The Christmas Music is beautiful yet too painful to listen too.Just breakes me up.
All the presents are wrapped ready to go to Salford and Glasgow.Susan's card and gift have gone, hopefully in time for 1/1/12.Marie's birthday card has gone and Steve's card and gift have gone too. Jackie is on the 8th so I have time to make a card for her in Glasgow.Been feeling a bit wobbly my tummy a bit upset but I am sure it is the upset rather that anything physical.
We had drinks with our young neighbours the other night,it was a plesant interlude.I just feel uneasy with people right now. I fear my tearsand distress with frighten them off and sometimes I simply break down.I did with a client the other night,but I have been working with her for a good few years,so it was OK.She just asked how I was at the end of the session thank fully.
I have been receiving lovely warm comforting emails from family and friends.It is a good things,even it it does bring a few tears.
We opened our presents from John's family and my clients,people ahve been very generous.Lovey gifts indeed.
We enjoyed a few hours in town today, but did not go to the Carol service I was simply too tired.We will pack soon for Salford and Glasgow soon and then have a nice simple meal and a movie.Then an early night! Next blog from Glasgow.
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Eye hospital/Clare's post.
this morning a friend posted on her facebook " we never lose the people we love,they live on in our hearts" I cried and cried.We do lose the ones we love.I would give anything to have my dad back in his chair at Kintillo,to see him sitting in the garden with his yellow cap on ,giving us a thumb's up and a big cheery grin.
I do understand the concept, my grandparents who I adored do live on in my heart, as does my mum. But it is too soon to be able to take that on with dad.Mum we lost so many years ago to dementia,it felt like a blessed release.
I went back to the eye hospital today to get the wonderful news that both eyes are at the right pressure :-) feel very relieved.Thank god for living in modern times.And god help all the people in the world who have no access to simple life /sight saving methods. I feel very grateful indeed.I will go abck in February for Laser treatment thenti see Dr Chaudra in four months.Hopefully all being well I will go every six month for a while and eventually yearly. I am grateful and I feel blessed.
All shall be well,
and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well.
To day is a good day.
I do understand the concept, my grandparents who I adored do live on in my heart, as does my mum. But it is too soon to be able to take that on with dad.Mum we lost so many years ago to dementia,it felt like a blessed release.
I went back to the eye hospital today to get the wonderful news that both eyes are at the right pressure :-) feel very relieved.Thank god for living in modern times.And god help all the people in the world who have no access to simple life /sight saving methods. I feel very grateful indeed.I will go abck in February for Laser treatment thenti see Dr Chaudra in four months.Hopefully all being well I will go every six month for a while and eventually yearly. I am grateful and I feel blessed.
All shall be well,
and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well.
To day is a good day.
Monday, 19 December 2011
Christmas Movie with Andrew and Lucy "Hugo"
I went to the eye hospital on 12th December.It was a very tough day,three hours of tests and finally told I have Glaucoma in my left eye.I was/am totally shocked. My eyes have been blurring a bit, but I thought is was tiredness. I am being treated with tablets ,for a week,and drops for life. I will go back on 22/12 to see if the tablets have brought the pressure down. Fingers crossed.
I am very uncomfortable with doctors looking in my eyes,I did not do too well as a patient.Although I got better as time went on.I am also a dab had at putting drops in my eyes now.
I was a werck when I left,looked as white as a ghost and about 90.Andrew was coming round so i has a wash changed into my jeans out on some make up and felt a bit better.I told him all about it after we ate cakes and talked about Castalla and the Matt Collins window.He was very encouraging.I slet very well and went to work in Chester the following day and I was ok.Work helps.
I had coffee with anita and got some of her childrens books for the grandchildren :-)The yellow Sofa,just delightful.I am a bit worried about her she has been coughing for months.I cried a bit about my eyes and my beloved dad.Just can't stand that he is not here.Had a long chat with Susan and she talked about how it is for her having Christmas in Sydney without Gavin.Last year she came here. It is just so sad.
I made all my Christmas cards over the weekend,from cards I received over the last two years.It was good ,theraputic.I iced six small Christmas cakes and made more white chocolate and cranberries.
All my presents are here and i wrapped all of them too.,for Warwick Salford Scotland,and the London,Cambridge Australia ones have been posted.
Went to the Holly Bough service on Sunday 21st.it was beautiful.The Catherdal was packed out.The usher foud us two seats together.
We ahve watched two Christmas movies so far.I am going through the motions because I think it is right,never avoid,just makes it worst next time.But I feel like hiding and crying a lot the christmas carols break me up.I was not up to Beth's party on Saturday night,but it was nice to think of all the people in green red and silver clothes having fun.
I have had beautiful touching emails from far and wide ,people wishing me Courage.It helps.I feel cared for.Tonight we are going to Wagamama for food with A&L then to see Hugo.Hoping to feel some cheer.I have sewn all the buttons on Andrew's coat and have amazon stuff for him to take to Philip's on Christmas Eve,as well as candles and party poppers :-) must make an effort.Dad I love and miss you I will never forget you X
I am very uncomfortable with doctors looking in my eyes,I did not do too well as a patient.Although I got better as time went on.I am also a dab had at putting drops in my eyes now.
I was a werck when I left,looked as white as a ghost and about 90.Andrew was coming round so i has a wash changed into my jeans out on some make up and felt a bit better.I told him all about it after we ate cakes and talked about Castalla and the Matt Collins window.He was very encouraging.I slet very well and went to work in Chester the following day and I was ok.Work helps.
I had coffee with anita and got some of her childrens books for the grandchildren :-)The yellow Sofa,just delightful.I am a bit worried about her she has been coughing for months.I cried a bit about my eyes and my beloved dad.Just can't stand that he is not here.Had a long chat with Susan and she talked about how it is for her having Christmas in Sydney without Gavin.Last year she came here. It is just so sad.
I made all my Christmas cards over the weekend,from cards I received over the last two years.It was good ,theraputic.I iced six small Christmas cakes and made more white chocolate and cranberries.
All my presents are here and i wrapped all of them too.,for Warwick Salford Scotland,and the London,Cambridge Australia ones have been posted.
Went to the Holly Bough service on Sunday 21st.it was beautiful.The Catherdal was packed out.The usher foud us two seats together.
We ahve watched two Christmas movies so far.I am going through the motions because I think it is right,never avoid,just makes it worst next time.But I feel like hiding and crying a lot the christmas carols break me up.I was not up to Beth's party on Saturday night,but it was nice to think of all the people in green red and silver clothes having fun.
I have had beautiful touching emails from far and wide ,people wishing me Courage.It helps.I feel cared for.Tonight we are going to Wagamama for food with A&L then to see Hugo.Hoping to feel some cheer.I have sewn all the buttons on Andrew's coat and have amazon stuff for him to take to Philip's on Christmas Eve,as well as candles and party poppers :-) must make an effort.Dad I love and miss you I will never forget you X
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Back in Liverpool December 2011
Back for a week or so in Spain. We had beautiful weather for December ,even for Castalla! Frank was working away on the balcony and terrace while we were there,it was good to have it done but not so relaxing to have him coming in every morning.The work is beautiful though.
One day ,Matthew's birthday in fact I had a day of grief for mum and dad. All the memories of his birth and the joy in Bank Street flooded back, It was quite painful. I felf physical pain and nauseous. I am glad I understand the grieving process or I would be quite worried about myself.
It was interesting that on the last night of the Artist's Way I felf very upset. I came back from Dad's funeral and knew I had to get my head down and get this six week course as well as the three Saturday workshops done.When I came to the end of the work ,the pain came back in force.
Same with last day in Castlenel.Coming back to real life with no dad.Sore.
I still have the urge to contact him every day.Today I was listening to D.I.Discs.
Puccini's "Oh My beloved Father" came on and I was totally unprepared for the flood of tears heartache.
Christmas and New year will be tough but it has to be gone through ,and with luck and the blessings of the gods,I may have some joy too.
I have decided to pay for the velux window in the Jardin and it will be dedicated to Dad.The Matt Collins Window.Dad would like this I am sure.
Went to the Swedish Lucia at the Liverpool Cathedral last night ,I always feel close to dad there,a place I can just sit and be with myself and my thoughts of him.
It was a beautiful experience to be part of an old rural tradition of Sweden. A beautiful young girl from the Nordic Gustaf Adolf Church in Liverpool was picked to represent Lucia, she wore long white robe with a red silk belt,and a crown of real lit candles and about twenty other girls were her maidens ,wearing the same costume but they carried their candles.They all sang Santa Lucia at the beginning and the end of the service.They sang about ten short swedish verses during the service too.
One day ,Matthew's birthday in fact I had a day of grief for mum and dad. All the memories of his birth and the joy in Bank Street flooded back, It was quite painful. I felf physical pain and nauseous. I am glad I understand the grieving process or I would be quite worried about myself.
It was interesting that on the last night of the Artist's Way I felf very upset. I came back from Dad's funeral and knew I had to get my head down and get this six week course as well as the three Saturday workshops done.When I came to the end of the work ,the pain came back in force.
Same with last day in Castlenel.Coming back to real life with no dad.Sore.
I still have the urge to contact him every day.Today I was listening to D.I.Discs.
Puccini's "Oh My beloved Father" came on and I was totally unprepared for the flood of tears heartache.
Christmas and New year will be tough but it has to be gone through ,and with luck and the blessings of the gods,I may have some joy too.
I have decided to pay for the velux window in the Jardin and it will be dedicated to Dad.The Matt Collins Window.Dad would like this I am sure.
Went to the Swedish Lucia at the Liverpool Cathedral last night ,I always feel close to dad there,a place I can just sit and be with myself and my thoughts of him.
It was a beautiful experience to be part of an old rural tradition of Sweden. A beautiful young girl from the Nordic Gustaf Adolf Church in Liverpool was picked to represent Lucia, she wore long white robe with a red silk belt,and a crown of real lit candles and about twenty other girls were her maidens ,wearing the same costume but they carried their candles.They all sang Santa Lucia at the beginning and the end of the service.They sang about ten short swedish verses during the service too.
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