Confused in Castalla

"There must be some things a hot bath cannot cure,but so far I can't think of any" Sylvia Plath

I thought about it this morning when I was lying in the bath in Castlenel listening to the music of Vivaldi floating up the stairs.John was out and I had the place all to myself for the first time since we arrived. Bliss.
I took the time to reflect on the last week with my sisters.
I feel so shattered physically , we had such a stressful time getting here .I wanted Sandra especially to rest at all costs and she did.I made sure she was looked after and did as little as possible.
We did a lot of things together and it was good.

I feel quite emotional since they left ,partly because it was lovely to be together ,but mostly because we talked a lot about mum and dad and that stirs up old feelings.

It has always been hard to really admit that mum did not like me very much, I think she loved me,because I cannot imagine a mum not loving her children) but she found me hard to take.
Sandra and Jackie asked a lot of questions about things that I had put away a long time ago.

If we can understand " why" then it can oftentimes lead to acceptance compassion and even love.
I seek to understand,it is what I do ,and I did it with mum.

I was on they way when mum and dad got married and that was a terrible scandal at the time.
I was a reminder of her shame ( as she put it)
I was a baby that cried a lot,Sandra came along 11 months later and she was content and slept well
I know this influences a mum feelings towards their children. Mum's are only human.
Mum believed dad favoured me and she felt threatened by that. Sandra and Jackie believe this is true too. I am not so sure, I think dad loved and liked us all in different ways and I understand that firstborns cannot help but be special.
If indeed it was true I did not ask for that.So I felt sad to be blamed for something I had no control over.

Mum often "went for me" criticising me,my clothes my work anything to hand.

Jackie asked me why I kept going back, and apart from wanting to see dad, I always thought it might be different.
She sent cards with lovely schmalchy things about wonderful daughters ,sometimes they lulled me into a false sense of security.
I do not think I ever arrived at Kintillo Drive without mum opening the door and saying" oh no not you "and closing the door on me. It was meant to be funny ? I did feel hurt by that.I felt hurt at a lot.
It was the inconsistant response to me that was so hard to take,  it  kept me off balance.
I was touched by Sandra's support she thought it was all terrible I did not think she noticed ..Mum and Jackie were exceptionally close, and Sandra and mum were always close too.

I grieve for a mother I never had. I am a bit envious of people who have close loving relationships with their mum.Who always felt safe with their mother's , and who could always go home when the world was against them. When things went wrong in my life. Mum assumed it was my fault.

I always did my best to be a good daughter,but it was never good enough. I just annoyed her and that was that.

I am immensely grateful to my grandparents, they adored me unashamedly . They thought nothing was ever my fault :-) it is amazing to have people totally on your side ,of course that was no more true than mum's belief that it was always my fault ,the truth was usually somewhere in the middle.

I think it was hard for me to talk about all this because mum was popular and she made friends with my friends and my family..

I was taken aback in November when Phil said "let's face it ,your mother never really liked you" of course he knew  the difficulties as does John .But still, to hear it said out loud really brought it home. I was slightly relieved though it meant I was not imagining things.

I chesrish memories of mum when Sandra and I were little  before I was ten ,in my case when Matthew was born.

She was very lovely with long res hair,lovely smile and I believe she was at her happiest at that point.

I remember big changes towards me when I was about 13.

It was an upward struggle for me after that,could not get it right for getting it wrong, and of course you think it is you, especially when everyone else seems to be favoured.

I did all I could,helped with the young ones ,helped in the house,brought her treats,she just found it easier with the others ( I hear it was not all as rosy as it looked,she could be caustic with the others too from time to time)

People are complex and mum and I are no different. I have three very different memories on mum in her dementia. Two ,I cherish  one was when she was in Gartnavel Hospital ,dad and I went to visit with her,she was peaceful for the first time in many visits, she took my hand and then she took dad's hand and said " love" dad and I cried ,mum just held our hands and smiled. it felt very healing ,a moment in time when the three of us were in communion.

another time I went to gartnavel and she was asleep. I sat with her and held her hand,there was a great feeling of peace around us.She did not waken and that was precious.

The last time I saw mum it was awful,dad dropped me off as he could not face going into the home.

I went in and as soon as mum saw me she became anxious,she said so clearly" I told you I don't want you here,go away I am sorry that is how it is" I went towards her and she shouted for me to go away.

I went away for a while then went back, thinking she would have
 forgotten,but no same thing,"go away I don't want to see you"

I stayed in the hall for a good while ,trying to compose myself , still in my sixties,she has the power to make me feel rejected ,not wanted,such terrible power had my mother .

I try my best to remember the first to memories,and believe at some deep powerful loving level,mum loved me, was happy with dad and I being close and it caused her nothing but joy.

The last time I saw mum was a painful reminder of how it could be on the surface,where awful behaviour patterns are abundant and people are out of touch with their true loving self.


All this and more was brought up by the sister's visit ,and the loss of our parents,this is all part of our grief, for what was ,what shall never be again, good or bad it was real.

But I have to admit mum I don't miss you, i loved you somehow in my own away,and I hope you are at peace, I am getting there where you are concerned.

Dad ,I do miss you,this is your birthday weekend, last year S&J went back to Glasgow with Mercadonna chocolate for you. Phil was already there ,he took you to the Falkirk wheel,possibly your last or close you last trip out.

Two years ago You and Mum and Gavin were still on the planet, Gavin was approaching his end.

Words can't really say it ,feelings are so powerful,

"In the end,all that matters is that we loved"

Castalla 13/04/2012