A friend in Ireland sent me this beautiful poem!

Though we need to weep your loss,
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,
Where no storm or might or pain can reach you.

Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.

The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.

Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.

Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.

We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul's gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth,
Darkest winter has turned to spring;
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generous heart.
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation,
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,
And where we will never lose you again.

Laser treatment

Thank goodness today has come and I got through it. I have been quite scared about getting the laser treatment, mostly because I have heard of people who have been blinded by it or there eyes got worse. However I did go and I was treated very kindly by all the staff I met at the hospital,the treatment was not as bad as I feared a bit uncomfortable but that is OK with me if I gain the benefit. I was instilled with confidence by the doctor who treated me.
I went of a massage with Beth on Wednesday and that helped keep the stress levels down then I had another on today.Thank goodness for Beth a star. I with everyone who had to go to soul-less hospitals could have a lovely massage in a beautiful space right after.
My sisters and friends have been immensely supportive and I really appreciate their emails and texts.
Sandra and Matthew have had their own stresses. The buyers of dad's house have been a bit persnickety and demanding. Matthew gave them an ultimatum we had to have a firm offer by last night or the deal was off.bravo Matthew. The firm offer was in.

Bill is repairing the weather damaged fence for us, £200 for the materials,no labour costs,he said he is doing it for dad. I love Bill and Irene.
My dad was a real hero. he faced so many challenges with his health ,he had to have some horrible procedures done to him. I hope I have half his courage. He was with me this last week,(in my head) keeping me going and encouraging me. Love you and miss you dad X

sunny day with blue skies.

I did not sleep on Sunday night. It left me feeling a bit sad and vulnerable.I was surprised as it was a good day of ,rest,baking,park and evensong.
Love that "Upstairs Downstairs" is back. I used to love that.Especially with Gordon Jackson.
Monday I was very weepy,mostly due to tiredness,but I did miss dad so much.Would just love to see his lovely face and his amazing blue eyes and give him a hug.
Johnny sent a picture of Andrew and Lucy with Archie.It really touched me.They looked great holding a little child.I wonder if they will ever have one? people ask me all the time."do you think A&L will have a child" I would like it for them if they want it.I like the idea of dad's genes my genes being carried on. Thankfully there are lots of Collins's to pass them on.
The Artist's Way was really good last night which was a miracle as I was so tired all day struggling to plan it. I have two new clients one in Liverpool one in Chester.
I had the most wonderful walk in the park this morning,I had to take off my coat hat and gloves it was so sunny,the light was perfect for taking photograps. After lunch I am off to see Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock. in a movie about a little boy whose dad was lost on 9/11. John can't face it but I think it will be uplifting. I will treat this as an Artist's Date which is something you do alone.

winter is dead

Daffadowndilly

She wore her yellow sun-bonnet,

She wore her greenest gown;

She turned to the south wind

And curtsied up and down.

She turned to the sunlight

And shook her yellow head,

And whispered to her neighbor,

"Winter is dead"

Lucy's birthday weekend.

Enjoyed seeing Patsy this week we caught up over a coffee at John Lewis.
Spent most of Friday shopping and preparing for Lucy's Birthday meal with us. All her presents arrived in time. I enjoyed wrapping them all up and making them look nice for her.
I enjoyed making the tabouli and the tomato and basil humus too. I love the tabouli myself.
We all enjoyed the evening together and Lucy loved her gifts. Worth all the work that went into the evening.Andrew |looked really nice in his new sweater and Lucy looked lovely as she always does.
They have gone off to London to continue the celebrations.
Philip stayed till about 5 today and spent a lot of time working on John's net book.he was very patient and got it fixed in the end. I made soup for lunch and a cake for the 5 o'clock.
Dad's house is sold now,this is quite a shock, it is strange to have such conflicting emotions. I feel so sad about the house going and feel happy that we got a good price for it.Dad would be pleased.
I go to the five trees in Sefton Park and tell him all the news. It is good for me to do this. I feel there is a connection,mad? maybe. The caravan will be next! then it is all done. Bravo Sandra and Matthew.Phil may have a buyer for Lost in France a bit of a shock for him ,indeed for all of us. Nothing stays the same,sometimes the changes come a bit too fast.
Philip has decided to take the house off the market ,that is great for us,we can settle down here now, makes some changes,thanks to dad,we are not in a hurry for Philip's share for Castlenel.I like the idea of Philip keeping this place as an investment property,even if he does not live in it again. .Being with the children makes me feel good I am glad they keep in touch with us,we are blessed. Looking forward to seeing John's family soon especially the grandchildren.

Valentine's day

We had a delightful day out in Liverpool today. Started with tea and scones in Walker Gallery.I was feeling very happy then I got a text from Sandra to say we had an offer in for the house.Felt happy then a real pang of loss. It took the wind out my sails. We walked around the Matisse drawings and I went to see my favourite picture "Confidences".Felt better then we headed to Fact and had a light lunch.We were given lovely chocolate pralines on our way into see the movie "Romantics Anonymous"We thoroughly enjoyed it.We finished our afternoon with tea and cupcakes at the Anglican Cathedral. We enjoyed our day out. It is surprising how stressful Valentine's day is for many single people. I have never felt that but I do remember the first time I went into a card shop after mum died and it was Mother's day.I had to leave.Not too happy about facing Father's day this year either. All those days have to be faced though. All in all a good day.

Feeling cheerful!

I feel light hearted today. We did indeed see the Muppets movie and it lifted my spirits.
We have had a nice weekend together,had lunch out afternoon tea out, caught up on things,
Our lovely young neighbours have responded to the clearing up work we had done in the back and front garden ,they are happy and although I did not get a receipt they are going to pay me :-)
The bins have been moved round to the side of the house AT LAST :-)
Such a difference for us as we looked out onto them. I think Rachel and Adam are going to make a difference they have energy for the house.
They have done all I asked,moved bins and got us a whirligig.We now have better views out of all the windows.
The lake in the park is still iced over and the trees are still skeletons,yet I have a sense of optimism,spring might not be too far away.
I collected five different leaves and five different stones on my walk. The beauty of nature is everywhere if you take time to look. Right now I am appreciating my sight,must not take it for granted.I have booked for us to go to Fact at noon on 14th Valentine's day to see Roman tic's Anonymous maybe followed by lunch.
Talked to Phil yesterday, all good at Castlenel ,the Matt Collins window and the blind look fab!
We talked a bit about Phil's 70th birthday plans and the advert and the selling of 36K .The fog is lifting.DV.

sad day

Today I opened my emails to find 36 K is on the market.
I was surprised at my reaction. I could not stop crying.Such a shock,even though I knew this was coming.
It is a good advert and it had only been on the market two hours when Sandra got a call to say we have a viewing for Saturday at 11am. Of course my head tells me this is a good thing.My heart and my gut feel very different about it.
As Jackie said today"it will be a blow when the house is no longer ours" indeed it will.
Jackie has asked me to if I would be there on the morning of her wedding to help her get dressed.
I feel really happy about this as I do not have a daughter to share a day like this with.I feel sad too that mum and dad will not share this day.
I helped her pick is wedding flowers when I was there in January a treat for me.I suggested that although the theme of the wedding is Scottish that it might be good to have something to represent Geoff's English-ness.She agreed and there will be white roses :-) the verse on the invitation reflects this too.
Matthew and Marie are not coming this weekend. I suspected this ,Marie is really not well yet.I can see Matthew wants to do something to cheer her up. It will happen at the right time. I may got up there for a few days if she does not improve soon.
I feel completely shattered tonight and my eyes are sore with crying.I hope for a good nights sleep and to feel refreshed in the morning.The Muppet's are on at Fact,maybe we can go tomorrow afternoon it would be cheerful.I want to renew my Fact membership and book romantic anonymous for Valentine's day.
Love you dad!

Artist's Way ,Chester,Work

I was very busy with the build up to Artist's Way course and gearing myself to go back to Chester this week.
I used to text dad on my way to Chester and on my way home.he nearly always said "bloody lucky U" I miss dad some days more that others. Sunday night was very painful,like it had just happened .I really really wanted to see him.
Why do we have to die anyway? Why are we born in the first place,is there a reason? is it chance?
Two quotes impressed me as a child.
" Keep right on to the end of the road,keep right on to the end
"Though you are tired and weary ,still journey on,till you come to your final abode.
Though the road be long,let your heart be strong, .......

Dad did that, the road was long,and his heart was strong.I do too. Since dad died.I am tired and weary, and I still journey on.

The other one was "If I can help somebody on my way through life,then my living will not be in vain"

I do that,always wanted to help folk,ease the pain.Sometimes wish I had a magic wand.
I have discovered "being there" is enough and can be more than enough.

I hear the more you are able to display compassion and genuine interest in others the richer you life will be.
Tis true!
At times when there is great sadness which is not all consuming,then turning to see what someone else needs can enrich you and ease ,if only for that moment.
"Grief is all part of life",so easy to say when it is happening to someone else.
I also feel sad that my eye is not improving,which of course I was told was the case,even the laser treatment on 25Th ,which I am fearful of, is unlikely to help.It is really sinking in now,I have lost some of the sight in my left eye.
It affects so many things, working on my computer,the joy of reading, looking at the price of things in the shop.After laser treatment and my return visit to Dr Choudray I will go back to the opticians to see if he can help with different spectacles.

Life always has challenges for us.Courage Helen!

Philip's visit was good fun, he cooked and we caught up on all the news.Gave him some things of Dad's and a Christmas bauble of mum's.

"The Matt Collins window is in Dad, you will be so pleased. I have not heard officially from Phil but he put some pictures on facebook. it is a classy thing.
I am coming to see you in the park later,will talk to you then."

Course is a big success I have been fortunate over the years to get good feedback about my work ;counselling and teaching .I have dismissed it often saying "it's my work."

Now I allow myself to experience how I feel when I hear it, and it is very touching to hear and to see the benefits and blessings of my work.
To hear the difference it makes in people's lives, how they grow in confidence.Feel better about themselves.

Kintillo not on the market. Sandra is doing so much on her own. Matthew has a lot on so Sandra tends to get left with the lions share.

Marie still not fully recovered from the operation.I did not expect it to take so long.

John working two morning a week at Fact. It is good to have some space in the house.We both like to have the place to ourselves from time to time.

It is very cold and beautiful. I long for snow,it seems to be everwhere but Liverpool,( not really true)
Lots of plans been made to see friends since I came back from Glasgow.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.
Where are you pa ?

Back to work in earnest.

This is the end of my time off from work.I have benefited from it greatly
.I have had time to experience my self,spend time with family and friends,recover a bit from the stress and grief of the last two years.
Next week ,The Artist's Way starts.I start counselling in Chester again,and I have a new client there and in liverpool.I feel ready for all this,looking forward to it in fact.
Susan still imagines what Gavin would say about the changes in the house if he walked up the path again. My heart aches for her.And I admire her enormously,she is moving on,working two days a week.Still goes to her book club,baby sitting group,does things with her grandchildren,above all does not let herself depend on he children.She is heading to South America in the summer.She has great courage.
I tried to upload one picture to this blog , the swans in the park ,ended up uploading all the pictures that I took that day.Have not worked out it I can delete,but I will just leave them there now. Will ask one of the boys next time they are here.
Mhairi Clare is doing well debating, she seems to have a gift for it.She got into the final of the inter schools debate,the motion "international adoption" waiting to hear from Wendy how she got on. I am very fond of Gary's girls,enjoying getting to know them better.
We have enjoyed evensong at the cathedral this week,and the movie,Descendants,it is about much more than a woman in a coma. Coffee with Anita was lovely,she loved her time in Denmark with her beloved brother,and she missed her two favourite aunts who died last year. We were meant to to having a drink with another two friends Brain and Celia but sadly her mother was taken into hospital.Celia's father died about the same time our mum did. It is the time in life for me and my friends, when we have many losses to live through.The research shows that if you can survive loss and have a purpose in life ( whatever that is) you can have a successful happy old age. I would like that.
Little Johnny is going in to have his tonsils and adenoids out,wee soul.Kate loved the dress I sent her,found it in a charity shop,it was a dream.So glad she loves it,she calls it her princess dress :-) I will do my best to go and visit Penny in March if only for a one night stopover.
Maureen will be 70 this year as will Phil. Ellie and David will be 40,we have our Silver Wedding.We can't do everything unfortunately,will have to plan what is possible,especially for John.
I have been looking forward to some snow ,the for cast tells us it is freezing to expect snow,but so far nothing,just hailstones as I type.
Phil had to get friends in Carcassone to put heaters on the boat,it was -10 been minus in Castalla to.Can't wait for the window to go in to Castlenel,then hopefully Phil will have blazing fires all the time and keep himself warm.
As Katherine Hepburn say in Philadelpha Story..I....feel.....fine.