Sunday, 27 January 2013
Monday, 14 January 2013
Embrace v Reject
Hi pa, I had strange conflicting feelings this year .
I felt an excitement about moving into the new year and embracing it wholeheartedly. Conversely I was reluctant to move into 2013 because it took me further away from you.It is funny how you think you are unique and different from everyone else, while knowing you are really the same and in many wanting to be the same. I have heard people talking about their grief and this feeling is quite common.Yet it feels unique to me.It is now two years since you died, since you left us. (not really till October , but in year dates it is indeed two years) that is scary ,there is is feeling I will forget you, won't miss you so much and there is a guilt about that, although I also know that is healthy. If I have allowed my self you mourn your loss I will spend less time missing you as time goes on.
I am developing a sense of gratitude for having you in my life( trying to focus on that rather than the loss)
but I do feel deep sadness at times, a piece of music a remark made by someone maybe someone not connect with you in any way can bring me right up close to the pain again.
I had a long chat with David the other night, he is going through so much with the worry about his mum, Johnny too I guess, but David talked to me about it and that brings us closer together.
He is a very caring young man.Cares for all of us wants any success he has to be for "the family" he does not want success for the sake of it. I am touched by this.
I am planning my workshops for 2013 now, and getting ready to finish counselling in April.
I am a bit worried that I will not be able to earn some money doing what I want to do, and excited that it is possible to have it my way.
David was reminding me that there are people out there with money,and this is true.
I would feel OK taking money for courses and workshops from people who can afford it.
I seem to spend my time working with people on small budgets,like myself, so I don't charge very much and often give discounts or don't charge anything.
That is one of my challenges for this year. Take a leaf from your book dad and indeed all the children, they all earn two or three times more than our pensions put together. No guilt there.Jackie earns four times as much as we earn together ,pension wise.Then they have Geoff's earnings.Unimaginable to me.
I like David's philosophy ,he wants to earn a lot of money and be successful but he has a purpose.
Like me he feels that the family means everything.
Friends ,work,hobbies ,charity, alone time ,pd, art, creativity all have important place in our lives too.
For many of us it is the family we come home to share all the joys and sorrows of those other things with.
This is why people with awful families or no families are so vulnerable.No protection against the slings and arrows of misfortune
Thank god for you pa and our family, our siblings and shoots, and all the aunts and uncles and grand parents too, we were truly blessed,but we took it all for granted because it was normal for us.
We do our best for our families, pa as you and mum did. We don't always get it right but that doesn't matter I don't think ,as long as we had the best intentions.
In the end our children come to know that.
Sometime while we are alive and sometimes after we have gone.
Getting very philosophical pa, I miss our chats just the two of us, especially when you were an older man and had the time to reflect.
I love you dear dad, I miss you, and I don't hurt so much. As auntie Isa said ,you would want that, you don't want us to me sad all the time. We are getting there.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.
Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me!
I felt an excitement about moving into the new year and embracing it wholeheartedly. Conversely I was reluctant to move into 2013 because it took me further away from you.It is funny how you think you are unique and different from everyone else, while knowing you are really the same and in many wanting to be the same. I have heard people talking about their grief and this feeling is quite common.Yet it feels unique to me.It is now two years since you died, since you left us. (not really till October , but in year dates it is indeed two years) that is scary ,there is is feeling I will forget you, won't miss you so much and there is a guilt about that, although I also know that is healthy. If I have allowed my self you mourn your loss I will spend less time missing you as time goes on.
I am developing a sense of gratitude for having you in my life( trying to focus on that rather than the loss)
but I do feel deep sadness at times, a piece of music a remark made by someone maybe someone not connect with you in any way can bring me right up close to the pain again.
I had a long chat with David the other night, he is going through so much with the worry about his mum, Johnny too I guess, but David talked to me about it and that brings us closer together.
He is a very caring young man.Cares for all of us wants any success he has to be for "the family" he does not want success for the sake of it. I am touched by this.
I am planning my workshops for 2013 now, and getting ready to finish counselling in April.
I am a bit worried that I will not be able to earn some money doing what I want to do, and excited that it is possible to have it my way.
David was reminding me that there are people out there with money,and this is true.
I would feel OK taking money for courses and workshops from people who can afford it.
I seem to spend my time working with people on small budgets,like myself, so I don't charge very much and often give discounts or don't charge anything.
That is one of my challenges for this year. Take a leaf from your book dad and indeed all the children, they all earn two or three times more than our pensions put together. No guilt there.Jackie earns four times as much as we earn together ,pension wise.Then they have Geoff's earnings.Unimaginable to me.
I like David's philosophy ,he wants to earn a lot of money and be successful but he has a purpose.
Like me he feels that the family means everything.
Friends ,work,hobbies ,charity, alone time ,pd, art, creativity all have important place in our lives too.
For many of us it is the family we come home to share all the joys and sorrows of those other things with.
This is why people with awful families or no families are so vulnerable.No protection against the slings and arrows of misfortune
Thank god for you pa and our family, our siblings and shoots, and all the aunts and uncles and grand parents too, we were truly blessed,but we took it all for granted because it was normal for us.
We do our best for our families, pa as you and mum did. We don't always get it right but that doesn't matter I don't think ,as long as we had the best intentions.
In the end our children come to know that.
Sometime while we are alive and sometimes after we have gone.
Getting very philosophical pa, I miss our chats just the two of us, especially when you were an older man and had the time to reflect.
I love you dear dad, I miss you, and I don't hurt so much. As auntie Isa said ,you would want that, you don't want us to me sad all the time. We are getting there.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.
Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me!
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Happy New Year!
Hello Blog,
we have a blank page, a new year!
We are still in the Christmas season, Matthew and Marie and Matthew Alexander are on their way here as I type. :-) we have had a lovely Christmas season.
We had a party for students which was fun. We had a party for our friends, and we got lovely feedback from everyone. I think people are surprised that we encourage them to share poetry ,songs, readings, tell stories. Yet when people experience it, they love it.
They also love a real tree, and home cooking, makes people feel cared for.
We also had a three day event. here over Christmas, Christmas eve,tea and cakes for the Phil's then drinks and nibbles later when Andrew joined in.
Christmas Day we did the lunch for Phil and the boys too, It was lovely , especially to be here in our own place.Lots of food wine, games readings,all good fun.
St Steven's Day, Brunch and crosswords ,then Andrew left for Warwick. The Phil's and John had a siesta and I went for a walk, Then we had a Racklette lunch, more crosswords, supper of leftovers from Christmas, and we finished off with a Christmas West Wing.
27th the Phil's came in for brunch again, Philip was not feeling to great with a bad cold and sore throat, we gave him a big case so he could get all his gifts back to Salford and he took a taxi,thank goodness.
Phil left for Richard and Doreen's and we had very long siesta and light supper and an early night.
Gary and Wendy did not come in the end but it was ok.We needed the time to recover from Christmas.
We had no plans for Hogmanay except the two of us having a quiet night, but Phil had no plans so we invited him over, and he said yes, but that he would need to leave on the 10.30 train back to Manchester.
I was keen to go out as I was a bit fed up with dishes.
Then Andrew and Lucy decided to join us so we made a merry party.
I had my haid cut, and a facial and it was really nice to do some hings for myself.
We all met at the Phil and had a drink, then to Host for a lovely meal. Taxi to Lime Street to see Phil off, then back to Ullet for "The bells" we read up about Hogmanay and that caused a fair bit of discussion, the the bells, Happy New Year, food champagne, first footed the neighbours, dancing, more wine, very late bed.
January 1st was a beautiful day, we both went for a walk and the park was lovely.
More baking more preparations for M&M NICE MOVIES AND WEST WINGS, I am enjoying A Casual Vacancey although there are no nice people in it so far,
Love you pa, had a few wee greets over the season ,but doing Ok really xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
we have a blank page, a new year!
We are still in the Christmas season, Matthew and Marie and Matthew Alexander are on their way here as I type. :-) we have had a lovely Christmas season.
We had a party for students which was fun. We had a party for our friends, and we got lovely feedback from everyone. I think people are surprised that we encourage them to share poetry ,songs, readings, tell stories. Yet when people experience it, they love it.
They also love a real tree, and home cooking, makes people feel cared for.
We also had a three day event. here over Christmas, Christmas eve,tea and cakes for the Phil's then drinks and nibbles later when Andrew joined in.
Christmas Day we did the lunch for Phil and the boys too, It was lovely , especially to be here in our own place.Lots of food wine, games readings,all good fun.
St Steven's Day, Brunch and crosswords ,then Andrew left for Warwick. The Phil's and John had a siesta and I went for a walk, Then we had a Racklette lunch, more crosswords, supper of leftovers from Christmas, and we finished off with a Christmas West Wing.
27th the Phil's came in for brunch again, Philip was not feeling to great with a bad cold and sore throat, we gave him a big case so he could get all his gifts back to Salford and he took a taxi,thank goodness.
Phil left for Richard and Doreen's and we had very long siesta and light supper and an early night.
Gary and Wendy did not come in the end but it was ok.We needed the time to recover from Christmas.
We had no plans for Hogmanay except the two of us having a quiet night, but Phil had no plans so we invited him over, and he said yes, but that he would need to leave on the 10.30 train back to Manchester.
I was keen to go out as I was a bit fed up with dishes.
Then Andrew and Lucy decided to join us so we made a merry party.
I had my haid cut, and a facial and it was really nice to do some hings for myself.
We all met at the Phil and had a drink, then to Host for a lovely meal. Taxi to Lime Street to see Phil off, then back to Ullet for "The bells" we read up about Hogmanay and that caused a fair bit of discussion, the the bells, Happy New Year, food champagne, first footed the neighbours, dancing, more wine, very late bed.
January 1st was a beautiful day, we both went for a walk and the park was lovely.
More baking more preparations for M&M NICE MOVIES AND WEST WINGS, I am enjoying A Casual Vacancey although there are no nice people in it so far,
Love you pa, had a few wee greets over the season ,but doing Ok really xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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