowers fall from the garden walls?

I'll come home to you, you'll come home to me.
My love will be your remedy.
I'll choose you and you'll choose me.
We'll be two daughters dancing by the edge of the sea.