Matt Collins Window and Sierra Plants

 Dear dad,

 this is your window and  I love it.
I bought some beautiful mountain plants to live close to it ,four cost me 30 euro. I know you think I am "aff ma heed" but you are worth it dad.

I emailed some pictures to Glyn today ( one of Lucy's artist's) to see if he can come up with a stained glass tile to add to the window or maybe place on the terrace close to your window. We will see what he thinks and I will let you know.

I told him about your love of Glasgow and of the lochs and mountains and of course you family and asked if he thought you initials might be in the art somewhere.

I have missed talking to you dad. Sandra Jackie and I talked a lot about you and we all miss you so much and we laughed and cried too.

Sue was here ,you met her years ago. She lost her dad just as mum died so we also had long talks about dad's and we cried too.





 Matthew let us know that apart from the caravan everything is in order ,and he will be issuing cheques soon.
I thought I would be happy but both Sandra and  cried a lot and missed you much more. I wanted to come to Glasgow and to thank you for the great gift you are giving us dad.

Of course that is just not possible.

So I say it here,  thank you my dear beloved Father. I am grateful beyond words.

I will talk to you at the "five trees" in May.


I think you would love the plants pa,they are so so beautiful and

can stand extreme heat and extreme cold.so there is

every chance they will be on the terrace for a long

time to come.

News from - Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue.

I have spent most
 of today and yesterday in the "Steam pipe trunk distribution venue"  which is our cellar /office in Castlenel Castalla.

I have thrown out five big sacks of rubbish,some things we brought from Ireland and have not needed.
It is a big job and very satisfying. I have come through the deep sadness and find I have more energy now. I had my hair done last night which gave me a boost.CuT blow dry and eyebrows plucked. 25 euro- great price.Good work too.
Today John got Philip's old PC going which is great if it keeps going ,as I don't have to share the netbook with John all the time.
I am listening to Radio 4 as I work away.
I heard from Susan today a lovely long newsy email. It will soon be the 2nd anniversary of Gavin's death. Susan is amazing , she keeps going ,of course she misses Gavin so much it hurts,but she work in two jobs, is learning Spanish,gardens,sees a lot of her friends, and has fun times with her lovely grandchildren.

I have been looking at photos of our holidays together,Gavin was so young at heart and handsome too and always had a bad joke to tell :-), we had wonderful times together.I am grateful for that.

I would love to go to OZ again or have a long adventure somewhere else with Susan. I don't like to leave John for a long period nowadays. He is not really able to do much travelling and walking about these days. I am sure there is a solution, there always is an answer,if there is a question.
80 years old people need to have company and be cared for.
All shall be well.

While sorting through old photo's letters and cards. I came across more letters and cards from dad and some cards with mum's writing on them. 

Their writing causes pangs, writing is so personal.

"Dad" "I am afraid I inherited  your writing skills - oh dear"Mum's writing was lovely ,very neat and very legible.

Lovely pictures here in the SPTDV of Ma and Pa not sure what to do with them. Having been through so much heartache sorting through Ma and Pa's things. I don't want Andrew and Philip to have to cope with that.
I am starting a "give while you life" campaign. I have looked out some things for John's grandchildren,and I will give Ellie for her 40th birthday ,the jewellery I bought in Ireland the day she got married . It is Michal Negrin and I know she likes it. It was my first day out on my own. I felt so sad not going to the wedding but I was still far too ill to travel to a big celebration.The trip into Ennis and out to the Cliffs of Moher sent me to bed for three days. But I wanted to do something memorable to acknowledge the day.

I hope to finish the SPTDV project tomorrow, the place looks and smells much better already. It needs constant attentions because of the dust falling from the ceiling and of course Sarah does not come down here,and really it is better for members of La Comparsa to keep it clean and tidy as there is so much personal stuff down here.

I have plans for this place :-)


Sue coming of Sunday,and I feel ready for visitors now-can't wait. I am settled in and Castlenel is beginning to feel like home again. It has taken time this year as we have not been here since last April,except a week in December but I was still too upset to do much at that time.

OK blog, more soon I hear tea and Madeline's calling.

30 euro plants-what extravagance !

hello blog,

I feel much happier and calmer today.

It is a mystery, this journey.

 Sandra has asked us to send our ideas for "the book of remembrance for mum and dad" I like something simple. In loving memory " has such power and meaning when it is your own people "ain folk"
I don't feel strongly about it though.I have my own place to be with them and am unlikely to go to the crematorium on the anniversaries to see the entries.
I like to go to the graveyard where mum's ashes are buried when I am in Glasgow ( and a few of dad's too thanks to Sandra) and I have the five trees in Sefton Park.

I am looking forward to it being done as I think it is the very last thing to be completed ( famous last words)
Some day I would like to go with Andrew and Philip to New Cumnock and Galston Cemeteries to let them see where their Papa wanted to be, but also to see their Great Great Grand Parents graves.
I would like to go with them to Lambhill too to see where their Nana wanted to be,with her beloved dad.
"Day'll come hen"as grand-da always said.

I feel much calmer and happier today.I wakened early and the sun was shining I felt much more energy.
We went to the market for a wander and a coffee and I bought four Sierra plants. I paid 30 euro for the four of them I don't remember ever paying this much for plants before. I felt expansive probably because I feel so much better.
What is exciting about this is that they can stand very hot and very cold weather ,clever things.

They only need a little water once  a week. I am sure Frank will keep an eye on them when no one is here.

I am waiting for a new charger for my camera then I can download the pictures and put some on the blog and facebook too.

John has been to Armando and is feeling much better since his treatment ,he has one more later this week. he has gone the the hairdresser's today for a trim and to have his beard trimmed.

I will go to the hairdressers tomorrow and get tidied up I have been feeling very old this week.I want to look better for Sue's visit.Can't wait she is so cheerful and always makes us laugh.
Although she says she is missing her dad too and we can cry together- I love woman friends:-)

I know we will all feel the benefit of her  being here,she is so easy to be with and loves cooking and chatting and,we can go for walks together. john can't do much walking now and it is good to have company sometimes.

In the mean time we continue to have sleepy hollow here since the girls left. John has been a great support and is forever kind. I look after him too. he needs more rest longer siestas earlier nights and it is good for him.

I know he is worried about Maureen and of course how her illness impacts on his children.

Life is forever challenging- enjoy the moment-we do not know what is next. extravagance

To-day is a good quiet peaceful day. I am grateful.

Reflecting on Kibran's words on Love

I have been hoping to understand Gibran's words on love for years and years.

          Each time I read this (below) I understand a bit more, maybe because I have more of life experience under   my   belt ,that I understand it at another level

Today in the sharpness of my grieving for my dad ,my mum my family as they once were. I experienced the sheer physical pain that love is.
The joy the laughter the good bits I know about, I forget the pain that goes with it.

Gibran captures it well in his lines.

I suppose this is why sometimes, some of us,  avoid giving ourselves  completely ,opening up our heart willingly,loving unconditionally,who can blame us?

pain is the opposite side of the coin of joy?

If I take stock ,it is the people I love most, the people who bring me great joy, that have the power to cause me great pain,wittingly or un-wittlingly.

Tis the price we pay for love-and in the end all that matters is that we loved.( I say this .is it true? in the end dad did, a hug was worth a million pounds he said ) I believe this. I do ;and it was amazing to hear dad getting to that place too.( once he said it was all about money)

When I look back it is the warmth of feelings that I remember or the cold heartless moments too,not the words not the conversations "the feelings"

Fond memories bring me sunshine, literally. I see yellow sunshine when I remember being a child safe and warm ,when I held my babies, when we were all young and happy, it was yellow sunshine.

Unhappy memories are grey and cold,or sometimes red if I still feel angry.

"Dad it is your birthday to-day and it is very hard for all of us. I have heard from all the siblings and we all feel strange not to be visiting Kintillo today ;it was such a big  event in our lives,your birthday and yours and mum's wedding anniversary. A focus of our year." " people say the first year is the worst,i sure hope so pa this has been so bad and I feel so empty inside."
Isa watched your Diamond Wedding and your 80th birthday DVD yesterday,she was very brave.I just can't not yet any way,I found a letter here in Castlenel from you,it was so painful to see your writing and read your cheery words." I love you dad"best dad in the world as I  always put on your cards" and one of the last things I said to you that night in the hospital the night of my birthday, almost the last time I saw you,we were both distraught pa."
Glad I saw you home in Kintillo surrounded by all your things and people who loved you the following day,such a wonderful surprise that you came home before I left.

I wanted to stay on with you, but you insisted that I got on that train, and go to the match with "andy"

Ok blog thanks for listening.Hope to be more cheerful tomorrow,but can't hurry feelings ,and it is a journey through grief that I am writing about. I am startled at the little side roads the journey  has taken me on.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

mixed feelings

This weekend would normally be a weekend of celebrations for the Collins family with dad's birthday on April 15th and mum and dad's wedding anniversary on April 16th.
I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat.I feel sad angry tired all at once. I have cold sores I and am sneezing,
Apart from that I am having a good weekend :-) I just have to laugh.

Confused in Castalla

"There must be some things a hot bath cannot cure,but so far I can't think of any" Sylvia Plath

I thought about it this morning when I was lying in the bath in Castlenel listening to the music of Vivaldi floating up the stairs.John was out and I had the place all to myself for the first time since we arrived. Bliss.
I took the time to reflect on the last week with my sisters.
I feel so shattered physically , we had such a stressful time getting here .I wanted Sandra especially to rest at all costs and she did.I made sure she was looked after and did as little as possible.
We did a lot of things together and it was good.

I feel quite emotional since they left ,partly because it was lovely to be together ,but mostly because we talked a lot about mum and dad and that stirs up old feelings.

It has always been hard to really admit that mum did not like me very much, I think she loved me,because I cannot imagine a mum not loving her children) but she found me hard to take.
Sandra and Jackie asked a lot of questions about things that I had put away a long time ago.

If we can understand " why" then it can oftentimes lead to acceptance compassion and even love.
I seek to understand,it is what I do ,and I did it with mum.

I was on they way when mum and dad got married and that was a terrible scandal at the time.
I was a reminder of her shame ( as she put it)
I was a baby that cried a lot,Sandra came along 11 months later and she was content and slept well
I know this influences a mum feelings towards their children. Mum's are only human.
Mum believed dad favoured me and she felt threatened by that. Sandra and Jackie believe this is true too. I am not so sure, I think dad loved and liked us all in different ways and I understand that firstborns cannot help but be special.
If indeed it was true I did not ask for that.So I felt sad to be blamed for something I had no control over.

Mum often "went for me" criticising me,my clothes my work anything to hand.

Jackie asked me why I kept going back, and apart from wanting to see dad, I always thought it might be different.
She sent cards with lovely schmalchy things about wonderful daughters ,sometimes they lulled me into a false sense of security.
I do not think I ever arrived at Kintillo Drive without mum opening the door and saying" oh no not you "and closing the door on me. It was meant to be funny ? I did feel hurt by that.I felt hurt at a lot.
It was the inconsistant response to me that was so hard to take,  it  kept me off balance.
I was touched by Sandra's support she thought it was all terrible I did not think she noticed ..Mum and Jackie were exceptionally close, and Sandra and mum were always close too.

I grieve for a mother I never had. I am a bit envious of people who have close loving relationships with their mum.Who always felt safe with their mother's , and who could always go home when the world was against them. When things went wrong in my life. Mum assumed it was my fault.

I always did my best to be a good daughter,but it was never good enough. I just annoyed her and that was that.

I am immensely grateful to my grandparents, they adored me unashamedly . They thought nothing was ever my fault :-) it is amazing to have people totally on your side ,of course that was no more true than mum's belief that it was always my fault ,the truth was usually somewhere in the middle.

I think it was hard for me to talk about all this because mum was popular and she made friends with my friends and my family..

I was taken aback in November when Phil said "let's face it ,your mother never really liked you" of course he knew  the difficulties as does John .But still, to hear it said out loud really brought it home. I was slightly relieved though it meant I was not imagining things.

I chesrish memories of mum when Sandra and I were little  before I was ten ,in my case when Matthew was born.

She was very lovely with long res hair,lovely smile and I believe she was at her happiest at that point.

I remember big changes towards me when I was about 13.

It was an upward struggle for me after that,could not get it right for getting it wrong, and of course you think it is you, especially when everyone else seems to be favoured.

I did all I could,helped with the young ones ,helped in the house,brought her treats,she just found it easier with the others ( I hear it was not all as rosy as it looked,she could be caustic with the others too from time to time)

People are complex and mum and I are no different. I have three very different memories on mum in her dementia. Two ,I cherish  one was when she was in Gartnavel Hospital ,dad and I went to visit with her,she was peaceful for the first time in many visits, she took my hand and then she took dad's hand and said " love" dad and I cried ,mum just held our hands and smiled. it felt very healing ,a moment in time when the three of us were in communion.

another time I went to gartnavel and she was asleep. I sat with her and held her hand,there was a great feeling of peace around us.She did not waken and that was precious.

The last time I saw mum it was awful,dad dropped me off as he could not face going into the home.

I went in and as soon as mum saw me she became anxious,she said so clearly" I told you I don't want you here,go away I am sorry that is how it is" I went towards her and she shouted for me to go away.

I went away for a while then went back, thinking she would have
 forgotten,but no same thing,"go away I don't want to see you"

I stayed in the hall for a good while ,trying to compose myself , still in my sixties,she has the power to make me feel rejected ,not wanted,such terrible power had my mother .

I try my best to remember the first to memories,and believe at some deep powerful loving level,mum loved me, was happy with dad and I being close and it caused her nothing but joy.

The last time I saw mum was a painful reminder of how it could be on the surface,where awful behaviour patterns are abundant and people are out of touch with their true loving self.


All this and more was brought up by the sister's visit ,and the loss of our parents,this is all part of our grief, for what was ,what shall never be again, good or bad it was real.

But I have to admit mum I don't miss you, i loved you somehow in my own away,and I hope you are at peace, I am getting there where you are concerned.

Dad ,I do miss you,this is your birthday weekend, last year S&J went back to Glasgow with Mercadonna chocolate for you. Phil was already there ,he took you to the Falkirk wheel,possibly your last or close you last trip out.

Two years ago You and Mum and Gavin were still on the planet, Gavin was approaching his end.

Words can't really say it ,feelings are so powerful,

"In the end,all that matters is that we loved"

Castalla 13/04/2012

Stranded in Liverpool.

April 4th new layout on blog .

 It will take me a while to get used to it but in the end it will probably be OK.

I am supposed to be in Castlenel,Castalla today. Due  to the French air traffic controllers strike we have been delayed for two days.

I don't like this limbo time we had to come back after leaving the house for six week, saying goodbye to the neighbours. We did not even have a pint of milk in the house.

We had to sit on the plane for two and a half hours before we were told it was not going and the flight had been cancelled.

It was very hard on the people who had travelled a long way to come to the airport and the people with children and specially hard on the people who were only going away for five days to be told there were no flights till Thursday and Friday.

We came home dropped our cases and went out for a meal.
Now I just want to go , we caught up some with sleep although I am still very tired,and I finished all the blue that I had left on Andrew's rug, unfortunately I ran out of a very small amount of blue. Will order it in time for me coming back.Hope to get the centre done as soon as I come home.

I have already said bye to dad at the five trees, but think I will have another walk there today.

I feel sad about Maureen and hope so much she comes through her operation today. I feel optimistic and am aware that  it is the start of a long haul for her,for all of the.

This getting older is no place for sissies ( as Bette Davis said,)  I am still adjusting to the changes in my eyesight and now I may have to have tooth implants,which cost an arm and a leg.

I think it takes courage to age gracefully and not be going on and on ,as some older people do ,about their conditions,but no wonder, it tends to dominate your thoughts.

Dad did talk a lot about his ups and downs, but considering what he was living with he was amazing, and still had an interest in other things and people. He mostly gave you a lift with his humour and  his cheery smile.

I miss you dad, I feel quite emotional at the thought of seeing your Matt Collins window in Castlenel.

I think of you everyday ,many times a day.

Andrew had a wee pang when he was in France pa, he missed sending you a post card, you were a hugely important part of his life dad,your first grandchild, I remember talking to you just last year ,about his birth ,and you said your remembered it very well the day you became a grandfather.
I remember how proud you and mum were of Andrew ( Andy Pandy as you used to call him, drove me crackers :-)  now I would love to hear you calling him Andy Pandy )

I showed Philip a photo of you at the Queen Mother hospital the day he , Philip was born.

He looked at it for a very long time ,I was touched.
You looked so young and had quite log hair and sideburns

My to boys really loved you dad they were fans :-) and they both talk about your with affection and have great memories which make they laugh when they share them even now.

They miss you too of course.

Tomorrow is April 5th. You died on October 5th. Six months dad.! I wonder if you are out there somewhere?

You would laugh at me saying that,  yet I like to think of you with your dad , my beloved grand-da ,who you missed so much right up till your end,.I will miss you right up till my end
.And I miss Grand-da too, but now I feel all happy and smiley when I think of him and Grannie,the pain has gone, the memories bring comfort now.

I hope to god I have your strength  to cope with loss and old age as you did Pa.

Ok blog I hope I can keep going with you in Spain,I will have to use John's netbook.

Looking forward to getting an Ipad and I may get a kindle too,I suppose that would be extravagant.

I have never been extravagant with myself, for others, yes ,if I could be.

I would like to have an ipad,iphone,kindle and a bike with a basket on the front.

They will be my gift from dad to me.

 I am getting a room done for John in Castlenel,and I got a window for La Comparsa.

Ok blog hope to see you again in Castlenel.