better now,what to do with all this money?

I have been working today and I feel physically and emotionally better now. I had a tummy bug in the night and it was very draining.
John has gone to London and Cambridge till Friday and I am having a week to myself ( just seeing a few people this week)
Sandra and I are in constant contact, talking about wedding plans.It is fun. We both hope to be lighthearted on the wedding weekend.
I am happy to have been able to pay for hotel and travel to Glasgow for the kids. I am a bit bewildered by having this money,although the bulk of it has not even cleared yet.
I feel a bit worried about the responsibility,will I spend it wisely? will I save most of it and keep adding to the savings. I would like to have a good amount when I am 70. I think by then I may want to stop Counselling.
I would like to do a tour of Scotland with John, maybe spring or autumn 2013.
I promised Andrew Lucy and Philip I would give them a night in Inveraray at some point.
And of course my IPAD ,Kindle? iphone? and bike. (do I need a kindle and an iphone if I have an ipad?
Apart from that I have no plans for the money, just like to know it is there if and when we need it.

Dad you had all that money, and you were wise with it .I want to be like that too. I fear I am a bit more generous than you and I know need to curb that sometimes. Thanks pa,it is a challenge ,one I have confidence that I will rise to it.

"ta muchly"

I was so happy and optimistic yesterday,

today John sent me a text from the train saying " ta muchly" it broke my heart, dad always said "ta muchly".

 I found some emails from dad and for the first time read one of them.

 Bloody hell, fuck and shit. I feel very upset today. ( excuse my language,but it actually helps to curse.)

Every day in every way .....

I am feeling much better these days more optimistic.

I believe the long break from work helped me a lot. I also think seven months passing helps too. I have seen much more of the children recently and this has been good for me. I wonder sometimes if they have rallied around me more because of all the heartache or if it is is just how it is. Either way I am grateful.
I noticed Penny Johnny and David have all rallied round Maureen and Mike. It must be very reassuring for them to have that support.

I have not felt able to go to visit Cambridge and London lately. I have just begun to feel lighter and more optimistic and truth be told I could not face another serious illness I was a bit too fragile myself.

Now I feel able to go I am stronger.

I am looking forward to many things this year and I am enjoying "the moment".

Jackie and Geoff's wedding, and seeing all the family, it will be a happy weekend.

My week alone in Castlenel, that started out to be a "needs must" but now I am seeing it a golden opportunity.

Visiting my step-children , the  moros y cristains festival in September ,would be perfect if Philip could be there too, Phil's 70th birthday celebrations, our Silver Wedding celebrations.

We enjoyed the MMCC yesterday.A great movie, Moonrise Kingdom,and a lovely tapas at La Bodega and we were all in good form.

We went for a walk this morning in the park,saw the swans cygnets and the moorhens with the babies, it was beautiful and uplifting. We had breakfast at the boathouse cafe, really nice.
I did not go to the five trees, and I felt ok about that,I am not driven so much now.

I have a very quiet week workwise this week, John will be in London and Cambridge and I will enjoy "being"  I am seeing some friends for coffee and lunch and Andrew is coming on Thursday to help with spreadsheets and maybe flickr.Then we are going to see Lucy and maybe her dad.

All is good.

Philip's birthday breakfast in Richmond tearooms Manchester.

 

 

 

One cheque cleared one arrived in Ireland.

We had a lovely, if tiring, weekend in Salford and Manchester to celebrate Philip's 37th birthday.
I think this was the first time we were all together and we did not talk about dad.
Philip did show me the card his cheque came in and that was lovely.

I am back at work and enjoying it although I find it much more tiring. I think it will take a while to get up to speed again after a six week break.
The cheque in Santander cleared yesterday and today I paid off all our debt to Phil and that felt so good.
In the autumn we will get Seoidin finished for John and that will be great.
I have lots of ideas for Castlenel,small things that will make a difference to our lives there ,and ease the amount of work before and after renting.
I have some suggestions to ease and share the work of the M&C in September too.

The other cheque has arrived in Ennis but will not be cleared for up to two weeks.

Connie,a great woman in the bank, will terminate a loan I have there, and send a cheque to Louis at the credit union, when the money is available.In one fell swoop,no debts.

Dad cannot possible know what a difference this money has made to our lives.

Soon to be debt free, off benefits,and not so much pressure to work.

I still want to work and we still need a bit more income than our pensions,but nothing like what I needed before.

I have already given my clients a handout with all the dates of my times off, between now and February 1st 2013.This feels very good.

I am away again to Spain in June for a week, I have almost all of September off ,and another week in October,then I stop from December 21st till January 28th.

I would like to catch up with my step children and grandchildren this year, and with Tony and Andrea,and Anne and Henry. because I have spent so much time travelling to Glasgow for the last two years. I have missed seeing a lot of people.

I have so many invitations to visit County Clare, and I would love to do that.

Ten years of Compass Clare has come and gone and there have been great growth in those years.
I would have liked to have gone to that celebration in some ways and in other ways maybe not
We have all moved on and it was better for them to celebrate without us.

So dear dad, your legacy to me has been a huge benefit to both of us,and to La Comparsa too.
I am feeling stronger now,not so easily in tears and the pain is much less on a daily basis.

Sometimes I get taken by surprise when something brings me back to the acute sense of loss.I think I will always have that.
 Like you pa ,I am strong and I am a survivor.Something I know you admired about me,with all the ups and downs in my life. I always came up optimistic and made the best of what was there instead of wishing things were different.

I am like you in that I think.

John says you will never be really gone while I am here ,because especially when I am not happy about something ,he can see you looking out at him. I like that.

Anyway pa, thanks again,you are a star.

Swans with three tiny cygnets.

Back in Sefton Park and a chat with pa!

I had my first walk in the park since I came back for the holidays. I am impressed with the beauty of the trees and flower beds. Very exciting ,the two swans that I said goodbye to in April are now parents.
I saw two tiny cygnets when I first arrived. I think they may just be days old.As I was watching the family scene a man on the opposite bank jumped over the fence,he had something in his hand but I could not quite make out what it was. The dad swan raised out of the water and flapped his immense wings at the man, then much to my amazement the man deposited a third cygnet into the water.It must have wandered away. The dad swan calmed down and the two swans glided away with all three cygnets.I felt uplifted by the whole experience.
I walked up to the five trees and was startled by the changes in that space since I left. The daffodils are long gone, but still rotting down, and all the trees are in beautiful bloom.
I had a long chat with dad,it felt good to be back there close to where a part of him is.

I see it is soon to be Father's day. I felt such a pang when I saw the advert.

My inheritence cheques arrived on Wednesday,such a big moment. I put one cheque into my Santander account,and the bulk is on its way to Bank of Ireland .I can follow it on GPO website. I sent it by airsure.
It is sitting in Dublin as I type.

I find the whole change in my circumstance quite stressful- we have come off benefits now.Our monthly income has not gone up but we have savings now. I know and trust that we will be fine it is a good challange to have. Just needs time to adjust to it.

Enjoyed a lovely evening with A&L since we came home,and tomorrow we all go to Salford to celebrate Philip's 37th birthday.

37 good grief ,when I was 37 I had a 16 and 11 year old. My grandmother became a grandmother at that age. Our children's lives are so diffferent from our. young lives.

I guess this has always been they way of it.

I think all our children have good lives Thank Goodness

Still flowing  from feeling calm and happy to deep in grief. That is ok ,how it should be.Dad was such a big presence in my life for 63 years.
Love you miss you pa XXX

lots of money.

The two cheques came today,thanks ma and pa,wish you would come back so I can give you a hug and say thank you .Thanks a million XXX

Too much cleaning and The West Wing

I hardly slept last night, missed you dad.
The last few days have been busy with cleaning the whole house and laundering every sheet, pillow case ,blanket,towel in the house and doing a massive ironing.
I quite enjoy running Castlenel  routinely and doing the physical work, but I really feel the pressure even more this year because the two sets of guests we have coming are complete strangers.And of course I am not getting any younger.It is like the caravan pa, you need to have a big clean in the spring when the house is opened up and a big clean in the autumn before winter sets in.

I have had Frank in to help me, with the heavy lifting  we have no car now so we need Frank to get gas and run it upstairs, John can't do anything like this nowadays and in fact although I can do masses of stuff, that is beyond my capabilities, you would like him pa he is very particular and methodical .


I have been getting Bodega, soon to be Seoidin, ready for Matthew and Greg, a bit early you may say,but we are not back till a day before the M&C and it would not be a good idea to start all that work at that point as there will be more than enough to do at that time,it was full of tools and store room,and a messy one at that,you would not approve.The new window was put in and it looks fab, I seem to be buying windows for the men in my life.But all the mess from the work was still all over the floor and the dust was everywhere.
You were a great worker dad,when you fitted a bathroom suite or did any work in any room you left it like a new pin.I have found out ,not all men are like you :-) all girls feel like this about their dads.

I would be greatly helped if I could speak good Spanish or Sarah could speak English , the people who are meant to interpret are illusive and I feel a bit stressed trying to make sure Sarah knows what has to be done for the guests, after I leave ,and during the guests stay.

Don't know why I telling you all this dad, maybe beacuse I think you would get what it is like for me, you understood what it takes to run a home,not many men do, probably beacuse you did it all by yourself for the last seven years,You had high standards too pa,it is not always a good thing , it drives you too much,and other people don't get it unless they have the Collins gene :-) they can
 live with less order more dust,so they think we are crackers ,maybe we are..

I watched The West Wing last night,it was the one where Leo died,it was awful I am sure the grief of the actors was real they all knew John Spencer so well.

I think that is what made me sad and unable to sleep much,it opened up all my sadness about you.

I seem yo be under the impression that the next thing will make me feel a bit better,but truth be told pa, is that no matter what I do, how many holidays I have how much money I will receive, it always come back to you not being here anymore.

I think I am at the angry stage I feel a bit P off with small things , and big things too like life and death.

I love you dad,always have always will.

Your ever loving first born X

How we laughed!